Katie Ellwood

Gray Hair

2012-01-09T14:52:00.000-06:00

I just was looking at my gray hair in the bathroom mirror. GRAY HAIR. I wanted to shake my fists and say “WHY?!? I'm too young for this!" Am I right?

But then I got to thinking and reflecting on the reasons why my hair suddenly can't handle holding onto my normal brown color. That's when it hit me: six months ago I rode my bicycle on the streets of Manhattan, four months ago I traveled out of the country and swam with stingrays, two months ago I started a new job, and one month ago I moved in to a new place (after spending four months of living out of a suitcase and sleeping on friends' couches)…oh yeah, that would be why I have gray hair.

So if the cost of living life the way I do is gray hair... it is totally worth it.

Psalm 72:1-2, 4, 12-14

2011-01-10T15:20:00.001-06:00

¹ Give your love of justice to the king, O God,
      and righteousness to the king’s son.
² Help him judge your people in the right way;
      let the poor always be treated fairly.
⁴ Help him to defend the poor,
      to rescue the children of the needy,
      and to crush their oppressors.
¹² He will rescue the poor when they cry to him;
      he will help the oppressed, who have no one to defend them.
¹³ He feels pity for the weak and the needy,
      and he will rescue them.
¹⁴ He will redeem them from oppression and violence,
      for their lives are precious to him.

Tomorrow (January 11) is Global Human Trafficking Awareness Day. A few years ago, I didn't realize that going on all around me--in America and around the world--there are millions of men, women, and children in slavery. Now, several books and movies and articles and conferences later, I'm all too aware of this injustice. Do you know about it?

I'm probably going to flood my twitter and facebook with updates tomorrow because I'm very passionate about raising awareness on this issue. I also want to be involved in the fight to end slavery as much as possible; however, along the way I'm going to be very outspoken about it so that others will learn about this tragedy and be moved into action like I was.

In all honesty, I'm not surprised how many people don't know that men in their state are forced into slave labor, women in every country are seduced into the sex industry, and children of all ages and genders are daily abused by pimps, family members, and brothel owners. It's easy to not open up your eyes or ears to this information because of the heartache that ultimately follows. But, somewhat unfortunately, I don't know the verse in the bible that says life should be sheltered and wrong should be ignored. I only know the verses like those I included above that say God loves justice and wants us to defend and rescue the poor and needy. The bible says God restores and redeems, and I know He wants me to help with this fight.

I don't know that I will see an end to slavery and human trafficking in my lifetime, although that is my prayer. But I don't want the vastness of the issue to defeat me. I'm supremely confident that my God is bigger and stronger than the evil that feeds injustices, and His side is the side that will win in the end.

For more information from other organizations, check out the page above. Or follow my "Anti Human Trafficking" list on Twitter.

Obedience

2011-01-09T22:44:00.000-06:00

I'm thoroughly enjoying the two-week daily Bible reading plan that I started using You Version on my phone. Should you wish to view this plan, or others offered by You Version, check out: http://www.youversion.com/reading-plans/obedience

I don't think obedience is something I consider much these days when I'm making decisions. This week I really tried to think about what actions of mine were going to be obedient or disobedient to what God wants me to do with the time and resources and personaility that He's given me. It was kinda like asking myself "What Would Jesus Do" and taking a moment to think before making decisions. It was a revealing week and certainly one of growth.

If you're also realizing that you lack the concept of obedience to God on a daily basis, I encourage you to read the verses in the reading plan mentioned above. It's hard to deny the importance of obedience when you remember that scripture is full of instructions like this:

1 John 2:3-6:
And we can be sure that we know him if we obey his commandments. If someone claims, “I know God,” but doesn’t obey God’s commandments, that person is a liar and is not living in the truth. But those who obey God’s word truly show how completely they love him. That is how we know we are living in him. Those who say they live in God should live their lives as Jesus did.

Five Question Friday (FQF): Saving

2011-01-07T13:30:00.000-06:00

1. When dining out, do you usually save room for dessert?

No, but an exception would be if I'm with a group and we decide to split a dessert. Typically, I only allow myself to buy a meal and maybe a drink when I go out...and since when did some restaurant portions get so LARGE? How can I have room for dessert if I eat my meal?!

2. How do you feel about saving places in line or saving seats in theaters?

Unless someone is already there but had to leave to go pee, I hate saving places in line. First, it makes me feel like I have invisible friends and everyone thinks I'm crazy (think about it, I'm motioning my hands around an empty area and telling people "Sorry, but my friends are actually here."). Second, it's annoying to me when other people save places so why should I do it?

3. What’s one thing you did to save money this past year?

I sewed all my own clothes and started a garden. Okay, maybe not. But I did work a part-time job for four months to cover events, trips, and purchases that I knew were coming up.

4. Besides money, what’s something you’re saving for later?

There's a smoked turkey in my freezer that I'm waiting to eat. Seriously, a whole turkey. It's actually taking up a lot of room in there...so "later" might need to be soon.

5. In what way did you recently save the best for last?

At Christmas, I made a video for my family that I presented the day AFTER Christmas. I think it was the best, and it was certainly last.

Happy Friday everyone!

Job 42:1-6, The Message

2011-01-06T12:46:00.000-06:00

Job answered God: "I'm convinced: You can do anything and everything.
   Nothing and no one can upset your plans.
You asked, 'Who is this muddying the water,
   ignorantly confusing the issue, second-guessing my purposes?'
I admit it. I was the one. I babbled on about things far beyond me,
   made small talk about wonders way over my head.
You told me, 'Listen, and let me do the talking.
   Let me ask the questions. You give the answers.'
I admit I once lived by rumors of you;
   now I have it all firsthand—from my own eyes and ears!
I'm sorry—forgive me. I'll never do that again, I promise!
   I'll never again live on crusts of hearsay, crumbs of rumor."

I want to thank my friend Diana for showing me this passage last night. Something about the phrase "I'll never again live on crusts of hearsay, crumbs of rumor" hit me so hard that I felt as though my New Year didn't actually start until I heard those words. It's as if that verse was the closing sentence of one chapter and the beginning of another -- like the scene in Gone With the Wind before the intermission when Scarlett O'Hara chooses to fight..."As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."

So look out folks, cause I'm choosing to fight. I don't want to babble about God anymore or simply make small talk. I don't want to confuse anyone or second-guess what God is doing. I'm going to practice obedience and pursue God so that the words I speak about Him come from my heart and not rehearsed answers or speculation.

That's what I'm going to do with 2011, and it's the only plan I need. It'll be an adventure!

ants

2010-09-15T17:18:00.000-05:00

There was a trail of ants in my house this week. They were headed from the kitchen door to my bottle of maple syrup. Don't worry, I quickly took care of the problem and the ants were gone just as quickly as they had appeared. But I thought about it today and realized how curious it is that these determined little ants didn't stop and cry for a day or two at the wall of white poison that I had placed in their path. The powder was obviously piled in their way and they couldn't get to where they wanted to go, and yet those little ants just disappeared. I suppose they've moved on to bigger and better things besides my little bottle of syrup.

Why can't I change my course so easily? When a proverbial door in my life is closed, I like to sit and moan about it for a little bit...or a lot. I like complain about the someone who would do such a thing to thwart my plans and throw me off course. Sometimes I use it as an excuse to stop moving and take a break. Sometimes I use it as an excuse to stop pursuing God the way I should. Hmmm...perhaps I should be more like the ants and not become idle but rather keep moving, trusting that the poison was a sign that something better is waiting for me next.

Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he's the one who will keep you on track.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (The Message)

I Blame Belle

2010-09-03T16:29:00.001-05:00

I was on a quick trip to Boise this week (I was only gone 30 hours!) and loved being out of Texas for even that short amount of time. And when I got home last night, it wasn't with relief or comfort: I was sad. I can only describe it as being homesick. Homesick for what, I don't know. What do you do when your "home" doesn't feel like home anymore? I'm certainly not the only one to ever feel this way and yet I'm amazed at how quickly this has become a feeling that I'm living with. It's as though there was suddenly an invisible shift and now I don't feel like Dallas is where I should be at all. I'm homesick, but where is home?

I'd really like to blame someone for this. After all, I didn't ask for this frustration and find it terribly inconvenient (not to mention that I worry about upsetting my family and friends here when all I talk about is leaving). So, after much thought, I've decided that I blame Belle. You know Belle, she's also known as "Beauty" from Disney's Beauty and the Beast. It's her fault, I'm certain of it.

Belle dreamt of being understood and craved adventure away from what had become a "provincial life." As a child, I loved Belle's story because of her spunk and the wonderful events that occurred in her life after she stumbled upon the run-down palace and met the tormented Beast. But as an adult (yes, I still watch the movie!), I see Belle as someone who wanted something more than what her community expected. And I've never related to her as much as I do now.

"I want adventure in the great wide somewhere, I want it more than I can tell. And for once it might be grand to have someone understand I want so much more than they've got planned."

I realized that Belle was at fault for my feelings of displacement in Dallas after my good friend, Kalie Lowrie (please visit her lovely "kindred spirit" blog here), took me to see the Broadway show of Beauty and the Beast when it was in Dallas this July. In the show, Belle is trapped in the cursed castle and sang a beautiful song that didn't just strike a chord with me, it practically broke the chord as my heart echoed each word:

Is this home? Is this where I should learn to be happy?
Never dreamed that a home could be dark and cold
I was told ev'ry day in my childhood:
Even when you grow old, home should be where the heart is
Never where words so true!
My heart's far, far away...home is too

Is this home, Is this what I must learn to believe in?
Try to find something good in this tragic place
Just in case I should stay here forever
Held in this empty place
Oh, that won't be easy, I know the reason why
My heart's far, far away...home's alike

What I'd give to return
To the life that I knew lately
But I know now I can't
All my problems going by

Is this home? Am I here for a day or forever?
Shut away from the world until who knows when
Oh, but then as my life has been altered once, it can change again
Build higher walls around me, change ev'ry lock and key
Nothing lasts, nothing holds...all of me

My heart's far, far away...Home and free

While I continue sorting out where "home" is for me on this earth, in this life, I don't want to forget that the only real reason I feel displaced is because my true home is with God in heaven. I wasn't meant for this world and won't ever really find myself in this world. So, until that blessed day comes, when I no longer will comprehend what it means to be discontent or misunderstood, I'm not going to hold on to anything. My hands are open wide and lifted up with all I have in this world on them: God is in total control of my destiny. I pray that my hands never close to fists and that my heart will only find contentment in seek God's path for me...until I'm finally home.

“Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me. There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am. And you know the way to where I am going.” - John 14:1-4

Quotes on a Tuesday

2010-08-24T15:30:00.003-05:00

“If I don't write to empty my mind, I go mad.”

- Lord Byron

"We should write because it is human nature to write. Writing claims our world. It makes it directly and specifically our own. We should write because humans are spiritual beings and writing is a powerful form of prayer and meditation, connecting us both to our own insights and to a higher and deeper level of inner guidance. We should write because writing brings clarity and passion to the act of living. Writing is sensual, experiential, grounding. We should write because writing is good for the soul. We should write because writing yields us a body of work, a felt path through the world we live in. We should write, above all, because we are writers, whether we call ourselves that or not."

- Julia Cameron

"Writing isn't about making money, getting famous, getting dates, getting laid, or making friends. In the end, it's about enriching the lives of those who will read your work, and enriching your own life, as well. It's about getting up, getting well, and getting over. Getting happy, okay? Getting happy."

- Stephen King

"Clutter and mess show us that life is being lived...Tidiness makes me think of held breath, of suspended animation... Perfectionism is a mean, frozen form of idealism, while messes are the artist's true friend. What people somehow forgot to mention when we were children was that we need to make messes in order to find out who we are and why we are here."
- Anne Lamott

"Write what disturbs you, what you fear, what you have not been willing to speak about. Be willing to be split open."
- Natalie Goldberg

A Stolen Apology

2010-08-23T00:25:00.000-05:00

At the beginning of Pilgram's Pride, author John Bunyan has a beautifully written "Author's Apology" that I wish to steal and share with you today. I'd love it if you found the two lines that stand out to you the most and submit a comment with them so I can know what you enjoyed or related to the most.

WHEN at the first I took my pen in hand
Thus for to write, I did not understand

That I at all should make a little book
In such a mode: nay, I had undertook

To make another; which, when almost done,
Before I was aware I this begun.

And thus it was: I, writing of the way
And race of saints in this our gospel-day,

Fell suddenly into an allegory
About their journey, and the way to glory,

In more than twenty things which I set down
This done, I twenty more had in my crown,

And they again began to multiply,
Like sparks that from the coals of fire do fly.

Nay, then, thought I, if that you breed so fast,
I'll put you by yourselves, lest you at last

Should prove ad infinitum, I and eat out
The book that I already am about.

Well, so I did; but yet I did not think
To show to all the world my pen and ink

In such a mode; I only thought to make
I knew not what: nor did I undertake

Thereby to please my neighbor; no, not I;
I did it my own self to gratify.

Neither did I but vacant seasons spend
In this my scribble; nor did I intend

But to divert myself, in doing this,
From worser thoughts, which make me do amiss.

Thus I set pen to paper with delight,
And quickly had my thoughts in black and white;

For having now my method by the end,
Still as I pull'd, it came; and so I penned

It down; until it came at last to be,
For length and breadth, the bigness which you see.

Well, when I had thus put mine ends together
I show'd them others, that I might see whether

They would condemn them, or them justify:
And some said, let them live; some, let them die:

Some said, John, print it; others said, Not so:
Some said, It might do good; others said, No.

Now was I in a strait, and did not see
Which was the best thing to be done by me:

At last I thought, Since ye are thus divided,
I print it will; and so the case decided.

For, thought I, some I see would have it done,
Though others in that channel do not run:

To prove, then, who advised for the best,
Thus I thought fit to put it to the test.

I further thought, if now I did deny
Those that would have it, thus to gratify;

I did not know, but hinder them I might
Of that which would to them be great delight.

For those which were not for its coming forth,
I said to them, Offend you, I am loath;

Yet since your brethren pleased with it be,
Forbear to judge, till you do further see.

If that thou wilt not read, let it alone;
Some love the meat, some love to pick the bone.

Yea, that I might them better palliate,
I did too with them thus expostulate:

May I not write in such a style as this?
In such a method too, and yet not miss

My end-thy good? Why may it not be done?
Dark clouds bring waters, when the bright bring none.

Yea, dark or bright, if they their silver drops
Cause to descend, the earth, by yielding crops,

Gives praise to both, and carpeth not at either,
But treasures up the fruit they yield together;

Yea, so commixes both, that in their fruit
None can distinguish this from that; they suit

Her well when hungry; but if she be full,
She spews out both, and makes their blessing null.

You see the ways the fisherman doth take
To catch the fish; what engines doth he make!

Behold how he engageth all his wits;
Also his snares, lines, angles, hooks, and nets:

Yet fish there be, that neither hook nor line,
Nor snare, nor net, nor engine can make thine:

They must be groped for, and be tickled too,
Or they will not be catch'd, whate'er you do.

How does the fowler seek to catch his game
By divers means! all which one cannot name.

His guns, his nets, his lime-twigs, light and bell:
He creeps, he goes, he stands; yea, who can tell

Of all his postures? yet there's none of these
Will make him master of what fowls he please.

Yea, he must pipe and whistle, to catch this;
Yet if he does so, that bird he will miss.

If that a pearl may in toad's head dwell,
And may be found too in an oyster-shell;

If things that promise nothing, do contain
What better is than gold; who will disdain,

That have an inkling to of it, there to look,
That they may find it. Now my little book,

(Though void of all these paintings that may make
It with this or the other man to take,)

Is not without those things that do excel
What do in brave but empty notions dwell.

"Well, yet I am not fully satisfied
That this your book will stand, when soundly tried."

Why, what's the matter? "It is dark." What though?
"But it is feigned." What of that? I trow

Some men by feigned words, as dark as mine,
Make truth to spangle, and its rays to shine.

"But they want solidness." Speak, man, thy mind.
"They drown the weak; metaphors make us blind."

Solidity, indeed, becomes the pen
Of him that writeth things divine to men:

But must I needs want solidness, because
By metaphors I speak? Were not God's laws,

His gospel laws, in olden time held forth
By types, shadows, and metaphors? Yet loth

Will any sober man be to find fault
With them, lest he be found for to assault

The highest wisdom! No, he rather stoops,
And seeks to find out what, by pins and loops,

By calves and sheep, by heifers, and by rams,
By birds and herbs, and by the blood of lambs,

God speaketh to him; and happy is he
That finds the light and grace that in them be.

But not too forward, therefore, to conclude
That I want solidness-that I am rude;

All things solid in show, not solid be;
All things in parable despise not we,

Lest things most hurtful lightly we receive,
And things that good are, of our souls bereave.

My dark and cloudy words they do but hold
The truth, as cabinets inclose the gold.

The prophets used much by metaphors
To set forth truth: yea, who so considers

Christ, his apostles too, shall plainly see,
That truths to this day in such mantles be.

Am I afraid to say, that holy writ,
Which for its style and phrase puts down all wit,

Is everywhere so full of all these things,
Dark figures, allegories? Yet there springs

From that same book, that lustre, and those rays
Of light, that turn our darkest nights to days.

Come, let my carper to his life now look,
And find there darker lines than in my book

He findeth any; yea, and let him know,
That in his best things there are worse lines too.

May we but stand before impartial men,
To his poor one I durst adventure ten,

That they will take my meaning in these lines
Far better than his lies in silver shrines.

Come, truth, although in swaddling-clothes, I find
Informs the judgment, rectifies the mind;

Pleases the understanding, makes the will
Submit, the memory too it doth fill

With what doth our imagination please;
Likewise it tends our troubles to appease.

Sound words, I know, Timothy is to use,
And old wives' fables he is to refuse;

But yet grave Paul him nowhere doth forbid
The use of parables, in which lay hid

That gold, those pearls, and precious stones that were
Worth digging for, and that with greatest care.

Let me add one word more. O man of God,
Art thou offended? Dost thou wish I had

Put forth my matter in another dress?
Or that I had in things been more express?

Three things let me propound; then I submit
To those that are my betters, as is fit.

1. I find not that I am denied the use
Of this my method, so I no abuse

Put on the words, things, readers, or be rude
In handling figure or similitude,

In application; but all that I may
Seek the advance of truth this or that way.

Denied, did I say? Nay, I have leave,
(Example too, and that from them that have

God better pleased, by their words or ways,
Than any man that breatheth now-a-days,)

Thus to express my mind, thus to declare
Things unto thee that excellentest are.

2. I find that men as high as trees will write
Dialogue-wise; yet no man doth them slight

For writing so. Indeed, if they abuse
Truth, cursed be they, and the craft they use

To that intent; but yet let truth be free
To make her sallies upon thee and me,

Which way it pleases God: for who knows how,
Better than he that taught us first to plough,

To guide our minds and pens for his designs?
And he makes base things usher in divine.

3. I find that holy writ, in many places,
Hath semblance with this method, where the cases

Do call for one thing to set forth another:
Use it I may then, and yet nothing smother

Truth's golden beams: nay, by this method may
Make it cast forth its rays as light as day.

And now, before I do put up my pen,
I'll show the profit of my book; and then

Commit both thee and it unto that hand
That pulls the strong down, and makes weak ones stand.

This book it chalketh out before thine eyes
The man that seeks the everlasting prize:

It shows you whence he comes, whither he goes,
What he leaves undone; also what he does:

It also shows you how he runs, and runs,
Till he unto the gate of glory comes.

It shows, too, who set out for life amain,
As if the lasting crown they would obtain;

Here also you may see the reason why
They lose their labor, and like fools do die.

This book will make a traveler of thee,
If by its counsel thou wilt ruled be;

It will direct thee to the Holy Land,
If thou wilt its directions understand

Yea, it will make the slothful active be;
The blind also delightful things to see.

Art thou for something rare and profitable?
Or would'st thou see a truth within a fable?

Art thou forgetful? Wouldest thou remember
From New-Year's day to the last of December?

Then read my fancies; they will stick like burs,
And may be, to the helpless, comforters.

This book is writ in such a dialect
As may the minds of listless men affect:

It seems a novelty, and yet contains
Nothing but sound and honest gospel strains.

Would'st thou divert thyself from melancholy?
Would'st thou be pleasant, yet be far from folly?

Would'st thou read riddles, and their explanation?
Or else be drowned in thy contemplation?

Dost thou love picking meat? Or would'st thou see
A man i' the clouds, and hear him speak to thee?

Would'st thou be in a dream, and yet not sleep?
Or would'st thou in a moment laugh and weep?

Would'st thou lose thyself and catch no harm,
And find thyself again without a charm?

Would'st read thyself, and read thou know'st not what,
And yet know whether thou art blest or not,

By reading the same lines? O then come hither,
And lay my book, thy head, and heart together.

Getting to Point B

2010-08-20T11:31:00.001-05:00

The three year mark of when I moved back to Dallas after a year of volunteering in Northern Ireland was last Sunday, August 15. With that anniversary came a lot of reflection, a little regret, and other tumultuous emotions that I can’t even find a name for—and they literally took my breath away. Since God wired my mind for creativity, not sentiment, I wasn’t sure what to do with the vulnerability of those thoughts. I wanted to push them away because I often prefer the “artificial bliss” that comes from ignoring the need for an introspective look at oneself. Unfortunately, that option doesn’t exist for me since I’ve chosen a life theme of authenticity.

I take comfort in the fact that reading and writing help me sort out my thoughts, especially when they seem too much to handle. As such, I read several books last week (namely A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Don Miller), and came to realize that some of my frustration stems from the fact that, in my life, I’m a character eager to create a blockbuster story, but no clue as to how I can get from where I am (Point A) to where I want to be (Point B).

I didn’t use to feel this way. I used to know with certainty that I was doing what I loved in a place that felt like home, and it was all leading to where I ultimately wanted to go. I experienced the magic of being challenged, fulfilled, and content at the same time. But that’s all changed and in last three years, I have found myself in a place called “the in-between.” And it’s time for me to transition out of it!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m blessed with a good church, a good job (even if it is in a cubicle), and countless “memorable scenes” that I will never regret (skydiving, doing a 5K race, backpacking across mountains, doing mission work in India, spending New Years Eve in London, riding a scooter around Spain, taking road trips, entering homemade jam into the State Fair, etc). But I know there’s more to my future than this.

So, without wasting any more time on things that aren’t taking me closer to Point B, it’s time—right now—for me to take action on reaching my dreams. I might not know the exact conclusion to my story, but of these things I am certain:

I want to move away from Dallas soon

…and to a place where I can spend more time outdoors

I want to create beauty through words and art

…while inspiring others to do the same

I want to pursue more opportunities to speak in public

…and start a fulltime spiritual coaching ministry

I realize that I can’t just snap my finger and have what I want tomorrow [insert sad face here]. So the first obstacle in obtaining my dreams will be getting in a good financial position to move on and start something new when the opportunity presents itself. With that in mind, just this week I started a part-time job at a bookstore. It might not sound like much, but those 20 hours a week, combined with the 40 hours a week at my fulltime job, gives me extra money to tuck away (and less free time to spend it). It’s terrifying, and a complete sacrifice of my social life, but I’m already feeling more fulfilled in my pursuit of a better story.

The next step in my journey is an upcoming trip to Portland for Don Miller’s “Living a Better Story” conference on September 26 and 27 (www.donmilleris.com/conference). I’m excited to hear more about discovering what you want, planning your life out like a story, and overcoming the inevitable struggles along the way. I hope that I won’t feel intimidated by some of the “big dreamers” who are there, but that I would take the opportunity to learn from their stories and find the motivation I need to keep pursuing my own.

Beyond these first steps, this process is going to consist of a “one day at a time” mentality while I save money, begin to research how to start a ministry, and make plans to move to another city. God willing, my story will bring Him pleasure!

Living a Better Story Seminar from All Things Converge Podcast on Vimeo.

Rears Its Ugly Head

2010-08-09T10:00:00.000-05:00

As the title of this post reminds me, jealousy is not an attractive characteristic. Unfortunately, I've been faced with this ugly side of myself several times in the last 10 days. While I would like to try and excuse my behavior with creative and colorful stories or woes, I must simply face the truth. Jealousy is not pretty and jealousy (in this context) shouldn't be a part of my life.

Dallas is known for being a very materialistic city. I've always noticed this, but this could be the first time that I've felt the panic and fear of not having what I want--which leads to a desperate notion that I would do almost anything to get what I want. Just typing these words are making me cringe in disgust! I'm normally very good at "living simply, so others may simply live," so I'm not sure what caused the change.

Perhaps it was a loss of focus and perspective. When I begin to lose my desire to live simply and get caught up in the monetary and temporary things around me, especially in comparison to everyone I'm surrounded by, I begin to sound angry and bitter that I don't have what I want. Or worse, I begin throwing judgment and negativity on those who have things I would like in order to make myself feel better. My perspective on these things should be different because of my limited monetary resources and, more importantly, my beliefs about living as a Christ-follower.

So this week I feel the need to make sacrifices and pray boldly for the deliverence of envy and reminder that my dreams and desires call me beyond the issues of clothing, furniture, decorations, jewelry, vacations, iPhones, and pets. I want my life to be filled with conversations on the things of God and activities that aren't self-serving.

If anyone else is feeling the same wave of envy or discontentment that comes from focusing too much on materialism, or even if you're just beginning to observe that most of the "drama" and conversations in your life are centered on *stuff*--I hope that the Lord reminds you, like He did for me, that it's all meaningless.

"Then I observed that most people are motivated to success because they envy their neighbors. But this, too, is meaningless—like chasing the wind." - Ecclesiastes 4:4

Life has more to offer than more closet space to hold our junk--so I don't know about you, but I'm going to go out there and work towards a life free from materialism, envy, and judgment. I'd rather be know for having a spirit of love, abandon, and generosity.

Nickels and Dimes

2010-08-05T08:32:00.000-05:00

This is really embarrassing for me to admit, but I have the bad habit of watching my checking account go down to a very, very low balance at the end of every pay period. (I'd like people to think that I'm smart with my money, but the truth is, I'm not.) Well, this week I had several humbling realizations--which is never fun for someone as prideful as me. And, of course, I feel compelled to share them on here to really drive home what I'm learning about the process toward humbleness...or whatever. I hope you won't judge me by what I'm going to share.

Maybe it's because I'm a thrill-seeker that I relish the task of making sure that "x" amount of dollars lasts until payday, but that excitement back-fired this week when I forgot to factor in several trips I needed to take outside of Dallas. The tank of gas in my car seemed to empty faster than normal and soon I found myself two days away from payday with the gas light on in my car and only a couple bucks in my bank account. I won't go into great detail, but let's just say I felt about *this big* (imagine two of my fingers barely touching) when I walked in to the gas station to pay for a couple gallons of gas with only two $1 bills and $3.25 of nickels and dimes that I had scrounged up at home. However, I am happy to admit that those couple gallons of gas lasted until this morning (payday) when my gas light came on yet again. I'm so thankful that God provided all that change so I could get around--and so I could see what else in my life needed to change.

You see, it would be have really easy for me to just go put a tank of gas on my credit card and not suffer the embarrassment of paying with coins. But I can't let myself use a credit card to ignore the reality of my bad habits. As I wrestled with the temptation to use plastic and "save face," I realized how often I've done that in the last two years. I have a lot of friends who are in different positions than I am when it comes to finances. I don't want to make excuses for myself, sound judgmental, or play the part of a martyr, but I reached a point this week where I realized that I can't keep up. I can't go out to eat with them as much, I can't go to all the events, shop for the same things...my reality is different than theirs and I need to make tough sacrifices in order to be financially responsible. I even applied for a part-time job so that I have more cash and less time to spend it.

Although I don't regret anything I've spent money on this year (I have too many good memories to be remorseful), it's okay if I try and be a little more frugal, or "thrifty" as I would prefer to say. The Lord is teaching me that living authentically even applies to my bank accounts and I pray that my "nickel and dime" motivation of the week lasts. I've already chopped up my credit card and planned out my cash allowance for the next two weeks. I am inspired to make the humbling sacrifices necessary to boost my bank accounts. To God be the glory.

The Good Christian Girl.

2010-08-04T08:19:00.016-05:00

Thanks to one of the many people I follow on Twitter, I found the following article from Christianity Today. "The Good Christian Girl: What heeding a decade and a half of dating advice can mean." http://bit.ly/a50JWA

I was shocked with how much of this article mirrored conversations and attitudes I've encountered in my life, and in myself. So please take a moment to read it and think about it.

Be careful what you say and how you treat the single Christian women you know because, as the article clearly describes, often we feel like we just can't win. I've seen many of my friends in Dallas take the same path as the Good Christian Girl in this fable and I think it's avoidable with a little more love from their christian community.

We all have a responsibility to love and extend grace. So let's not forget the importance of extending grace to our christian family in addition to those who don't believe in God. It's Christlike to give each other the freedom to be different, the freedom to be honest and vulnerable, and it's a powerful witness to those wondering if they'll "fit in" the Christian family.

Just One Day

2010-07-20T10:48:00.001-05:00

Just one day
That's all I want.
Just twenty-four hours
without wondering what comes next
or what on earth I'm doing.
Because I'm here, it's my home.
Like it or loathe it.
To dream every single day is exhausting.
Just one day, is it so much to ask?

I see others without such woe
No pursuit of destiny.
Blind to the colors yet to be discovered.
and oh how I long for that freedom!
Because along with yearning comes doubt.
What if? What if? What if?
Make. It. Stop.

But yet I am a dreamer
and I pray I continue to be.
No illusions that "this is it."
I know my heart is calling me beyond that.

Helpless as it makes me,
no life could be better
than one that seeks significance
and definition in Him who created my dreams.

Breaking Habits

2010-07-15T22:25:00.001-05:00

I've been doing a Biggest Loser competition at work since January. Although the competition only lasts for 12 weeks, we "piggy-back" one competition onto the next so that the last week of one is also the first week of the next. July began my third consecutive season. What was I thinking?!

I've known for quite some time that I needed to lose weight. But it's remarkable how long you can simply acknowledge that fact about yourself and DO NOTHING ABOUT IT. Well, thanks to good ol' holiday photographs, I was faced with the reality of my situation in a highly motivating way. Thus, when the competition started in January, I joined with enthusiasm.

Now, rather than resorting to the extremes of a crash diet, or flush of my system, or unrealistic workout regime--I determined to simply try and change my habits. I gave up desserts and sweets (boo!) as well as alcohol (double boo!) and did my best to "be more active." The first three months (January - March), I did great and lost about 10lbs. I even placed 3rd in the competition! The second three months (April - June) were a little more up and down and in the end I only lost 3lbs. I'm feeling motivated again (why can't it be a permanent state?) and hoping that July through September show more progress. Here is my weight log thus far--I'm glad that I'm below the "trend":

All this was to say that I'm learning a lot through the Biggest Loser about breaking habits. I've heard people say that it takes at least 30 days of doing something for it to become a habit. I wonder what the measure is for breaking a habit? My experience throughout the Biggest Loser is that it takes much longer to BREAK a habit than it does to form a new one. Wouldn't you agree?

Since a lot of "bad" habits are things that bring us pleasure (like eating chocolate, for me), when we try to get rid of them we know exactly what we are missing. No wonder it's a struggle to change. And if my bad habit is not exercising, boy I am going to feel the agony of getting muscles into shape after being inactive! If my bad habit is staying up late (ahem, like tonight), then I'm going to feel like I'm missing out if I go to bed early.

A friend once told me - the easiest way to lose weight is to never gain it. SO TRUE. And true with physical activity too; the easiest way to stay in shape is to remain active. I wonder why we focus so much on changing bad habits instead of preventing bad habits from ever forming? Obviously, we're prone to "bad" habits and have to change, but I believe more steps can and should be taken to proactively counteract bad habits from forming by concentrating on good habits.

I believe there is a spiritual parallel here too - do you see it? What does it look like in your life right now? I'd love to hear your thoughts on this, and on good/bad habits--even weight loss!

Thanks for reading.

Fellowship Metro

2010-07-12T12:08:00.000-05:00

When I moved from Belfast, Northern Ireland back to Dallas, Texas, I went through a rough transition. While my friends, family, and new coworkers were great, one of the things that helped me the most was a Sunday night church service called Fellowship Metro (part of Fellowship Bible Church Dallas).

I happened upon Metro on my second Sunday of visiting churches after moving from my parents house in Plano to my own apartment in Dallas--and I never left! My first time to Metro was only the second week that this community had met so it was comforting that I was just as new as everyone else. In addition, Metro operates under the tagline "a community on mission," and since I was just coming from the literal mission field this mission statement resonated with me.

For over two and a half years I have been a part of the community at Fellowship Metro. From helping with refugee outreach events, to planning a womens retreat, to being a part of small groups, to helping with announcements, to running the twitter account, to leading a womens small group for 18 months, to seeing people get married or have babies or move away, to helping women get counseled, to creating prayer/worship services, to providing childcare for a married small group every week---the list goes on and on. I loved it all! Ultimately, my friends at Metro became my family and allowed me to be myself and helped me process my daily struggle of being authentic and finding out how I'm supposed to live on mission in Dallas while working from a cubicle.

Last night was the last Fellowship Metro. The church saw that the need for this "next generation" Sunday night service wasn't there anymore; Metro had served its purpose in that way. Two of the Metro Pastors are being lead to start a new campus plant of Fellowship Dallas and a new mid-week young adult ministry. I'm so excited about how God is leading these opportunities out of the mission of Fellowship Metro.

On that same note, this transition out of Metro comes at the same time that I feel (again) as though I am in a personal transition. My leadership break from Metro the last six months showed me that God was the ONLY thing that made any of the good things possible in the last two and a half years. It was a good lesson for me to learn. Now that my heart feels more humbled, I'm eager to see what ministry God would have me get involved with again.

I was offered an opportunity with a ministry, but my heart is feeling led a different direction. It's exciting to think about doing something new and on my own. So I'm going to continue praying about this new idea/passion that is building within me--I don't want to do it without knowing God is behind it. But I'm excited about the future and thankful that everything I've learned from the Metro community has undoubtedly prepared me for whatever comes next.

Social Networking Dilemma

2010-07-09T15:46:00.000-05:00

I like certain aspects of Twitter and Facebook, but not all of them. For instance, if I find myself caring too much, I get emotionally exhausted by worrying that something I post will be too dull, too religious, too boastful, too cheesy, too pathetic, or even offensive. Almost every day I find myself wishing that I could have separate accounts for my job, my spiritual thoughts, my peers, and younger/older generations. I think that would make life easier. Is anyone else with me on this?

Yet, once again, my quest for authenticity demands that I not separate my life into categories. I can’t simply one facet of myself without also being all the rest at the same time. That’d be like ___(insert obvious and profound parallel here)___.

So in this great social networking battle that I find myself in, I’ve decided that I just need to be 100% me, 100% of the time. (Regardless of whether or not I’ll get a judgmental comment or lose a few followers.)

Besides, if honesty is always the best policy—so why am I fretting over this? Note to self: get a grip!

Civilized and Uncivilized

2010-07-08T16:47:00.000-05:00

When I received an e-mail from a coworker yesterday afternoon, I was pleasantly surprised to find that it was a link to an interesting article regarding South African soccer fans. It provided an entertaining diversion for the slowest part of my day, and it also had several "stand out" statements that provoked my thoughts toward the Christ-follower's life.

In a nutshell, a South African man (Maurice Meyer) and his wife decided to swim both ways across a crocodile-infested river in order to win VIP World Cup tickets from a radio DJ. And get this, the idea was all theirs; the DJ only said someone had to do the "craziest thing." Well, they did it, and they lived to tell about it. The author of this article, Dan Wetzel, writes: "Incredibly, the Meyers did this without a guarantee they’d even win. And they won’t. The radio station considered their feat too dangerous and refused to endorse it." (Read the full article here: The Spirit of South Africa.)

There's a big part of me that is a thrill seeker and that's one of the reasons why I love following Christ--it's thrilling and risky and dangerous and difficult...and FUN! What word, other than thrilling, could you use to describe putting your faith in an "unseen" God, trusting Him alone for your safety, and choosing to live more for Him than you do yourself?!

Thus, can you see why the words of Dan Wetzel in reference to South Africa and its people reminded me so much of my life as a Christ-follower? Just read some of his words and my thoughts about them below:

"It’s a raw, wild place that, at the same time, embraces a fun-loving side. And it’s full of men and women who figure taunting crocodiles is a rush. It’s both civilized and uncivilized at the exact same time – a mix that often works perfectly." -- Living as a Christian has given me countless "uncivilized" moments where I witness the reactions of shock as I tell others Who I live my life for. I am familiar with the rush of adrenaline that comes at those moments too. Moments where you choose to take a leap into the potentially dangerous waters of controversy and raw honesty. There are the moments that defy the "civilized" code of not talking about religion and politics.

"The jokes are the best part of South Africa. Everyone is a comedian here. Life isn’t simple in this country. It’s not really first world and parts are certainly third. Nothing surprises anyone, apparently." -- A more recent lesson that I've learned as a Christ-follower is that I have to have a sense of humor about life and religion. Too many people get offended too easily or are surprised by something that is very normal, very human. So I'm continually realizing that we need comedic relief and we need to laugh at ourselves--I don't think Jesus is serious 100% of the time and we shouldn't be either.

"So in a place where the earth burning doesn’t cause a second glance and the political, social and economic structure is under such intense strain, importance is still placed on enjoying every moment, of challenging yourself and others." -- As a Christ-follower, I know that we're doomed as humans but that Christ brings us hope. Therefore, I want to put importance on the relationships in my life and the actions I can take to improve my area of influence with the time I have here on earth. We all need each other and we all need to challenge each other to be better lovers, dreamers, and representatives of Christ until He calls us home.

Well that's enough from me. It's time to get more interactive. What do you think? Did you read the article and see something else that I missed? I hope you share because I'd really like to know.

Authentic? Honesty? Honestly...

2010-07-07T17:53:00.000-05:00

Its very frustrating for me to ease back into blogging. And I made a list of reasons why.

Reason #1: I've allowed more free time into my life and I like it. Writing takes a long time and sometimes I just want to do a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g e-l-s-e rather than sorting through the clutter in my mind and find a profound thought. That takes a lot of work, and time! Besides, I'm a writer 40 hours a week and it seems crazy to leave work just to go home and stare at a computer screen again.

Reason #2: I follow a lot of bloggers on twitter and am subscribed to many blogs in my google reader account--they're good, really good. And they're funny. And they have a lot of regular blog readers and followers. I want to be a "popular" blog, but I'm not. Then I realize that I'm not blogging to be popular, I'm trying to keep a record of what I'm learning...then I get frustrated at my selfish desire for personal fame... and then I really don't want to write anything.

Reason #3: As I look back at previous blogs, and even old journal entries at home, I realize that I'm in an incredibly weird and unexpected place in life--and my spiritual life is so inconsistent that I'm embarrassed to compose a honest narrative for fear of what someone might think of my heart's condition.

Reason #4 (last one, I promise): My blog-writing-style is weird. I don't organize my thoughts beforehand; I simply start writing and let my thoughts unfold as I go. Prone to bounce around from one idea to the next before you can even sniff, I know how sporadic my posts are. I've gone back through my old posts before and been completely bewildered as to what I was trying to say. So I ask myself, why don't I change my style to be more interactive? More conversational? More logical? That's what the "cool" bloggers are doing. Am I even a good writer?!? (Rhetorical question!!!) Oh well, this is me. Maybe if I could make a living out of writing on a blog or working on a book I would learn how to communicate my thoughts and ideas better while still keeping my personal writing style.

SUMMARY: I feel very vulnerable with this blog, so I sometimes avoid it. Honesty is hard. And, in my mind, it's the same as authenticity. And since I've declared "authentic" as my goal in life (and have my tattoo as a daily reminder...stupid tattoo...), I have to do this...no matter how unpopular, revealing, or unorganized it might be.

Now that I've composed a pathetic list of reasons why blogging again is so hard for me, I'm going to share something that was encouraging to me and helped motivate me to come here (Starbucks) directly after work today to write.

In the last two days, two "cool" bloggers have written on the topic of honesty. Since I was obviously pondering the same thing this week, I feel as though the Lord affirmed my feelings by letting me see that other writers feel the same way as me about writing honestly.

Just read some of their thoughts below--can you see how they would resonate with me? They seem exactly the same as how I'm feeling...and they can obviously articulate that better than I can.

"And honestly, I think it’s been difficult to write because I’m trying to be honest."

"While I desire to be honest about how I see and understand God or what I believe to be true about Jesus, grace, hope, spirituality, sometimes it’s just not worth it. Sometimes, from my perspective, “honesty” makes life/writing more difficult."

"In our churches and neighborhoods and politics, we uphold honesty as an ideal. Authenticity is key. Integrity is preached. As Christians, we're supposed to aspire to these things...But sometimes I wonder what society would look like if all of us were brutally honest all the time. We might have clear consciences and satisfied intellects. But would we have any friends? Would we live in chaos? I don't know. I aspire to personal transparency just like anyone else. But I wonder if we could really handle heavy doses of it."

This is an abrupt ending -- but I can't think of anything else to say. Thanks for reading.

Redheaded Heroes

2010-07-06T19:11:00.001-05:00

Last December I finally did it. I dyed my hair red! It might have seemed impulsive and crazy, but I've always wanted red hair. And I have no regrets about doing it! Look how FUN it is!

Besides, I can now *un*officially join my list of "redheaded heroes":

Anne Shirley from Anne of Green Gables

Pippi Longstocking

Lucy Ricardo from I Love Lucy

Dolly Levi (Barbra Streisand) from Hello Dolly

Ariel from the Little Mermaid

Little Orphan Annie

Deborah Kerr (She can SING and she got men like Yule Brenner and Cary Grant!)

Sydney Bristow from ALIAS (ell, she wasn't always a redhead, but she was always awesome)

AND - just one more I promise - my very first "big purchase" as a kid: Felicity the American girl doll:

Let's face it -- red hair typically goes with someone a little quirky, mighty fiesty, and a lot of fun. I'd say it suits me just right! (And I've always liked a little extra attention...)

Hitting the Wall

2010-07-06T18:38:00.000-05:00

During my visit to New York City two weeks ago, I was finally able to sit and watch the "Run Fatboy Run" DVD with my brother--a gift I'd given to him at Christmas. To me, this was a perfect afternoon since two of my favorite things are watching movies and spending quality time with the people I love.

If you haven't seen it, this film is full of laughs and surprisingly significant truths about love, commitment, and responsibility. The main character, Dennis, attempts to complete something for the first time in his life in order to prove to his ex-fiancé that he isn't a total loser. Not one to think things through, he boasts that he will run and complete a marathon with only a few weeks to prepare. Without giving you a complete summary, and trying to avoid spoilers, I want to share with you what I consider one of the most poignant and thought-provoking scenes in the movie.

It's hours into the race and Dennis is moving at the slowest possible pace. It's dark outside and although he has a group of supporters walking behind him, he's alone. At that moment, his body slams against something and comes to a complete stop. Although no one else can see it, Dennis looks up and down, side to side, and can see nothing but a giant brick wall. As another runner had warned him, he had indeed "hit the wall."

You'll have to watch the movie yourself to see what happens (even though it's killing me not to tell you...it's seriously the best scene!). I found myself replaying this two-minute scene in my head today while I was at work and mulling over why this scene is on my mind.

I'm not a runner, but I've exercised enough and been on enough physically-challenging adventures to know what that "hitting the wall" moment feels like. But in a figurative sense, I currently feel as though I'm having a "hitting the wall" moment in life. I feel like I've been staring at the ground and simply concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other for a couple years. Work. Church. Travel. Saving. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Now, all of a sudden, I've hit an invisible wall that took my breath away. I find myself looking around and trying to see what it is that is stopping me.

Have I really hit a wall? Is this it for me--this boring cycle of going through life? I've been faithful to a routine this whole time...but for what? Why did this wall have to appear at all?! I was making it by simply sticking with my little path.

Now I wonder how to proceed. I could turn around and accept my mediocrity, my failure to bust through this obstacle...I see people do it often enough that I can find myself making this option seem the "normal" and comfortable thing to do. OR, I can back up, get a good start, and bust through that wall! Perhaps that's why the wall appeared in the first place. Perhaps I needed to restart my journey with renewed vision--with my eyes looking ahead instead of down at my feet.

I know I'm not talking specifics, but that's because I'm not even sure what the specifics are. I'm pondering this "wall" moment in my life and praying about what it signifies. I think I have an idea of what it means, but, for now, I'm keeping that to myself. All I know is that I don't consider it an option to turn around and walk away from this wall. With God's help, I'm going to continue moving forward, no matter how unfamiliar or painful it will be.

Favorite Fixes

2010-06-28T22:14:00.000-05:00

Recent self discovery: I love stories where something (or someone) is dirty, broken, or unused and the hero of the story swoops in to clean, fix, and improve said thing.

Although these these movies and stories are not recent additions to my list of "things I love", I have only just realized that they all have the "fix-it" theme in common:

Seven Brides for Seven Brothers
Sandlot
Pollyanna
Calamity Jane
Miss Congeniality
Swiss Family Robinson
Secret Garden
Little Princess
The Boxcar Children
Lemony Snicket: Series of Unfortunate Events
Esther (from the Bible)
Pippi Longstocking
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Are you imagining the scenes in your head now? Those moments of makeovers or projects that result in a complete improvement by the end. Good.

What I'm thinking is this: maybe the theme of transformation is going to be a big part of my role as a character in God's story. Maybe these are some of my favorite movies, books, and stories because I see in them what I want to see in my life's tale--transformation, restoration, rejuvenation. Not only do I constantly want and pray for a total spiritual makeover in my life, I also want to be used by God to assist in the same process for someone or something else. Not that God needs my help to complete the task, but that I can't think of anything better for me to do with my time here on earth. I'll be humbled and grateful if I ever get the opportunity to be a tool in the transformation of something He is crafting for His kingdom--whether it be a ministry, a relationship, or something else I can't even dream up. But if that day never comes, I'll be happy to just be continually molded, made-over, and a "project" of my Dad in heaven.

How do I love thee?

2010-06-23T22:00:00.002-05:00

Love is difficult.

I don't love love. If it were easy (is it for anyone? tell me your secret!), I am positive I would love it. But it's not, and so I don't.

I was thinking of the poem by Elizabeth Barrett Browning titled "How Do I Love Thee?" and chewing over the words. Join me (and don't forget to read it aloud, just above a whisper, and with dramatic pauses...British accent is optional):

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

If only these words were true for flawed and destined-for-failure mortals like myself. I'm comforted by knowing and experiencing God's vast love for me; however, the complexities of love arise for this human when I try to extend that same love towards other people like me: very needy, often annoying, and discontent people.

In fact, if I were to rewrite this sonnet in my honest-to-goodness words of what SOME people think (not necessarily me in particular), it would go something like this:

You think I love thee? I can pretend for days.
I'll try to "love" thee until you're at least out of sight
Because my soul can't reach your expectation's height
For Pete's sake, give me some grace!
If I loved thee, you'd be mine always
Most of us know though, you're prone to flight.
If you let me love freely, I'd know wrong from right;
If you loved me purely, I'd give nothing but praise.
But my passion has become anger that I use:
I wallow in my griefs, and have lost my faith.
Oh how I wish I loved thee with a love that I could lose.
With all the hopeless saints, who love with the breath,
I see no smiles, only tears, why would this they choose?
No, I shall not love thee, not even upon death.

I'm so glad that this isn't the type of love that God has toward us; and I hope that my human attempts at love come out a little better than this dire prose that I composed quite ruthlessly. But as I grow, I learn that I need LOVE more and more. The real kicker is that love is more difficult as I grow up.

My goal is to study God's love and transform my human tendencies of warped love to become pure like His. Join me in this quest, keep me accountable, and help me remain authentic.

Glitter in the Air

2010-06-22T23:09:00.001-05:00

This might be old news to some, and new news to others, but I just heard this song by P!NK for the first time. There is something simple and yet disquieting about the song. Both the feel of the music and the question behind the lyrics have me pondering the "glitter in the air" moments in life. The moments that define you, the moments you live for, and the moments you hope to have. The moments in which you are glad to be who you are.

Am I brave enough to face these moments, to seek them out? I hope that I let myself trust and prove my trustworthiness to others. I hope that I surrender to God and allow Him to orchestrate these moments for His purpose, and not my own. I pray that I learn to love more like God and become a beautiful song of my own for Him to delight in.

I want to know what you think. Here is a link to the video on YouTube from P!NK's performance on the Grammy's (don't worry, she's wearing a nude-colored costume, she's not naked) Glitter in the Air, and the lyrics are also below. Please leave comments with your thoughts.

Have you ever fed a lover
With just your hands
Close your eyes
And trusted, just trusted
Have you ever thrown
A fist full of glitter in the air
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just dont care

Its only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg
The sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning
And the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way...

Have you ever hated yourself
For staring at the phone
Your whole life waiting on the ring
To prove youre not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently
You had to cry
Have you ever invited a stranger
To come inside

Its only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table
The walk before the run
The breath before the kiss
And the fear before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way...

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee, callin me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night
Lassoed the moon and the stars
And pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath
And asked yourself
Will it ever get better
Than tonight, tonight...

Rusty bike

2010-06-21T13:30:00.001-05:00

My blog has been sitting here, unused, for almost six months. It's driving me crazy. The knowledge that I'm "slacking" in an activity that--to me--is equivalent to a spiritual exercise is almost more than I can bear. It's like seeing an exercise bike in your home office collect dust, or knowing that you're paying money for a gym that wouldn't recognize you if you showed up. My spiritual arms are getting flabby from lack of conditioning and I think I've finally reached the point where I'm ready to work them into shape again.

So wish me luck, I'm going to be blogging again!

(And if I don't, you have my permission to harass me about it.)

Learned and learning.

2010-01-19T14:29:00.001-06:00

I miss blogging. (Never again will I move the week before Christmas after being overseas during Thanksgiving only leaving myself three weeks to find a new place to live, pack up all I own, and move.) I'm almost done with my India updates and will finally be able to write about the other things God is doing in my heart. But today I have to interupt my India updates for just a quick blurb.

My new blog layout (which I've heard doesn't work with Internet Explorer, try Mozilla Firefox or Google Chrome or Safarai) was part of my "start over" for the new year. I have pushed the proverbial restart button of my life and made changes and created personal goals that I believe will help my mind feel more organized, my spirit more peaceful, and my heart content.

*To clairify, things weren't circling the drain in 2009, but I did struggle a lot with insecurities and my identity in Christ as a result of my frenzied existence. That must change. I crave the confidence that comes from intentionally seeking the Lord each day and long for the stillness to feel and hear from God. The steps that I am taking toward that, and toward my general wellbeing, are:

1. Go on a "leadership break" from church so I can remember what it's like to simply attend and participate.
2. Try new recipes, exercise, attempt to paint, and enjoy outdoor activities (hiking/canoeing).
3. Read every book on my bookshelves that I haven't read before (I think there are at least 15 that I've never read!).
4. Travel. Because I can, because I love it, and because I have friends I want to visit.
5. Dream big with God and the desires He's given me.
6. Pursue those dreams.

2010. It's going to be a good year.

India trip Day 6

2009-12-30T23:00:00.000-06:00

After sleeping again in our original rooms at the Pee Fifty-One House in New Delhi, we ate a continental breakfast (Indian style) with other guests before leaving to walk to the Truth Seekers Office. I was unclear about the details of the day ahead of us - it was one of the "plans are subject to change" sort of days. Flexibility is ALWAYS important when doing mission work.

The Truth Seekers staff told us that we were going to drive to a village an hour away from Delhi and minister to the people there. I loaded up all the snacks, toys, and trinkets that I had left with the hopes that I would be able to give them away to children in the village. We would be working with an Indian woman named Kanta, she has been a friend of Truth Seekers for a long time and have been involved with social work in villages for 20 years.

Traffic was bad in Delhi (very obvious statement) and at one of the red lights we were stopped at on the way there we were approached by a eunuch. Eunuchs are castrated men (natural or forcibly) who dress in female saris and wear lots of makeup as they roam around on the streets and in marketplaces asking for money. They live in their own communities and are looked down upon even though their blessings or curses are considered to have power.

An hour later we arrived at the village Auchandi. This was a newer village for Kanta's work. She knew several believing women in the village but also knew that there were many women, men, and children who weren't believers. Kanta met us at our vehicles, shook our hands, and spoke english. We followed here to a large house and sat on blankets, cots, and chairs in a large room with a stone floor. Women from the village also joined us and it got crowded. Together we sang both Hindi and English praise songs, drank chai tea, and ate snacks. I was sitting on a cot with four other women and we were unable to really talk with each other, but I tried regardless.

Next thing you know, the older woman whose house we had been in was escorted the American women in our group to go pray for the families in the village. The first house we went to had a really sick old woman. She was in a tiny, dark room in the back of the house. We picked her up from the cot she was on to a sitting position. She couldn't really hold herself up because she was was weak. She looked like she was on the verge of death and we couldn't do anything but pray aloud for her for several minutes before we laid her back down and moved on. I felt the Holy Spirit moving and I got really emotional. It continued to be very emotional for me as we walked with Kanta and the women from house to house praying for the women and families. Not every household had an obvious illness - sometimes we prayed against evil in a home, other times we prayed for food and resources for a poor family.

No one was translating our English prayers to Hindi and tons of women and children stood around and watched each time we prayed. I got the feeling that we were being viewed as some kind of healers and it was not a feeling I enjoyed. As I prayed for the hurting and sick in Auchandi, I also prayed that they people there would see God and not us as we ministered to them in His name.

The homes we visited were all concrete buildings that were tall and narrow, most shared walls as they were all lined up along the same street. Alleys and streets looked the same; cows milling around, children running and playing, doorways to homes every 12 feet or so... It was quaint and cozy and quiet. At one home, we were ushered to sit on cots and were served little fruits from a tree and a warm-yogurt-type-drink that was super salty - called a lassi (NOT my favorite by any means!).

When we headed back to our hostess' home, we had a few minutes before the food was going to be ready for lunch so we headed to the roof of the home and got the bird's eye view of the village. Dry cowpies were on almost every rooftop and the neighborhood children shyly waved at us from their roofs. We handed out all the toys and trinkets to the children that we'd brought and not been able to give away yet. Most of my gifts were Southwest Airlines treats - thanks boss! The kids (and even some adults) were all excited to see what we had for them.

Lunch was served by a team of 10 or more Indians, with three women still cramped in a 5x7ft room (the kitchen) who kept the food coming until we were all stuffed. It was one of the best meals I'd had yet in India!

We prayed with a few more families before loading up into our vehicles again and beginning the long journey back to the city. All the conversations in my vehicle on the way back seemed to stay in the serious category. Pranjal shared his testimony with us and Winn opened up to me about his life story. I still feel immensely blessed to have met such incredible, loving servants of God.

Because of traffic, we went straight from driving to the book release event for Kancha Ilaiah's new book. He had already written a controversial book entitled "Why I'm Not a Hindu" and this second book is titled "Post-Hindu India." Kancha is a Truthseeker in terms of fighting against the Caste system and many of the Christians involved with Truthseekers think that he might also follow Christ (he's a Buddhist) or at least have a healthy knowledge and curiosity of God.

At the event, light refreshments were served before everyone was seated in a small auditorium. Many important political and religious figures were there. A few white people, our group being the majority (and, once again, standing out a mile). Sunil told us that it was important that we were - that our very presence made everyone else there perk up and wonder that this issue must be important if so many white people were in attendance.

The media snapped a lot of photos of Kancha, speakers, book reviewers, and those of us in the audience during the two hour event. I learned so much and purchased both of Kancha's books to read in order to understand more of the issue of Hinduism and the Caste system.

End of Day 5

2009-12-30T12:01:00.080-06:00

This is quite a vivid memory of the trip - the only time I really felt in danger - and an interesting story that I wanted to include about the end of day 5.

After our sight seeing in Agra, before we ate dinner on the roof of the hotel, I walked back down the road toward the Taj Mahal with John Kim. He was going to be my negotiator for exchanging the rest of my money.

We walked briskly, it only took about 10 minutes from our hotel to reach the Taj Mahal gate where all the tourist shops and money changers are set up. The sun was slowly disappearing and the last of the tourist groups for the day we leaving. Since we were walking toward the Taj unlike everyone else, all the shop owners were eager to get our attention. I believe I had mentioned earlier about how children and men would crowd around us and try to sell us their ware...well in this situation we received more than double the attention! I'm glad that John let me loop my arm through his--it definitely felt dangerous.

We walked to two shops asking about their exchange rate, but John wasn't happy with what they were offering. At this point, every time we left one shop for another, there was a crowd of 10-12 children waiting for us outside. They were all crowding close and talking loudly, asking us to come to their father's shop. We pressed on through the crowd of kids and as the sun dipped down a little more as we walked to one final shop. (I knew it was our final shop because I told John I wanted to leave asap!)

So we finally step into the final shop and all the kids wait outside. For the record, it's disconcerting when you walk into a narrow shop and the owners close the door behind you, but I suppose it was necessary to muffle the noise from the street. We haggled and negotiated until we got the price we wanted for my money exchange--my hands were shaking with adrenaline when I handed over the cash. Whew, I was glad to have that done and ready to head back to the hotel for dinner.

Now it was completely dark outside. Great. The street wasn't lit very well and we still had a crowd of kids following us and pressing in from all sides. There were no other tourists in sight and shops were closing. John and I were walking briskly, so briskly that I was getting out of breath - but then again, that could have still been the adrenaline. Now, in addition to all the kids, we had bicycle cart drivers pedaling alongside us, crowding us and cutting us off. Finally we just hopped in one and told the man to pedal, just to get us away from the dark street with the crowd following us, and to get us to the hotel faster.

We started getting momentum and leaving the crowd behind us. One persistent young man, probably 10 or 11 years old, with Taj Mahal memorabilia in his hands, kept jogging alongside the cart next to me. I was busy ignoring him and praying he'd give up when I felt his hand INSIDE the pocket of my kurta (the long top I was wearing)! My skin started to crawl as I realized that this kid was pick pocketing me! I snatched a hold of his hand and stared him in the eyes as he grabbed his hand away and finally left. He didn't seem guilty that he had gotten caught, merely annoyed that he'd run after us to no avail. Thankfully I don't keep things in my pockets so he didn't get anything.

I was speechless as I sat there in that bike rickshaw. And our poor driver, he was so small and pedaling as best he could, but our hotel was up a slight hill and he couldn't get the momentum to pedal up the hill and had to get out and walk next to the bike, pushing us up the hill. (I tried not to let this affect my self esteem about being chubby.) I told John that this poor man had taken us far enough so we hopped out, paid him, and walked the small way back to the hotel.

Whew! All this happened in the span of 45 minutes. I can't believe I almost forgot to include it!

When we arrived back at the hotel, we ate dinner and then loaded up to go to the Agra train station again. Gosh I hated the train station. Not only was it always crowded, and the staring worse than anywhere else, the children who beg there just break your heart and there is nothing you can do to help them.

Picture this. We get out of the taxis and standy aside the vehicles while the men unload our luggage from the top racks. As we stand there--a timid huddle of Americans--young barefoot children quickly approach us with their little arms extended asking for food or money. Because we ignored them and avoided making eye contact, the children got more agressive in trying to get our attention. They began to pinch our arms, just above the elbow and walk directly in front of our path as we headed to the station entrance with our luggage. The reason we didn't help this children is because we were told that if we gave one or two children any food or money that it would cause a riot amongst the children. Someone said, "unless you can permantely remove that child from their situation, you won't be helping them by giving them anything." Like I said, heartbreaking.

Once inside the train station, there weren't as many children begging but rather cripples. One man with no legs and a mangled arm was persistantly tapping on our feet and stayed within a few feet of us for more than 30 minutes while we waited for our train back to New Delhi. It's hard to not do anything. It's hard to realize that this is someone's livlihood. It's hard to know that some of these people were deliberately injured in order to bring in money for someone else. *Sigh* I didn't like the train stations.

Day 5 side note

2009-12-29T12:47:00.002-06:00

For our sight-seeing day, we had hired a tour guide to take us to the Taj Mahal, the Red Fort, and to a marble making place. I can't remember his name, but he spoke good english and was knowledgeable of all the facts we needed to know about these places. At the end of the day, while the rest of the team was inside the marble making place, I was sitting outside with Deshpande, the tour guide, and our two taxi drivers. Deshpande and the tour guide were having an interesting debate about Christianity vs. Muslim. The tour guide, a muslim, kept flowing back and forth between Hindi and English so I had a hard time keeping up! But at one point he looked at me and said, "If you marry me, I will convert to Christianity." HAHA! I turned him down and continued to listen to the debate. Later I found out that he's already married and has two children! Regardless, I thought it was funny. Now I can say that I received a marriage proposal in India.

Day 5

2009-12-25T22:56:00.007-06:00

These are the events of Tuesday November 24:

After sleeping in, I finally felt adjusted to India time! This was our sight-seeing day. In hindsight, I would have been perfectly fine with spending only half a day sight-seeing so that we could have had more time working with the Indian people. But, we did see some pretty incredible things on this day:

Day 4 part 2

2009-12-25T21:51:00.005-06:00

Okay so now it's Monday afternoon and we just left one village for another. Since the debacle with the taxis earlier in the day put us behind schedule, we didn't have time to eat lunch. We snacked on a few things in the taxis, but it was only an hour until we reached the second village.

Because the road we needed to take to the location of the footwashing was down a less-than-promising-and-quite-crowded road, we got out of the taxis on the main road and then walked down said street. Fortunately or unfortunately, at this time in the day there were a lot of children and teenagers walking home from school and it was obvious that many of them, and other men and women on the main road, had never seen white people before. The staring in this village was unlike anywhere else we were in India.

As we walked down the side street, we literally had a growing crowd following us down the street and into the field where the ceremony was set up to take place.

We started right away when we sat down and had a small amplifier that emitted a surprisingly loud sound of our singing and talking across the field and thus brought even more people off the street and over to hear what we were saying. The crowd grew and grew. I noticed a deep sadness in a lot of the faces--this place was noticeable different from the previous village. The people seemed oppressed and weighted down. I prayed hard as we sat there before washing feet.

When we began washing feet, the women were shy but there were enough of them in the crowd that we were busy. So many young men were taking our pictures on their cell phones that I tried not to get distracted from my task of praying over the women whose feet I was touching and washing. Sometimes someone came alongside me and translated what I was saying, but not always. I just remembered to let my face show my heart and show God's love (as best I can) to each woman, man, and child.

When we finished we had quite a crowd eager to follow us up the road to a school where we locked ourselves in so that we could use the toilet before the long car drive back to Agra. We managed to leave the crowd safely - I don't exactly think that having an entourage is as glamorous as one might think.

I started feeling carsick on the ride back to Agra - I swear the roads got bumpier on the way back! About 2 hours there in the dark, still sitting in the back seat, we got a flat tire on our taxi and had to stop on the side of the road until the men could change the tire. I opted to take a middle seat for the rest of the journey back to Agra and slept the whole way!

Even though it was relatively early in the evening, I walked up to our room in Agra and slept on my face for 40 minutes before reviving for dinner downstairs. Everyone was exhausted from the travels and emotions of the day so we quickly ate and went back to bed. One of the girls gave me some pills that helped me sleep through the night for the first time - it was awesome!

Day 4 done!

Day 4 part 1

2009-12-25T18:50:00.009-06:00

I woke up at 4:30am even though we didn't need to meet in the hotel lobby until 7am. I was thankful to discover that we had hot water in the bathroom and, after a nice shower, found a nice place in the hotel to sit and journal about the day before. I don't typically keep a daily journal, but on this trip it was such a good idea because now I can remember details like this! :-)

When 7am arrived, I was already in the hotel restaurant sipping on a cup of chai tea (have I mentioned that I would drink 3 or 4 a day in India?). We loaded the team into 3 taxis and left for our day. Not even 10 minutes later we had to turn the taxis all around and go back to the hotel. No one really knew why, at least those of us who didn't speak Hindi. There was some debacle with one taxi or driver not being legally allowed to drive foreigners out of the Agra city limits. Anyway, while that was being figured out, I enjoyed sitting at a small cafe across the street eating breakfast with the team and Sunil.

When we finally departed again, an hour later, I truly experienced an Indian Road Trip - around three hours of traffic and potholes to get us to village #1 for the day. I sat in a back fold-down seat of a vehicle comparable to a 4-runner. Deshpande was sitting across from me and 5 other people were in the front two rows of seats in the car. Sitting sideways on a fold-down seat probably didn't help me not feel carsick... Along the way Deshpande was kind enough to give me an agricultural lesson on the mustard plants, sugar cane, and banana trees we were driving past (when we weren't in a larger city area). I still can't get over the fact that we were sharing tiny roads with people on foot, motorcycles, bikes, semi trucks, donkeys, and other rural carts.

The first village, I can't find the name of it, had crackling speakers loudly blasting an announcement as we arrived and got out of the taxis. We walked to the chairs set up for us underneath a colorful tent and surrounded by interesting trees. The voice on the loudspeaker was saying "our visitors have arrived!" and people from the village quickly arrived and joined us so that we could start.

Similar to the day before, we sang and spoke to the people gathered there. I believe this was more of a "believing community" and they all seemed very receptive to what we were saying. I was honored to share for just a minute or two the things that were on my heart.

This is the gist of what I shared: “My name is Katie and I am from the state of Texas in America. I am a follower of Jesus Christ and, in my own way, a TruthSeeker. I came here to tell you about my God because His love is so great that it compels me to share that love with everyone. One thing that I love about God, is that He is an international God—I can serve Him and you can serve Him. He loves all people regardless of their country, age, or gender. When you believe in Jesus and experience His love, your life has a peace and a hope that never fade. In my country, we have heroes of our past who fought for freedom and, from what I’m learning about your country, you also have people in India’s past who have fought for freedom. Jesus also wants justice and freedom for all nations and people. He wants equality for us, the people He loves. I am honored to show you God’s love today, and that we are all created equal, by washing your feet.”

After the singing and speaking was done, and it was time to wash feet, I only washed a the feet three women before standing to the side to let the other women on our team rotate in and have a turn. The Indian women in this community seemed much more eager and willing to get up and let us wash their feet. As I stood to the side, one of the Indian men who was traveling with us came over to me and said "the women are curious about you--you should go be with them." Taking his advice, I walked over to the women sitting in the sun and sat with them. Oh how I wish I spoke Hindi at that moment!

I'll let the pictures speak about the beauty of that moment to me:

This was probably my favorite 20 minutes of the trip. I had to get up because the women wanted to wash the feet of all the ladies on our team. It was literally and spiritually touching to experience this moment and I hated leaving. I must have embraced more than 20 women on our way to the taxis.

They were incredible. This is why you should go to India. To meet people like this that change your life and help you realize how little you understand about life and love and living. I'm so glad that God let me meet the people of this village on that day.

I know...

2009-12-21T15:59:00.002-06:00

I'm so far behind on updating about my India trip! And I have so much else new stuff that I want to share! It's coming, I promise...

Day 3 part 2

2009-12-08T15:03:00.009-06:00

After lunch at the hotel, we loaded into a couple SUV taxis and cars and headed over to the site of our first footwashing. We'd only been in the car for 10 minutes when the taxis pulled over and parked on the side of the main road next to barber stations and fruit carts. We unloaded and walked down a small road, around a corner, and into the courtyard of what looked like a community center. Men, both young and old, were gather at the back and women were seated on chairs at the front. Children were running around, some gathered at the front and sat down to stare at us. (See picture.)

Once we arrived everything began quickly and without much ceremony. Some pink rose petals were sprinkled on the tables in front of us and there were also bottles of mineral water for us to drink since it we were outside and it was quite warm. This location was unique because the ceremony was opened by a Buddist-monk-in-training who gave a prayer asking for peace and unity. Then Sunil began speaking and singing with Earnest and Pranjal playing the instruments. When Sunil speaks, he will speak and then flow directly into song without skipping a beat of the Message he is delivering. Since music is a big part of Indian culture, TruthSeekers uses songs that they've written, as well as some Bollywood songs, to help communicate Truth with the low-caste Indians.

One of the ladies in our group, Lynelle, a little bit about herself and why she was there. Jody and Win also shared. Then, I hardly noticed when it happened, there were chairs and buckets at the front and we got up and started washing feet. Women could only wash womens feet, and we started with the oldest women. We tried to coax the women to come forward, sometimes they wouldn't come up unless urged to by some of the local men who spoke to them in Hindi. I washed maybe 6 or 7 womens' feet. When I wasn't washing feet, I was helping empty basins and hand out towels.

While we were still washing feet, about 20 minutes later, we sang another song and then we said a prayer. Then Deshpande came and got us to leave. We had to follow him closely and leave without a lot of announcement. You see, we had about 50 kids following us down the street and alley to the waiting cars and it was quite a task to stay together. Once the men escorted us to the cars we stayed in there until they finished gathering their equipement and joined us so we could leave. The kids remained swarmed around the vehicles and just stared at us or tapped on the windows. It was hard to leave without offering them everything their eyes were asking for--hope and love.

We arrived back at the hotel and met together on the roof in order to debrief. Several Indians were there who had been a part of the day's ceremony. One of the women offered to give the ladies on our team Henna tattoos. It was really fascinating to watch and I like tattoos - so it was a win/win for me!

We left for dinner shortly after - we walked up the road to a restaurant. Since the food took a long time to arrive (and it wasn't very good either), I ended up walking back to the hotel to eat in the hotel restaurant. I stayed up talking with a few members of our team before going to bed exhausted.

Day 3 - over.

Day 3 part 1

2009-12-05T13:27:00.011-06:00

Early on Sunday morning we were packed again and taking a 2 ½ hour train ride to Agra. I rode in the backseat of a scary taxi with one of the springs in the seat causing me discomfort on the way as our driver coughed incessantly. It was pretty frightening at the station; traffic was loud and made me disoriented as I tried to walk between the cars without losing sight of the group or losing grip on my luggage. This moment was when we really noticed people staring at us. Being a large group of white people, we stood out to say the very least! And when Indians stare, they have an expressionless face and they don't really stop staring--even when you meet their eyes. Some how I got used to this during the next six days.

We hustled and bustled to get everyone on the right train car, in the right seat. Finally, we were departing and on our way to Agra. Out the window of the train car, I saw countless slums as we moved through and out of Delhi. Children and women were walking around through piles of trash and garbage, there were housing areas that were made of flimsy materials, and there was litter all along the side of the train for the length of our journey.

When we arrived in Agra, the leaders of the community we would be visiting later that day greeted us with flower leis. There were people everywhere but we managed to stay as one group and load up into cars as we drove to our hotel. I already liked Agra better than Delhi. It was crowded like all of India is, but it seemed like the roads were more open and the sky more bright. When we arrived at the Hotel Taj Plaza, I looked down the street and saw the top of the Taj Mahal! We explored our less-than-stellar room with three tiny beds (smaller than a twin) and sketchy bathroom. The roof was fun, you could eat meals from the hotel restaurant there, and had a specktacular view of the Taj Mahal.

Since we had two hours to kill before our afternoon footwashing, we got the chance to walk around and see what normal life looks like. Since we'd mostly been in the TruthSeekers office the day before, it was good to get out and feel the sun. Although you can never really take a deep breath of clean air in India due to the pollution, the warmth of the air seemed to help us adapt to the time zone.

We walked down the road in front of the hotel that leads to the Taj Mahal. The closer you get to the Taj, the more venders and sellers start to yell at you and walk alongside you and try to get you to look at their postcards, snow globes, marble works, wooden trinkets, etc. We were taught that the best approach to losing their interest is to simply look straight ahead, not making eye contact, and completely ignore them. Sometimes I'd shake my head from side to side and say "Nay. Nay." But often that just encouraged them more than the ignoring.

As we turned left down another road outside the West entrance to the Taj Mahal, the shops became less tourist-oriented and we saw more of the simple shops and trades that occupy the streets of neighborhoods. We saw monkeys wandering around, pigs digging through trash, naked children, hardworking men and women, donkeys carrying carts, cows wandering around, bicycles and rickshaws, goats, dogs sleeping in the street, and lots of curious glances.

We quickly discovered that the children all know "hello. chocolate?" and "hello. money?" in English. Since we weren't handing out money or chocolate, we entertained them with our cameras by taking pictures of them and then showing them. I remembered my go-to phrase of "What is your name?" in Hindi and got many giggles in return. It was a fun way to spend the morning.

Notes from Day 2

2009-12-05T13:22:00.002-06:00

In my journal, I wrote down several things that were shared during orientation on Saturday. I thought they were worth including for you to read as well:

"Reformation can only come to India through the presence of Christians from other countries. "

"We are dreamers, that is why we are living. The day we stop dreaming is the day we stop living." - Sunil Sardar

"I don't know if I'm a traditional Christian. But I wasn't a TruthSeeker before, and I am now. Of this I am certain." - Victor Paul

"Everyone thinks they can change India by getting rid of the caste systems. But this has only caused the castes to grow stronger. We need reformation to see change--a difference of the heart." - Sunil Sardar

Day 2

2009-12-05T12:09:00.010-06:00

I woke up at 5am because of the time difference and took a very cold bucket shower. I had waited roughly 3-4 minutes for hot water, but that didn't happen so I just filled the bucket with cold water. Although there was an option for the normal shower, the pressure wasn't impressive and I decided to just use the provided bucket and cup method. (See picture...and to clarify, I took pictures of more than just bathrooms.)

After that experience, I stood at the window by our balcony and watched the street wake up for the day. I saw a husband and wife go through some sort of morning prayer routine on their balcony, I saw men pushing carts begin to call out their wares in Hindi, I also heard newspaper headlines shouted out by cyclists, and watched the birds and parrots sway on the telephone wires.

When everyone was awake, we all walked two blocks to the TruthSeekers office for breakfast and orientation. The office is on the second floor of a building and includes a kitchen, a large gathering room, a dining room, two bathrooms, and three office rooms. People come and go throughout the TruthSeekers office everyday, dinner is served every night, and there are beds on the fourth floor of the building for guests to sleep in while in Delhi (some of the single TruthSeekers live up there). Since Delhi is essentially the Washington DC of India, lots of caste leaders from all parts of India will travel there for meetings. The office is open to everyone as long as they are willing to interact with whoever else might be there. I like that within the walls of their office and home, the TruthSeekers are working to see the caste system destroyed.

I should mention that the four main objectives of TruthSeekers are love, equality, dignity, and freedom. They are as much a social justice organization as they are a Christian ministry. Their ultimate goal is to see reconciliation of the caste system in India. Because there is not even a word in Hindi for reconciliation, the TruthSeekers teach it to low-caste Indians by connecting the pieces of truth that are throughout Indian history, traditions, and culture. So many people in India have been told lies about their worth and TruthSeekers wants to give low-caste Indians their dignity, tell them words of truth, and sing them songs of love in order to point them all to God. This was also our goal with each footwashing ceremony we did during the week.

Anyway, after breakfast we spent time in general introductions of both the American team and the TruthSeekers. To name a few: Steve Smith (from Texas!), Sunil Sardar who started TruthSeekers, Deshpande, Earnest, Pranjal, Bhascar, Vincent, Victor, and Dr. Renke. I noticed that there is a unique culture/community about TruthSeekers. Throughout the week they introduced countless social and spiritual leaders to us as "a friend of TruthSeekers" or "a TruthSeeker." Because everyone who is working for the freedom of low-caste Indians is part of the same fight, they consider all of them friends or partners of their ministry.

Throughout the morning we spent time together going over the schedule for the week, tips about food and sleep, then we would sing (I learned several songs in Hindi), and, finally, we washed each other's feet. All in all, I know that it was a crash course in learning about India and the caste system and that we didn’t even begin to scratch the surface of understanding it completely.

At the end of orientation, the women went to the Smith's house (just a few blocks away) and received a clothing lesson from Steve's wife, Robin, and their daughter Irene. In this photo, we have in the back Irene Smith, Ashley Job (13, California), and me. Then in the front is Lynnel Job (California), Jody, and McKenna.

Then we all loaded up in cars and went shopping at FabIndia for our "salwars." The bottoms I bought were called Patiyala pants, the tops are called Kurtas, and the scarf is a Dubatta.

I think we ate dinner at the TruthSeekers office, but I can't really remember. I know I went to sleep around 8 or 9pm because I was pooped!

Day 1 of my trip to India

2009-12-05T11:56:00.005-06:00

After a 15-hour flight from Chicago on November 19, which skipped ahead 11 1/2 hours to November 20, I arrived in Delhi late at night. Five other Americans were on my flight and we picked up by our leader, Noel, outside of baggage claim and customs. It is entertaining to note that I had my first experience with a squatty potty in the airport. (see picture)

When we first stepped outside the airport into the warm air, I realized that the air in India is hazy and smells like campfire and incense. But there was little time to soak in the surroundings as we were quickly divided into a taxi and the TruthSeekers van. Because it’s always rush hour in Delhi, it took us a long time to get to our guest house—or perhaps it just seemed like a long time because of the harrowing ride through a city of 14-million people with confusing roads and no apparent rules for drivers. On the roads in India, not just Delhi, you will have huge trucks and buses alongside smaller cars, motercycles, bicylces, donkeys pulling cards, 3-wheel rickshaw taxis, and wandering livestock. Combine these factors with unmarked roads, confusing construction detours, and everyone honking their horn every 5 seconds...it was total chaos!

We arrived to the "South Extension Part II" of New Delhi, where both our guest house and the TruthSeekers Office are. Our guest house was called the "Pee Fiftyone House" and was much nicer than I had expected. I stayed with Jody (23, Texas) and McKenna (17, Colorado) in a large suite with a normal toilet in the bathroom. (see picture, that's McKenna)

It was after midnight when we arrived, so we went to bed.

I'm in India

2009-11-18T09:56:00.002-06:00

I leave tomorrow for a trip to India. I'll be working with TruthSeekers International (learn more here) to reach out to the low-caste Indians near New Delhi. Please pray that lives are changed and hope is restored through the songs, testimonies, scripture, and footwashing ceremonies that I will be a part of.

My specific prayer requests are:

Practically: Please pray that travel goes smoothly (getting to India and buses/trains within India), that I will be healthy, and that I'll remember to pack everything I need (snacks, clothing, medications, host gifts, etc.).

Emotionally: Pray that I will remember the social and gender issues of the Indian culture and act appropriately. Pray that I will be able to "cope" with the poverty I’ll see. And, finally, pray that I and the rest of my team of 8 will connect well with each other and the local Indian Truthseekers Staff.

Spiritually: Please pray that, despite the hopeless situations I might see, I will be given words of hope to share with the low caste Indians I meet; that I won't become discouraged or frustrated by my inability to change their circumstances. That God shows me more of Him.

I look forward to recovering from jet lag next weekend by spending time processing what I saw and learned in India. I will definitely post those thoughts here with some photos too.

Please eat a huge turkey dinner for me and enjoy the time with your family and friends celebrating all that we have to be thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving!

Hebrews 7:25, NLT

2009-11-18T09:46:00.008-06:00

Therefore He is able, once and forever, to save those who come to God through Him. He lives forever to intercede with God on their behalf.

I have never had to walk to my school or walk to my job.
I've never been deprived of dignity on a daily basis.
I have never been considered low-caste.
I have never felt true hunger.
I've never been without a bed to sleep in.
I have never lived in a crammed shack.
I've never really known hopelessness.

Can a few Westerners going to the neighborhoods in and around New Delhi really make a difference? Can our hands washing their feet really restore hope in a broken society, fully of bondage? I believe the answer is yes because - although I have never - HE IS ABLE.

Comment moderation

2009-11-18T09:46:00.006-06:00

I've heard from several people that they are unable to comment on my blog - I'm sorry about that! I don't know what is causing the problems, I'll contact blogger.

In the meantime, I cherish your thoughts! If you are unable to comment on one of my posts, please e-mail me with the title of blog in the subject line. My e-mail address is katie.ellwood[at]gmail.com

Thanks Friends!

Jeremiah 1:4-8, NLT

2009-11-17T22:58:00.002-06:00

The Lord gave me this message:

“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.
Before you were born I set you apart
and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.”

“O Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I can’t speak for you! I’m too young!”

The Lord replied, “Don’t say, ‘I’m too young,’ for you must go wherever I send you and say whatever I tell you. And don’t be afraid of the people, for I will be with you and will protect you. I, the Lord, have spoken!”

Most of the time, these is the same words that I hear God telling me. I'm not saying that I'm a prophet like Jeremiah, I'm saying that I feel called to share God's love with people - all the time. I sometimes think that I'm too young to achieve the dreams that I have, but God has always used people of various ages to spread His message.

Tonight I was feeling emotionally empty because of the hectic schedule I've had. I feel ready for the trip to India, but I just needed a boost. Thankfully, these verses came to me and I once again feel refreshed with new vigor from the Lord as I read His Word and see His plans for me can only be accomplished because He is with me.

A timely word, a hopeful word, a promising word, a prophetic word, a blessed word, an encouraging word, a healing word--Your words, Lord, are a balm for my soul. Thank you.

Insecurities

2009-11-17T14:17:00.003-06:00

Bleh. I hate insecurities. I suppose they remind me that I am human and not an infallible being. You might not realize how much this blog is an insecurity for me. It's all my secrets and thoughts and dreams submitted to cyberspace for anyone to read. Yikes! Half the time, when or if I go back and read past posts, I want to delete them because I read it and think "that was stupid - why did I write that?". But I don't delete them. (I can't say the same for some of my facebook statuses or tweets though, haha!)

Whoever reads this, thank you for not telling me that what I write is ridiculous. I don't want false compliments, but I am really insecure about my writing - even though I love to write and think that it will remain a big part of my life for years to come. And, strangely enough, I'm not sure that I want to overcome this insecurity. It keeps me humble and keeps me authentic with what I write.

But I still hate insecurities. Raw emotions of any kind usually overwhelm and intimidate me. Goodness knows I'm going to be a mess one day when I fall in love. Ick!

In the meantime, I'm going to try and remain emotionally healthy, even if it means acknowledging certain insecurities that are here to stay. I'm going to remember that God never changes and in God alone I can be confident.

Lamentations 3:19-24, The Message

I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,

the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.

I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—

the feeling of hitting the bottom.

But there's one other thing I remember,

and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

God's loyal love couldn't have run out,

his merciful love couldn't have dried up.

They're created new every morning.

How great your faithfulness!

I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).

He's all I've got left.

Genesis 22:14, NLT

2009-11-16T23:00:00.002-06:00

Abraham named the place Yahweh-Yireh (which means “the Lord will provide”). To this day, people still use that name as a proverb: “On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided.”

One of the many things I remember from my years in Sunday school and bible memorization programs for students is the study I did in high school on the names of God. Jehovah-Jireh is the one I remember the most as I have always felt it was the name/characteristic of God that was easiest for me to grasp.

God has been good to me by providing for my needs. Perhaps not always in the drastic way that He did for Abraham in the Old Testament, but nonetheless, I have very little needs in this temporary world and I credit that blessing to my heavenly Father.

I'm preparing to leave for India this week and wondering at how my privileged American mindset will handle the concept of a God who is a Provider and the face that I will be faced with drastic physical needs in a way I never have before.

Does God really provide for those people? Can I really tell them that my God (who has blessed me with a nice car, apartment, and job) wants to provide for them without getting their expectations to out-of-wack?

I suppose God's characteristic of being a Provider isn't as easy to understand as I first thought.

Lord, please teach me to understand that Your provision doesn't always mean comfort, stress-free living, and bills that are paid. Please allow me to have a broken heart for the needs of this world so that I don't become faithless and doubt that You are Who you say You are - a Provider. Thank you for tearing down my haughtiness and continually molding me. Allow me to use my resources to join in your Team of Provision. Thank you for the opportunity to join You in what You're doing around the world.

Exodus 3:12, NLT

2009-11-11T23:10:00.002-06:00

God answered, “I will be with you."

Have you ever been in the place where you need confirmation? You doubt your work, your image, and your location - you might ask God for a sign to let you know that you're where He wants you to be. Some days we don't get that sign, some days are dark with discouragement.

I remember when I lived in Ireland there were a few days like that. I was doing volunteer youth work in Belfast with Youth for Christ and sometimes missed the comfort of being "home" in a place with other Americans and my favorite food. Thankfully, those days were truly few and far between -- I've doubt what I'm doing more since I returned to Texas than ever before.

You'd think that in my home country I would find comfort, but almost every day I'm asking God to confirm why I am here and why I'm doing what I am. It's not what I thought it would be. It's not bad - please don't get me wrong, I'm very blessed - but it's just different and my spirit isn't satisfied.

The good news is that God is with me. Overseas, in Texas, in my car, in my cubicle - He's there. And sometimes, when discouragement comes like the rain, God comes like the rainbow to remind us that we are where He wants us to be.

"Lord you have permitted me to experience the joy of Your purposeful, promising presence. Even on days when I doubt, help me know that wherever I am, I can share that joy with those who are homesick."

Remembrance Day

2009-11-11T13:06:00.004-06:00

I'm not usually political in my posts, but doesn't everyone have some patriotic pride emerge on Veterans Day? I won't get too bogged down with jargen or hype because it annoys when I see other people feel the need to jump on the "oh yeah, thanks vets" wagon in terms of facebook statuses and twitter updates. I guess I really shouldn't be so skeptical of their intentions.

For an interesting perspective on this day, also known as Remebrance Day in other countries, please read my cousin Phoebe's blog. Click here. She is currently studying at Oxford and has learned a new perspective about this "holiday." I remember the somber significance of Remembrance Day when I lived in Ireland and I was grateful to read Phoebe's post for the reminder that Veterans Day is about more than sales and parades.

All I want to say really is that I'm extremely grateful for the sacrifices that have been made by my family members to serve our country. My cousin Cory (active Marine) and his wife and three children; my Uncle Steve. My deceased family members: great-Grandpa Colonel Herbert Gish (Army) and his family who was at home while he served in WWI and WWII; Great-Great-Uncle Milton (Army); Great-Great-Aunt Mildred (Navy); and my much loved Grandad Frank Anderson (Army) and my Grandma Mary Jo for supporting him from home during WWII.

Here is a picture of my Grandad in France during WWII. I'm very proud.

A Constant Frustration

2009-11-09T14:21:00.004-06:00

This is a little sidetrack from my current theme of "encouragement." I was out-of-town and unplugged from technology this weekend and will soon resume my normal posts. However, at the moment, I'm distracted by my heart's scuffle with emotions of confusion, anger, and frustration.

You see, I have the priviledge of being a friend and/or mentor to many ladies in Dallas. Some a little older, most younger, I keep hearing the same statements and questions in conversations:

"I don't feel anything anymore."

"How can I actually do anything for the Lord? What do I have to offer?"

"Life sucks. What's the point?"

"Why aren't I happy?"

"How come God hasn't given me what I want?"

"I don't know what I believe anymore - I'm so confused."

"This isn't what I thought it was going to be like."

Most of the time I don't have the gumption to tell them, bluntly, what I think is true on the subject. I believe that we let ourselves get discouraged when we stress about how to fit God in our lives or when we can schedule a "quiet time" and get it crossed off our to-do list. God can't and shouldn't be orchestrated. This becomes religion and religion isn't what God wants.

No wonder we feel distant from God when we work so hard to do the things we think will make us feel better. All we have to do is live life, the kind of life God wants us to live, and include Him in every aspect.

Isaiah 1:13-17, The Message translation

"Quit your worship charades. I can't stand your trivial religious games: Monthly conferences, weekly Sabbaths, special meetings—meetings, meetings, meetings—I can't stand one more! Meetings for this, meetings for that. I hate them! You've worn me out! I'm sick of your religion, religion, religion, while you go right on sinning. When you put on your next prayer-performance, I'll be looking the other way. No matter how long or loud or often you pray, I'll not be listening. And do you know why? Because you've been tearing people to pieces, and your hands are bloody. Go home and wash up. Clean up your act. Sweep your lives clean of your evildoings so I don't have to look at them any longer. Say no to wrong. Learn to do good. Work for justice. Help the down-and-out. Stand up for the homeless. Go to bat for the defenseless. "

So there.

Colossians 3:2, New Living Translation

2009-11-05T22:18:00.003-06:00

Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth.

As "things above" and "things below" are obviously contrary one to the other, both cannot be followed together. It's a difficult choice to make as a disciple of Christ; heaven or the world, sacrifice or comfort? Actually, that probably isn't correct. I just realized as I typed that that I assume choosing things of the world means comfort. That isn't true - the world has pain and no one is exempt from it. That said, it isn't a field of daisies when you follow God, either. We get many blessings from following Christ, but a perfect life isn't promised.

Ultimately, what I learned from this verse tonight is that I have made a wonderful choice in choosing Christ and I need to see every thing (good or bad) through an eternal perspective and as a blessing an opportunity to learn and grow.

Father, why do I often equate blessings with comfort, health, and pleasant circumstances? I so want to count as blessings the difficult moments and happenings as well. Please continue to give me gentle reminders of contentment through the examples of those I encounter who "live simply, so others may simply live." Amen.

James 1:12, NLT

2009-11-04T22:52:00.002-06:00

God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

It's ironic that this was the verse I read tonight because earlier to day I read a blog (which I love because it's harshly authentic and quite controversial) about the author's strong feelings against a new book about to be published by a "prosperity gospel" figure. I won't reveal who either of these people are because it's not relevant.

As you (hopefully) know, this verse from James isn't promising us wealth, health, or the answers to our problems. In fact, this verse doesn't even promise an end to the testings and temptations of life. - insert depressing music here - But I believe that there is encouragement found in these words. These words are ultimately the definition of perseverance. Bearing under the load, not being freed from it.

As Christians, our ability to persevere is different from those who don't know God. We can continue to walk through trails and trust that God will remain faithful and trustworthy to give us strength to stand up again when we fall. Share this hope with someone today.

Father, when the cares of this world weigh me down, You see me through to a new day. I praise and thank You for Your Holy Spirit whose encouragement inspires me to persevere through difficult experiences. Amen.

Proverbs 12:25, NLT

2009-11-03T22:52:00.002-06:00

Worry weighs a person down;
an encouraging word cheers a person up.

Obviously the current theme of my blog is encouragement and verses that relate to it. I never really thought of myself as a worrier but life of late has revealed my worrisome side. Thankfully my worry isn't where my next meal comes from or where I'll sleep each night. But worry still does tend to reflect in my eyes and my attitude. This proverb is accurate that an encouraging word can cheer a person up. I'm always eager to have someone give me a cheerful word (I wish it happened more often!) and make the day seem brighter. I also like being the deliverer of that encouraging word that cheers someone up!

This blog seems kinda pointless and meaningless tonight but I'm trying hard to blog every night. It's been a couple months since my blogging was regular and I miss it. Thanks for bearing with me through the slower nights when my brain is tired!

Hebrews 10:24, NLT

2009-11-02T21:50:00.002-06:00

Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works.

At a church small group leaders meeting tonight we talked about the mission of our groups. While the description of my group (below) could qualify as a mission statement, I think this verse from Hebrews better describes what the overall purpose of our meeting each week is about.

We are a women-only small group; a fun mix of women in their 20s who meet weekly in central Dallas. We represent a unique blend of careers, hair colors, and hobbies. But with all that aside, we come together each week as a community of appreciated individuals to share, learn and serve with one another as we seek to deepen our relationships with God.

Looking at it now, the verse and the description say the same thing (more or less). Overall, the main point is that we know why we meet each week. We want to motivate and encourage each other to know God better and to incorporate His love in our daily actions.

I just learned that I need to prepare a short message to share during the footwashing events for my upcoming trip to India. I need to speak from the Word and center on either a parable, God's desire to release people from captivity, or God's love. Basically, I need to apply the mission of my small group to this mission trip - encourage others and motivate them to accept and live out God's love.

In that mindset, it's a different picture in Dallas than it will be in New Delhi. But I'm hopeful that I will be used by God to encourage (both here and there), and also that God will use His people around the world to encourage me. More than anything, I hope God's heart will be pleased by all that He sees His hands doing through mine and those on my team and those in my small group.

James 1:2-4, New Living Translation

2009-11-01T22:24:00.002-06:00

For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

This used to be one of my favorite passages of scripture because it encouraged me as I struggled with things. Now I'm not so sure that I like it because I've come further in life and realized that there is always a struggle and always a test to my faith. Sometimes I just get so tired of it and want a break. But I know there isn't a break on this earth from pain and struggle. My spirit gets so tired of these "growth opportunities" and wants to just finally be at home with the Lord.

Jesus, please come home soon so that I can sit at Your feet all day and have no more toil or grief. I know it's nothing I deserve but that You have promised it to me. I love You and hope that my meager offerings and pitiful faith can somehow make You proud until Your return.

Unexpected Expense

2009-10-25T11:45:00.002-05:00

"One day," I always say. "One day I'll learn how to manage my money better!"

These words typically follow a financial blunder on my part; an instance in which I thought I was doing good and then swiftly realized that my account balance didn't add up correctly. Darnit. I blame the automatic withdraw for all my problems. :-)

At the beginning of this year, I went through a 13-week course on financial peace that was offered by Dave Ramsey and hosted by my church. I learned so much and made good progress. No more credit card debt, I think that's worth celebrating! But I still struggle. I can complain that it's because I don't make enough money or because something "always comes up," but the truth is that I should plan my life and finances according to what I make and with a plan for the unexpected expenses (which, if you think about it, aren't that unexpected...Christmas comes at the same time every year you know).

This morning, as I was once again lamented an upcoming expense that was "unexpected," I began to think about Christ. The Bible speaks about Christ's sacrifice as the payment for our sins. That He canceled our debt. That He paid the ultimate expense. I sat here just overwhelmed with these thoughts... I mean, how can I complain about my monetary expenses that are not significant in light of eternity (except that how I handle them should honor God) when my mindset should really be focused on things above.

God didn't have an unexpected expense when He lost His Son to death for our sins. God the Father and God the Son knew the high cost of this act. It was planned for all of time, every aspect of our human condition, of history, and of our future was taken into account. And when the moment came to make the payment, He didn't waver. There was no going back, no searching for additional funds, no credit, no remaining balance. He paid it all.

In light of this, my life should change. My daily actions should reflect my heart's condition - which is debt free because of Christ! So the next time I feel that life is asking too much, more than I can afford to give, I pray that my Spirit remembers first that my life is not my own and all I have to give is all I need to give for God's glory every day.

Ephesians 5:19b-20, NIV

2009-10-25T10:54:00.002-05:00

"Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

I'm sitting in the kitchen of my unusually quiet house and listening to my favorite Christian music and reading the Bible. I'm not sure that I could exactly define what Paul meant when he said to "make music in your heart to the Lord," but I think it must be something like what my heart is doing right now.

Galations 6:1-3, The Message

2009-10-23T12:46:00.006-05:00

Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day's out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ's law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived.

I have a sore back most mornings. It's the result of a strained muscle in 2006 (note: don't go jump on a bed to scare a friend and then fall on the floor, it hurts!). Because this stiffness prevents me from moving about my daily routine in comfort, I find myself going through significant effort to avoid moving in a way that I know will hurt. I look ridiculous, and whatever I'm doing usually takes twice as long, but I succeed in avoiding the pain.

These verses says "stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed." When I read this, I realized that I'm incredibly selfish and self-protective. My habit of exerting more time and effort to avoid discomfort has overlapped into my spiritual life. Too often I am unwilling to go out of my way to assist another believer or someone I see in need. I let my comfort and schedule dictate whether or not I will show grace and mercy as God commands. This is shockingly similar to the appalling behavior of the priest and the Levite in the story of the Good Samaritan.

I've never wanted to be in the place where I ask those in my life to show me grace and mercy, but are unwilling to bend down and offer it myself. As much as it might hurt or be inconvenient, I need to follow Christ's example and share their burdens. I'm deceiving myself to think that I can accept it and not have to give it in return.

So I'm going to continue to take care of strengthening my back muscles and building up strength while also practicing the spiritual discipline of overcoming the desire to walk past those who are oppressed and need grace and mercy.

Jesus said, "Go and do the same."

If my life were a book

2009-10-23T12:30:00.004-05:00

In the few moments of quiet that I've had in the last couple weeks, I find myself coming up with chapter titles to the book of my life. It might seem silly, but I literally drive from one thing to the next and think to myself: "When I write my memoir, this chapter will be called ____." I amuse myself too much sometimes. Anyway -

Maybe one day I will have the time to add words underneath these titles. But in the meantime, here are a few for your entertainment:

Cooking for One

Red-faced and Running

Cubicle Blues

Left Behind

Don't Tell Me: To Say No
Don't Tell Me: That I Can't Do It
Don't Tell Me: You Understand
Don't Tell Me: To Wait
Don't Tell Me: Anything
God is Annoying Me
I've Got Peace Like a Volcano
I wish I was an Ostrich
Pride is Here, just waiting for the Fall
It's all Eve's Fault
Unread Books
Just Me and .
Star of the Freak Show
Rock and Roller Coasters

Hebrews 13:8

2009-10-19T16:33:00.004-05:00

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

I spent a long time yesterday reading through scripture, trying to find a verse that would bring comfort to a grieving friend. I wanted something that would tell my friend everything that I was at a loss to say in my own words. Discouraged at not being able to find the "right thing," I closed the bible and moved on to a different thought.

Then, later last night, I read a blog about suffering. In that blog was the verse that I didn't realize I needed, Hebrews 13:8. It may not have been able to provide the words that will give all the answers or help anything make sense, but these words are true and just as applicable.

Thank you Lord for being our consistent Savior. When things don't make sense, help us to remember that you're the same. Love you God. Goodnight.

Psalm 19:7-9, The Message

2009-10-16T10:56:00.003-05:00

The revelation of God is whole

and pulls our lives together.

The signposts of God are clear

and point out the right road.

The life-maps of God are right,

showing the way to joy.

The directions of God are plain

and easy on the eyes.

God's reputation is twenty-four-carat gold,

with a lifetime guarantee.

The decisions of God are accurate

down to the nth degree.

Last night after hearing a friend speak her heart and share her convictions about what God is asking her to do, I couldn't help but think a lot about obedience. It's not easy. I admire my friend for recognizing what the Lord wants her to do and realizing that she must obey - the trick is that it's going to be very very difficult for her.

I was thrilled to see that a verse from Psalm 19 was the "verse of the day" on www.biblegateway.com today. Reading these words on the validity of the Word are just the "push" I think we all need when it comes to obedience. We can't go wrong if we obey.

I don't know if this speaks to you and where God has you right now, but regardless, I would encourage you to act on that "nudge" from the Lord. He knows what He's doing.

I miss you

2009-10-08T15:37:00.002-05:00

Dear Blog,

I miss writing each night. I don't know why I've been away. Although, come to think of it...I began a new job, my not-so-small group multiplied into three, I have traveled, begun a small freelance writing job, and read two books. Oh.

Nevertheless, when I don't write to you, dear Blog, I'm also not spending the time in the Word that I want to be. As such, I'm not only suffering mentally from not processing all my thoughts - but I'm also suffering spiritually. And my spiritual health is important. Perhapys I shall begin staying at work a few minutes past my shift each day. Just long enough so I can compose a blog for the day.

Wait for me, my friend. I'm on my way back to you!

Katie.

Proverbs 2:1-8, New Living Translation

2009-10-04T23:27:00.003-05:00

My child, listen to what I say,
and treasure my commands.
Tune your ears to wisdom,
and concentrate on understanding.
Cry out for insight,
and ask for understanding.
Search for them as you would for silver;
seek them like hidden treasures.
Then you will understand what it means to fear the Lord,
and you will gain knowledge of God.
For the Lord grants wisdom!
From his mouth come knowledge and understanding.
He grants a treasure of common sense to the honest.
He is a shield to those who walk with integrity.
He guards the paths of the just
and protects those who are faithful to him.

I seek things all the time. At work I seek the right words to use in my letters and I search for ways to do my job better. At home, I look for that lost sock, a misplaced container of leftovers somewhere in the fridge, and ways to keep things clean. In other areas of life, I seek things like the right greeting card for a friend, the perfect price of gas to fill up my car, new activities and events to attend with friends, and ways to prevent boredom. I am a seeker of all these things.

Ultimately, however, I want to be a seeker of Christ and Him alone. I read this proverb listed above and I am ashamed that my energy is spent more in seeking the temporary things of the world than it is in the eternal things of the Lord.

This is the same journey I've been on for years. I know its only going to continue, but hopefully it will at least get better! :-)

Seasons of Change

2009-10-02T10:06:00.000-05:00

The changing of the summer to autumn is my favorite time of year. As if there hasn’t been an autumn before, I get excited about drinking apple cider, taking walks with leaves falling from trees, carving pumpkins, and reveling in the cool weather. I was giddy today thinking about these fall activities. This is the kind of change that I enjoy. This kind of change doesn’t necessarily require me to do anything other than add more layers to my wardrobe.

Unfortunately, there is so much more that needs to change than just the natural rotation of seasons. The seasons of friendship need to change when life takes you down an unexpected turn or through a natural progression of life stages. Your life often goes through a changing of seasons when you transition from a location or a job. The spiritual seasons of my life aren’t on a regular schedule and we need to wake ourselves up from hibernation when we’ve been sleeping too long.

Especially on my mind today is the type of change that we have control over. We must change the trends in of injustice, of hunger, of gossip, of complacency, and of hatred. I am tired of seeing myself stand by, this season must change. In light of what Christ did for us, how can I go idly go through life? My heart echoes the words here in David Crowder’s song “Surely We Can Change”:

And the problem is this
We were bought with a kiss
But the cheek still turned
Even when it wasn't hit

And I don't know
What to do with a love like that
And I don't know
How to be a love like that

When all the love in the world
Is right here among us
And hatred too
And so we must choose
What our hands will do

And the problem it seems
Is with you and me
Not the Love who came
To repair everything

Where there is pain
Let there be grace
Where there is suffering
Bring serenity
For those afraid
Help them be brave
Where there is misery
Bring expectancy
And surely we can change
Surely we can change
Something

Oh, the world's about to change
The whole world's about to change

Matthew 4:18-25

2009-10-01T22:33:00.003-05:00

After small group tonight I wanted to reword this passage in my own words, as if I were a character in the story. So here is my attempt:

As Jesus walked along a well-traveled and familiar place, He saw a young woman working at her job. Jesus said to her, "Join me. I'll show you how to go beyond your normal work and life an eternally focused life. Together we'll show others about love." The young woman immediately agreed and changed her entire life in order to follow Him.

A little further away, Jesus and the woman came across more people who were working, going to school, and pursuing their normal routines. The same offer was made and everyone abandoned their old lives as they knew them and followed Jesus.

From this point on, these individuals walked with Jesus throughout their community. Everywhere they went, the spoke of truth and the love of Christ. People were healed both physically and spiritually as a result. God was glorified.

Think Time

2009-09-29T18:30:00.003-05:00

This week I've cut back on my schedule. Shocking, I know. But because I was starting a new position at work, I knew the transition was going to be draining and I could use all the down time I could get. Let me just say, it was incredible. I got to drive around, wander through shops and stores, cook dinner, and work out. Simple pleasures.

This did give me a lot of "think time." Ironically enough, I was reading a chapter from Howard Hendrick's "Living by the Book" and came across the same concept there. I am reading from the third and final section of the book about application of the bible. One of the steps of application is to MEDITATE.

The author shares that he was once at a time in his life where he was near a psychotic breakdown. It wasn't until someone came and visited him and followed him around that he heard the words: "Your problem is that you are behind on your think time." Like the author, I can let so many things occupy my attention that I don't allow myself time apart to process it all. This could be the very definition of "overwhelmed."

True meditation (aka: think time) is "pondering the truth with a view to letting it help and readjust our lives." This is vital to the Believer. Hopefully, believers are spending time in God's word. But more than that, are believer leaving time to mediate on these works and let them sink in to our core and change our lives? Or are we just crossing off our list of "christian things to do today?"

When I lived in Northern Ireland, the staff at Youth for Christ were masters at knowing their year-teams would need time to meditate. Every month we would get together for a "team day" and there would always be a reflective exercise or an hour or more of "me time." I credit those moments to my sanity that year. And what have I done to continue that practice here in Dallas? Aside from the occasional emotional breakdown due to exhaustion, I don't give myself that time until it's a spiritual code red. I should be proactive about scheduling biblical meditation in my life.

Meditation is key to changing our outlook. Just like I felt as though my quality of life was better this week because I started a wonderful new position at work and had more down time in the evenings, I'm sure the same will apply to my spiritual quality of life when I leave more intentional spiritual meditation time in my life.

To TV or not TV

2009-09-17T01:19:00.005-05:00

On weeknights when I come home (which is usually around 9pm or 10pm), the updates of my friends on Facebook and Twitter make me feel two things, and those two things contradict each other. I guess this is the proof of my struggle with balancing emotions!

Numero 1) I resent the fact that I'm too busy/involved watch tv. I want to be lazy and relax just like everyone else!!

Numero 2) When I come home from spending precious time with my best friends/leading a weekly biblestudy/babysitting for free for another small group/investing in friendships, I inevitably log onto facebook or twitter and about 80% of the updates are regarding the shows of the night. I can't help but puff myself up and congratulate myself on how I'm not wasting my life away in front of the tube.

Yikes, my judgmental and conceited attitude really came through in that last one. Honesty--yeesh!

Well, my back-and-forth battle with these two thoughts has continued in the last couple weeks. While I don't think there is anything wrong with a night at home to "veg out," I definitely think that you can relax just as much with one or two friends over. Then at least you're "vegging out" in community. Controversy, if you are out of the house and just too busy to sit still, make sure you don't become so self-righteous and judgmental that you alienating people.

Luke 6:37, "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned."

Bad news

2009-09-16T11:21:00.006-05:00

Remember the story of the prophet Samuel when he had to go deliver bad news to King Saul? Saul had disobeyed God and Samuel had to go tell him that God was unhappy with him. I'm sure Samuel was not looking forward to that conversation.

What about the story of Jonah: God tells Jonah to go to Ninevah and preach against the city for their wickedness. I'm not sure anyone can blame Jonah for wanting to flee, even to the belly of a whale.

I delivered bad news today. And it sucked.

Most of us can remember exactly where we were and what we were doing when we've been given bad news. I remember sitting in the dingy McDonalds table as a young teenager when my parents told us that my grandpa had died. When I first learned of the plane crashes on September 11, 2001, I was in my pajamas, in the family room with my mom. Well now I feel like I'm the person that will be included in the memory of those who I had to tell about Tracie today...and it's not a memory that I want to be a part of.

Here is another strange thought. As a Christian, I have GOOD NEWS for everyone - Jesus Christ, is the Son of the One True God, and He came to earth as a human to take the punishment of our sin (death). But He conquered death and offers everyone access to eternal life by simply accepting His forgiveness and acknowledging Him as God. So my strange thought is this, for good news to be considered good, doesn't it need to be compared to bad news?

Basically what I'm getting at is that, even in the midst of bad news and bad days, God can work, God is there, He is all around, and He has good news.

From inside the fish Jonah prayed to the LORD his God. He said:
"In my distress I called to the LORD,
and he answered me.
From the depths of the grave I called for help,
and you listened to my cry."

Jonah 2:1-2

All Around by The Glorious Unseen

2009-09-16T10:42:00.001-05:00

When my world is caving in

When my hopes are wearing thin

When I’m choking in my sin -

Lord, you meet me here

When all around is crashing down,

I find myself alive in you

Holy one, renew

When all around is crashing down,

I find my spirit crying out

Holy one, consume

When I listen to the fear

When I feel my end is near

When all hope has disappeared -

Lord, you meet me here

Will you pour out again?

God of mercy, here I am reaching out to you-

Reaching out for a breakthrough

Father, hear my cry of desperation once again

I look into your eyes - and know a love that has no end

1 John 4:16a, NIV

2009-09-15T23:30:00.003-05:00

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

I just read the obituary of one of my friends. I haven' t ever done that before. My heart is confused and torn between feeling hurt and feeling sad. Suicide is perplexing and leaves a lot of unanswered questions.

Because Tracie and I have lost touch in the last couple of years, our interaction was limited to the odd facebook chat every few months. Perhaps that is what makes this even more weird. A huge part of my time in highschool was spent with Tracie: church on Sunday nights, Awana program on Mondays and Thursdays, homeschool classes, and social events most weekends. This is where it's weird. I almost feel like I shouldn't hurt so much because we weren't close anymore. But that's really the opposite of what the situation is.

Because we weren't close anymore, and now I hear that she's gone, all I want to is call her and see how she's doing. I want to call and ask her what was going on that made her choose to end it all. Mostly, I want the chance to have my friend back.

I sat at home this morning and looked through old photos of Tracie and I from highschool. I felt like I needed to sit at home in quiet and reflect on her life with respect. I don't want to move on from this day or this week with any resentment or bitterness. The confusion will probably linger, that's what suicide does, but I want to respect Tracie's life and speak kindly of the person she was.

One of my best friends just went through these same emotions when a friend of hers took his own life. She has a much better way of communicating emotions than I, here are the words she shared with me today:

we loved them. and now they're gone. and we don't know why. and we never will. i think whats really cruel about suicide is that it robs the person of their identity. and it labels them. and people hear they "committed suicide" and the person they make up in their head isn't who the person was. they were someones child. someones brother or sister. someones best friend. they were someone. and for us who are left behind, i think we just have to chose to remember them, as the person they were. before suicide. before life became too hard. and we miss them. but mostly, we remember. and we live. and we chose to let their lives mean something.

Extremists

2009-09-10T13:04:00.007-05:00

"One of the most disturbing things about Church history is the Church's appalling track record of being on the wrong side of the great social issues of the day." - Richard Stearns, The Hole in our Gospel

This quote is the first sentence in the chapter titled "AWOL for the greatest humanitarian crisis of all time." Richard Stearns' main point is that the Church can no longer attempt to function as a G-rated ministry when we live in an R-rated world.

It's no secret that I grew up in a sheltered environment--and I have no regrets about it. You can credit this decision to the fact that my parents were protective, that we were homeschooled in order to base our education on scripture, or that our family wanted our foundation to be firmly rooted in God before our exposure to the world. Any of those reasons are valid and, I repeat, I don't regret it.

But to state the obvious, I'm grown now and can no longer chose to be sheltered from the world. It won't work and it's not what we're commanded to do as warriors for Christ. "Be in the world but not of it." I appreciate my academic education and my social education, both have helped bring me to think and discuss issues that are vital to our society. I can't hide, and I don't want to look back one day and realize that my lack of research or willingness to see each side of an issue resulted in me being on "the wrong side."

So I'm trying not to ignore or disengage from the important social issues. I am trying to watch the news, read different opinions, and just participate in this R-rated world.

You've got mail... actual mail!

2009-09-09T15:08:00.004-05:00

Last night when I got home I was pleasantly surprised (to say the least) to see a brown package on my bed - mail, I mean, real mail! Something about real mail still makes me giddy (even when I know what it is!).

The small brown package I received last night was even more special to me than other things I've received in the post lately. Inside was my very first book to review from Thomas Nelson Publishers. Yes, I now review books! It might not seem significant to anyone but myself, but let me tell you why this is a big deal to me.

Since my introduction to the Twitterverse a month ago, I have had the privilege of following so many talented writers, pastors, bloggers, worship leaders. To be honest, it has made me feel a combination of inadequacy and admiration. The admiration trumps the negativity and I am motivated to embrace my curiosity about writing. Is it for me?

Part of this process toward discovery will be to (a) continue this blog, tweaking it when necessary to try a different thought or style and (b) read and review more content by other authors.

I was ecstatic to realize that I could review books for Thomas Nelson. I signed up and was approved. I selected a book. It came in the mail a week later. Now I need to read it, review it, post the review, then choose another book. It seems like such a good fit for me! I am eager to begin... as soon as I can find the time...

Psalm 143:8a, The Message

2009-09-08T22:24:00.001-05:00

If you wake me each morning with the sound of your loving voice,
I'll go to sleep each night trusting in you.

I know that I just used this verse, but I wanted to use it again! I had to adjust my monthly "sacrifice" because I was oversleeping almost everyday! So, now I am waking up to the TV but I'm still not falling asleep watching it. I feel okay about it since I'm not really watching the TV in the morning, it simply helps my brain arise from the depths of slumber.

What I really want to spend my free time and evening time doing is reading. It's a little hard because I have a large stack of books looming in my face that I am required to read for one reason or another. Sometimes that takes the fun out of it, you know, when it's an assignment. Anyway, I'm working hard to schedule more time in my day for reading.

What else in my life is a requirement and, thus, makes me resent it? An activity that I would otherwise enjoy? Let's not rob ourselves of joy and make our "requirements" become such "obligations." Especially when it comes to our spiritual responsibilities.

Psalm 143:8, New Living Translation

2009-09-07T12:50:00.002-05:00

Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning,
for I am trusting you.
Show me where to walk,
for I give myself to you.

Thank you Lord for a day off! A day to appreciate You and settle down and relax. Turn everything over to you. Stop the stress. Thank You for Your unfailing love each day. I pray that today and all days from here on out I give myself to You and follow Your hand as You lead me and show me where to go. I love You!

Footwashing India

2009-09-07T12:00:00.002-05:00

Since the summer is officially over (hello labor day, goodbye white pants and shoes!), and now the countdown has begun for my November 19 departure for India. 73 days!

If you'll remember from my June 2 post, God just dropped this opportunity into my lap from the sky. Also, instead of doing the usual of sending out fundraising letters, I'm praying for the funds and letting the Lord provide. So far, people have responded and blessed me beyond my imagination by providing $1700 of my needed $2500! I'm so encouraged and humbled by the prayer and financial support I'm receiving.

If you're interested in knowing more about the trip, here is a promotional video: Footwashing India

I am honored to be a part of this upcoming trip to India. Thanks for your help.

Proverbs 13:3, The Message

2009-09-03T23:14:00.002-05:00

Careful words make for a careful life;
careless talk may ruin everything.

If you know me well, you'll know that I have quickly moved from the faithful Facebook to the trendy Twitter. Take heed of what I say next, I feel it is wise and profound.

I use Facebook for information. (600 friends, mostly people I never see or talk to)
I use Twitter for information. (following 140+, mostly Christian authors/artist whom I don't know)

The information I get on Facebook, for the most part, serves no redeeming purpose.
The resources and encouragement I get on Twitter have been huge blessings the last two weeks.

I realize that Facebook is a weak area for me spiritually. As a self-proclaimed Christ-follower, I want to live more like Christ. And gossip is not Christ-like. Yes, Facebook feeds my gossip and I want it to stop. Having spent hours of clicking on page to profile on Facebook, I only really gain new information to gossip about. "Did you see that so-and-so had a baby?" "I can't believe whats-her-name wore that outfit and was with that guy!"

I'm not saying that Twitter is the saint of social media! On the contrary, I have to intentionally resist the urge to follow the popular and entertaining celebrities as that would feed celebrity gossip and I don't want to be know for my pop culture trivia. I want to be know for my heart for the Lord and my endurance through life to become more like Christ.

I have found hope from pastors I follow on Twitter - some "big names" and some very unknown. I am motivated and encouraged by the authors/writers/artists I follow as I sense their quest for authenticity and "realness" in our culture. I am learning from their work and from their words. I sense a bond with fellow Christians in the trenches of this temporary world as we share and re-tweet each others prayer requests and selected verses for the day. It's truly been such a positive social media experience that I wanted to share about it with you.

It might look different for you than it did for me, but what time-consuming activity are you engaging that has no redeeming value and takes you further away from Godly pursuits?

Psalm 34:11, NIV

2009-09-02T23:58:00.004-05:00

"Come, my children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD."

When I lived in Ireland, retreats were a priority for the entire staff. Since we were all working in full-time ministry, the need for rest, silence, encouragement, and spiritual nourishment were never ignored. Why do we forsake this need in our lives today?

Maybe I'm wrong and you are good at scheduling yourself frequent get-a-ways that are based around a spiritual retreat concept - but I have a feeling that you're not. I know this because it's an American mindset that we all either have to (a) work continuously to get where we want to be with what we want to have and stopping will only prolong the life we have to have, or (b) we have somehow earned or deserve the right to indulge ourselves with expensive vacations that are filled with activity and, ultimately, hardly relaxing.

This is so backwards, especially for Christians! I believe a spiritual retreat can be no more than a two-hour drive away to sit at a lake and read - or - a "fast" from technology and time of silence so you can hear God. You don't have to physically get away, but you do have to spiritually welcome what God might say - and ask Him to speak.

You might be surprised at the outcome.

I'm excited about my scheduled retreat in two weeks. I'm going to visit some family in Portland and use that time as a break from technology so my spirit can be at ease and clear to hear from the Lord. I feel like He's been speaking very specific things to my heart and it's important to me that I don't pursue them until I can sit in the lap of my Father for a couple days and seek His voice for further confirmation.

Plan a "retreat" for you and God. Let me know what happens.

Snooze Button

2009-09-01T15:33:00.005-05:00

As some of you may know, I like to give myself personal challenges. The challenges are random and often nonsensical, often not lasting any longer than a month or 40 days (during Lent). If you're wondering why I do this, the truth is simply that I like trying new things, having temporary sacrifices of things I like, and I get bored. Sadly, not all my "challenges" are spiritual fasts... like I said, I just get bored.

Most recently, I challenged myself to be a vegetarian for the month of August. I gave up all meat, fish, and poultry for 31 days. It was difficult but I did benefit from the education I had to acquire in order to maintain a reasonably healthy meat-free lifestyle. I believe that with more work (and money, haha) I would be able to continue a meat-free existence. But not now. Bring on the bacon! :-)

When contemplating what challenge I should experiment for September (yes, apparently I'm bored again), one of my friends said that she once gave up the snooze button.

I wonder if you have the same puzzled look on your face right now that I did when she said this.

I asked her, "why would you give up the snooze button? How could you benefit from eliminating your secondary alarm?!"

Because she is a very wise young woman, she responded with something along the lines of: "I realized that if I need to wake up at six, I should be waking up at six instead of setting my alarm for 5:30 and hitting the snooze button for 30 minutes. In reality, I can discipline myself to wake up on time - the first time my alarm goes off. Besides that, what other areas in my life am I hitting the proverbial 'snooze button?' I don't want to become lazy."

Her words hit home.

I realized that, in many ways, I'm a "spiritual snoozer." I procrastinate my tithing, my good intentions of service, prayer, and of proving myself as a workman for the Lord. I do this almost daily. Isn't it time that I challenge myself to give up the snooze?

Hebrews 6:12 says: "We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised."

So my September challenge is to begin quitting my nightly habit of falling asleep watching television and also my morning habit of waking up to the television. This will get me on my way to hearing my alarm the first time and not waiting around for my second and third alarms to go off. Let's be efficient in our habits and eager to serve the Lord each day!

Slow month? Not exactly!

2009-08-31T23:28:00.002-05:00

Glancing at my blog for the month of August I feel like it was a slow month as far as the number of my posts. But in reality, it was far from a slow month! Spiritually, August had its ups and downs. But overall, I feel like the reason I blogged so little was because I was learning so much. I couldn't narrow down my thoughts to one comprehensible post!!

I've been thoroughly enjoying "The Hole in our Gospel" and wish I could copy and paste everything I read.

Honestly, I'm still trying to find out what this blog means to me and what I'm supposed to do with it. Sometimes I get insecure about it. It's "authentic," yes. But I'm now subscribed to 19 blogs and follow 98 people on Twitter, most of whom are excellent Christian writers, speakers, artists, and authors. Its intimidating because I sometimes envy the ease with which it seems other people can write and communicate so effectively what they want to.

Anyway, my own insecurities won't keep me from growing spiritually. :-) I just have the desire to develop my writing and see what happens. I may not become a published author but I want to do my best to tell others about the Good News I know that changes my life each day.

Borrowed: "A Golden Opportunity"

2009-08-28T13:36:00.004-05:00

The following is from a blog I stumbled upon this week (have I mentioned how much I love Twitter and that resources it has given me?) that is incredibly profound, relevant, and well-written. The post can be found here http://bit.ly/VrQDV but I also pasted it below for you:

It all happened so quickly. I certainly didn't see it coming. I was knocked off my feet and hit the pavement, all in the matter of a few seconds. We walk our dogs just about every morning. It was a beautiful day. I had put our Golden Retriever, Precious, on her leash and we headed down toward the end of the driveway to wait for my husband, Steve, and Joe, our Chesepeake Bay Retriever. Joe came charging around the house. He ran at full speed to greet us. Unfortunately, he ran right into Precious' leash and I was catapulted onto the rough cement of the driveway. Thoroughly stunned, I slowly stood to my feet and grabbed my right elbow. Instinctively, I had broken the impact of the fall by putting my hands out in front of me. Even so, my right elbow had managed to take a pretty hard hit.

My husband was afraid I may have broken my elbow, which by now was swelling and bleeding from some minor abrasions. I stumbled into the house to get an ice pack from the freezer. Although it hurt, I was still able to move my arm; so with ice pack in hand, I told my husband to go ahead without me. I was surprised to hear the door open just a few minutes later. Steve told me that he had tried to walk the dogs, but that Precious would only walk a few feet before she'd stop, and turn around to look back toward the house. After trying to coax her forward a few times to no avail, he brought both dogs back home.

I imagine that's one reason they're called, 'man's best friend.' How sweet to think that my puppy was so concerned about me that she was no longer interested in taking a long-awaited walk. It certainly gave me food for thought. How often have I listened to the prayer request of a troubled friend, brought the petition before the Lord once, and then forgotten all about my friend's need? Am I really concerned about what burdens my friend? Or am I more focused on my needs? It's so much easier to rejoice with friends who are rejoicing, than to fulfill the second half of Romans 12:15, to "weep with them that weep." (KJV)

The Bible is replete with countless examples of Christ's prayer life. Since He was so often surrounded by people, He made it a practice to get away by Himself to spend time with His Father in prayer. Matthew 14:23 reveals, "And when he had sent the multitudes away, he went up into a mountain apart to pray: and when the evening was come, he was there alone." (KJV) The book of Mark puts it this way, "And when he had sent them away, he departed into a mountain to pray." (Mark 6:46, KJV) He was so burdened for mankind, that the book of Luke says, "And it came to pass in those days, that he went out into a mountin to pray, and continued all night in prayer to God." (Luke 6:12, KJV) What a passion for people! What a model for us to follow. I'm reminded today of the power of prayer and the Almighty God who answers it. Will you be faithful to intercede on the behalf of others until God answers? Be sure to stop and praise Him when He does!

John 17:24-26, New International Version

2009-08-26T13:33:00.001-05:00

"Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them."

“Garden” by NeedToBreathe

Won’t you take this cup from me
‘Cause fear has stolen all my sleep
If tomorrow means my death
I pray you’ll save their souls with it

Let the songs I sing
Bring joy to you
Let the words I say profess my love
Let the notes I choose
Be your favorite tune
Father let my heart be after you

In this hour of doubt I see
But who I am is not just me
So give me strength to die myself
So love can live to tell the tale

Let the songs I sing
Bring joy to you
Let the words I say profess my love
Let the notes I choose
Be your favorite tune
Father let my heart be after you

Father let my heart be…
For you

Let the songs I sing
Bring joy to you
Let the words I say profess my love
Let the notes I choose
Be your favorite tune
Father let my heart be after you

Psalm 119:161-168, The Message

2009-08-25T11:54:00.003-05:00

I've been slandered unmercifully by the politicians,

but my awe at your words keeps me stable.

I'm ecstatic over what you say,

like one who strikes it rich.

I hate lies—can't stand them!—

but I love what you have revealed.

Seven times each day I stop and shout praises

for the way you keep everything running right.

For those who love what you reveal, everything fits—

no stumbling around in the dark for them.

I wait expectantly for your salvation;

God, I do what you tell me.

My soul guards and keeps all your instructions—

oh, how much I love them!

I follow your directions, abide by your counsel;

my life's an open book before you.

School has started again for many friends of mine who are either students or teachers. I miss school on a regular basis. I like the semester/winter/semester/summer schedule and I've never gotten tired of learning new things. Now I know why people choose to continue their education through masters degrees, certifications, and doctorates. Sometimes I find a restlessness of sitting in the same place doing the same thing day after day with no end in sight to motivate me.

But, then again, I've always been a self-motivator and it's not like me to wait for something or someone else to put a fire under my feet so that I can get things done. I can do a lot when I put my mind to it. Granted, this "quality" about me can also be my fall. I struggle with pride and independence. Both can be used for good, but my struggle is when I become so self-reliant that I'm not receptive to God's voice or the counsel of my friends or family.

That's why these verses stuck out to me today. I want to relish the Words of God and sing His praises all day. I know first-hand that when I actively participate in the scriptures and love hearing the wisdom of the Lord in the pages of the bible, "everything fits" and makes sense. No more floundering around like a college student without a major, no more second-guessing, say goodbye to my shaky foundation of self-reliance -- God is my stability and I wait expectantly for His words.

True Love by Phil Wickham

2009-08-24T10:06:00.004-05:00

Come close listen to the story
About a love more faithful than the morning
The Father gave His only Son just to save us

The earth was shaking in the dark
All creation felt the Fathers Broken Heart
Tears were filling Heaven's Eyes
The day that True Love died, the day that True Love died
When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that True Love died,
The day that True Love died

Search your heart you know you can't deny it
Come on, lose your life just so you can find it
The Father gave His only Son just to save us

The Earth was shaking in the dark
All creation felt The Fathers broken heart
Tears were filling Heaven's Eyes
The day that True Love died,
The day that True Love died
When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that True Love died,
The day that True Love died

Now, Jesus is alive

Jesus is alive!
Jesus is alive!
Jesus is alive!
Jesus is alive!
Oh, He is alive -
He rose again!

When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that True Love died,
The day that True Love died

Come close listen to the story...

Jonah 2:8, NIV

2009-08-23T23:37:00.002-05:00

Those who cling to worthless idols
forfeit the grace that could be theirs.

Today I thoroughly enjoyed reading another two chapters in The Hole in our Gospel. Richard Sterns' thoughts on what God expects of us have been convicting and relevant. Too often I find that I am guilty, just like Jonah (in the above verse), of clinging desperately to my worthless "idols" and missing out on the grace that allows me to live freely and have things of immeasurable worth.

I'm still trying to discover and admit what my idols are - I'm very good at being unaware of my flaws.

My mind tries to tell me that clinging to these idols is security - it's safe. But if you look at the story of Jonah, you see he tried to convince himself of the same thing but only found safety in the times when he was obeying God. "God can't give you the blessings He has for you until you first put down the others things you are clutching your hands."

And no excuses about "I don't have the time or resources to adequately serve God," or "I'm not spiritual enough." 2 Corinthians 12:9 - ...for My power is made perfect in weakness...

God doesn't call the equipped -He equips the called.

Closing thoughts from the chapters I read today: "Mother Teresa once said, "I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world." She had it right. We're not authors, any of us. We are just the pencils. Once we understand that, we might actually become useful to God.

A "Regular"

2009-08-23T09:56:00.002-05:00

Have you ever walked into a shop or restaurant where the owner and/or employees gave you such a nice and genuine welcome that you were glad you chose to go there?

Do people feel like that when they go to your church? What about your small group?

Psalm 94:18-19, NIV

2009-08-23T09:44:00.002-05:00

When I said, "My foot is slipping,"
your love, O LORD, supported me.

When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought joy to my soul.

I allow anxiety to permeate my life in several ways last week. As evidence by my lack of blogging (and thus, lack of spending time with the Lord), I clearly didn't seek the correct way of handling my anxiousness. The consolation that scripture gives does bring joy to my soul and I know the truth that says "be anxious about nothing but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Yet, even with this head and heart knowledge, something stubborn (or forgetful?) inside my spirit still chooses to fret and worry before ever remembering to sit and pray about it first.

Like a habit that is impossible to break, my "self" still defaults to this way of handling stress. Can there ever be relief from this cycle? I am often convinced that it's all part of our human condition on earth and that it won't get better until we're no longer foreigners, until we get Home to heaven. At the same time, I can't make excuses. I can work at this and force my worldly and selfish habits to not be my initial response. This is impossible for me, but not for God, He can work it out in my life if He sees fit and I'm pretty sure He would encourage me to seek Him first.

So I'm going to work at it, pray about it, and start responded to stress by telling God about it and looking in the Word for the answers.

Saturday Mornings

2009-08-22T09:23:00.004-05:00

It's a Saturday morning and I feel very blessed to be at home alone with buttermilk waffles, fresh strawberries, and coffee. On the rare and random mornings when I find myself home, I typically turn on the television and, if I'm lucky, I get to watch a re-run of I Love Lucy. If watching the mishaps of the Ricardos isn't an option, I waste my time watching infomercials for products like the Windshield Wonder. However, this morning I realized that I have a wonderful DVD collection of my favorite movies and yet I never take the time to sit down and watch them! Therefore, this morning's selection was a comedic fantasy that has been on my top 10 list for years - Big Fish.

"They say when you meet the love of your life, time stops, and that's true. What they don't tell you is that when it starts again, it moves extra fast to catch up."

This morning's realization (remembering to take the time to watch a favorite DVD again) got me thinking. Just like the DVDs I love and have collected, but rarely watch, how many things in my spiritual life are also collecting dust on a shelf - other "forgotten favorites?" Some of my favorite things to do with the Lord I don't schedule or prioritize. They're collecting dust of the shelf of my heart. Things like more consistent time in the word, creative worship, spiritual retreats, and full-time ministry. I'm not sure why I do this. These are the things that remind me of the Lord, His love, and excite me about sharing Him with others.

I'm inspired today to take the one to two hours to dust off a favorite "God time" hobby. A forgotten favorite can again be remembered again as we spend time with our timeless God.

The Son

2009-08-19T15:02:00.003-05:00

"I believe in Christianity as I believe in the sun- not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else." - C.S. Lewis

I depend on its consistency
to get me through each day.
When its hidden by a cloud,
My spirit starts to feel gray.

A light that can't compare
its too magnificent to stare.
It exposing my inner weakness,
I fight my pride like a dare.

The SON is of whom I speak
the very Name makes me weak!
Do you know of the knowledge found in Him?
Do you know it's Him you need to seek?

Matthew 3:11-13, New International Version

2009-08-18T09:05:00.002-05:00

Every day this week I've been looking forward to the daily post on John Piper's Desiring God blog. Today's was especially thought-provoking as it quoted one of my favorite authors, C.S. Lewis, and spoke on a topic I struggle daily with - humility. Please click here to read.

One phrase in particular stood out to me. Describing the work of Jonathan Edwards, John Piper stated that Edwards was trying to discern "what was wheat and what was chaff in the emotions of the Great Awakening in New England." It made me think about my own life and emotions and how I sometimes build up chaff (leftovers of seeds left on the threshing floor; something comparatively worthless) instead of wheat (the harvested grain that has worth). I want to be the wheat! But, as a human, the chaff will always be gathering up in my life. My goal this week will be to recognize that when it happens and do my best to harvest more wheat than chaff.

"I baptize you with water for repentance. But after me will come one who is more powerful than I, whose sandals I am not fit to carry. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire. His winnowing fork is in his hand, and he will clear his threshing floor, gathering his wheat into the barn and burning up the chaff with unquenchable fire."

Twitter-related update

2009-08-14T23:58:00.003-05:00

I thought it was interesting tonight to learn that another well-known Christian speaker who previously had "playfully slammed" Twitter joined today. Fun and sarcastic clip here:
Louie Giglio joins the ranks today on Twitter

'tis so Tweet to trust in Jesus?

2009-08-14T00:41:00.009-05:00

My Dad brought up a good thought Wendesday night during my baby-boomer-crash-course-on-Twitter when he said something along the lines of “what do you think God wants us to do with social media?” I’m willing to guess that many Christians are forgetting to include God on this part of their lives. Personally, I only recently started pursuing how to use all the new mediums available out there effectively and for God’s glory.

And the result is that my eyes have been opened to the advantages of social media for spiritual growth. I am now subscribed to the blogs of John Piper, Donald Miller, and Josh Harris to receive their thoughts on relevant issues (and for some good clean entertainment). I also receive weekly prayer/news e-mail updates from TearFund, 24-7 Prayer, and World Vision. On my Facebook profile, I am a “fan” of several Christian musicians; BlueTree, Chris Tomlin, Shane & Shane, Jeff Johnson, and Jared Wood. The newest addition, Twitter, is providing me with real-time updates (both ministry-related and random) on Kiva, World Vision, Shane Claiborne, Derek Webb, Rob Bell, The Mentoring Project, Matt Chandler, and more.

So what can I do with this? Well, in just a week, I have found four new book referrals that I didn’t see before, I got to feel as though I was there for parts of The Leadership Summit 2009 (#tls09), I’ve learned about new organizations and, perhaps, potential opportunities for future support/involvement. In addition, I feel as though there is now one more way for me to speak the name of Christ and share what God is teaching me (authentically, of course) with the world.

Now, there can be some controversy to tweeting during a church service. For instance, here are the reactions I received on Facebook in four hours (some serious, some sarcastic):

Josh Harris blogged about it, then John Piper jumped onboard… did I mention TIME Magazine too? I’ve come to the conclusion that, yes, God can use anything for His glory – even Twitter. And yes, it might be a distraction if you see your neighbor send a quick tweet in the middle of a sermon, but isn’t our world already full of the distractions of car alarms, sound equipment squeaking, vibrating cell phones, crying children, and old men who sniff too loudly? Not long from now, Twitter will be “old news” and some other media source will be all the rage. So, not to be too harsh, I think we need to suck it up and take a nice splash of reality on the topic. This is how our country (and the world) is communicating now. Shouldn’t we join in and use it to speak of the Lord? I certainly hope that I will and that most of my tweets will focus on God and not mindless updates on indigestion, dirty diapers, or the scores of the game. :-)

“But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice.” Philippians 1:18, NIV

1 Corinthians 10:13-14, The Message

2009-08-14T00:01:00.006-05:00

No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; He'll never let you be pushed past your limit; He'll always be there to help you come through it. So, my very dear friends, when you see people reducing God to something they can use or control, get out of their company as fast as you can.

Being weather dependent, farmers can't control hail or drought or flood, so they manage risk with insurance and listening to forecasts. Unfortunately, there are times when there is nothing a farmer can do but sit and wait out the storm, surrendering control the forces of nature. For instance, the hailstorm that tore through corn and soybean fields in Iowa on Sunday morning caused damage that is expected to be in the millions. The majority of farmers carry some form of hail or storm damage insurance, but a storm like the one Sunday means a year without profit and thus without extra capital for expansion or improvements. This is, ultimately, the definition of helplessness for a farmer.

I was praying for my relatives in Iowa today – their crops were destroyed in the storm – and began to think about this helplessness that must be inevitable during this time. I hope those Iowa farmers have more wits than I do because the devastation of losing everything I’d worked on (purchasing, planting, tending, etc) would cripple me.

What situations strip control from you and create panic? Is it financial stress or a reprimand at work? It be a car accident or family emergency that catches you off guard. Whatever the event or emotion, no one likes their control being taken away from them.

I think we do this with God. God is beyond our control and yet we insist on controlling even Him at times. We don’t pray big prayers because we want specific answers that don’t surprise us or because we underestimate what God is actually capable of. When God tries to move us out of our comfort zone, we deny the nudge and make excuses to keep things comfortable. Then, other times, we doubt that God is of any use and become self-reliant. When we become the people who “reduce God to something we can control” – we’re the very people that these verses say to avoid. I don’t know about you, but that’s not where I want the person I want to be.

We are blessed to have a God who is always with us, without fail. He doesn’t play the games with us that we attempt to play on Him, He doesn’t push us further than He’s willing to catch us and He doesn’t let us down. Do you know this God? He’s my God and my life exists because of Him.

John 14:13-14, The Message

2009-08-11T15:08:00.006-05:00

"From now on, whatever you request along the lines of who I am and what I am doing, I'll do it. That's how the Father will be seen for who he is in the Son. I mean it. Whatever you request in this way, I'll do."

Pray for big things. Pray confidently for big things. Don't be brazen and selfishly "name it and claim it" -- remember the reason that we're alive is to glorify God (not necessarily get a raise, new car, bigger house, perfect body, good health, etc.). But also, don't be timid, doubtful, or afraid to ask for anything.

If we followup each request we make to God with "if it's Your will" then aren't we just giving Him a way out or a hall pass in case He doesn't answer it? More importantly, doesn't that phrase reveal a lack of faith in us? What's wrong with praying the big prayers?

I think a critical difference is between praying for something "if it's God's will" and then praying for something "in accordance with God's will." Let me clarify. I can timidly ask God to give me a boyfriend "if it's His will" and then, when I find myself still single the next day, I can console myself with the fact that it must just not be God's will for me to be with someone. On the flip side, I can boldly ask God to bring a man into my life because I believe that, in accordance with His will for me to serve Him all my days, He doesn't desire for me to be alone and has a partner in mind for me. And, if I wake up the next day and find that I'm still single, I pray again.

Maybe that wasn't the best example. But anyway - make a list today of things that you desire in order to serve God better. Ask Him for them. Boldly and with faith. Keep an open heart and attentive spirit to how God might answer that prayer.

Luke 15:20-24, New Living Translation

2009-08-11T15:01:00.004-05:00

“So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him. His son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son.’

“But his father said to the servants, ‘Quick! Bring the finest robe in the house and put it on him. Get a ring for his finger and sandals for his feet. And kill the calf we have been fattening. We must celebrate with a feast, for this son of mine was dead and has now returned to life. He was lost, but now he is found.’ So the party began."

"When God Ran" by Shaded Red:

Almighty God, the great I Am

Immovable Rock, omnipotent, powerful, awesome lord

Victorious Warrior, commanding King of kings, mighty Conqueror

And the only time, the only time I ever saw Him run

Is when He ran to me, took me in His arms

Held my head to His chest, said "my son's come home again"

Looked at my face, wiped the tears from my eyes

With forgiveness in His voice He said "son, do you know I still love you"

It caught me by surprise, brought me to my knees

When God ran

The day I left home, I knew I had broken His heart

I wondered then if things could ever be the same

Then one night, I remembered His love for me

And down that dusty road ahead I could see

I saw Him run to me

It caught me by surprise

Brought me to my knees

When God ran

1 Peter 4:7-8, The Message

2009-08-10T11:37:00.002-05:00

Everything in the world is about to be wrapped up, so take nothing for granted. Stay wide-awake in prayer. Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything.

John Piper call prayer, “wartime communication”:
"Life is war. That's not all it is. But it is always that. Our weakness in prayer is owing largely to our neglect of this truth. Prayer is primarily a wartime walkie-talkie for the mission of the church as it advances against the powers of darkness and unbelief. It is not surprising that prayer malfunctions when we try to make it a domestic intercom to call upstairs for more comforts in the den. God has given us prayer as a wartime walkie-talkie so that we can call headquarters for everything we need as the kingdom of Christ advances in the world. . . Prayer is the communication with headquarters by which the weapons of warfare are deployed according to the will of God. That's the connection between the weapons and prayer in Ephesians 6. Prayer is for war."

Honestly, I have a hard time praying. I get distracted or I forget or I end up saying the same things. I enjoy the worship music on Sunday nights at church because I feel like it helps me pray as I sing the words. It helps me to focus for a few minutes and turn my thoughts to the Lord.

I think what is missing in my life is the realization of this urgency of prayer. If prayer is for war, I'm a pretty crummy soldier. I need to remember that prayer changes me and prayer is my active and effective weapon in an everyday battle. It's time to join in the ranks and pray for big things and praise my big God.

1 Peter 4:9-11, NIV

2009-08-10T11:33:00.003-05:00

Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.

*The following was said so perfectly by one of the pastors at my church, Gary Bradenburg, that I couldn't do anything but copy and paste it from his sermon notes which can be found here.*

The important thing is that gifts are for giving. It is not so important that we catergorize the gift but that we use it to bless others. It doesn’t matter how small the gift it is important to the Giver. I learned this one night when God showed up at the East Texas Symphony. I love the symphony…for about ten minutes. My favorite part is the beginning. The tuning, the conductor appears, the stillness, the uplifted baton, the anticipation, and when that baton descends the heavens open. All of those instruments playing their parts creating one magnificent sound. But on this particular night I did not hear the Lord in the whirlwind of the woodwinds, I did not see the Lord in the rumbling earthquake of the kettle drums, I saw him standing there in the back with this…(triangle). What do you call this person? The triangulator? The percussive triangulist? The man was focused on the score in front of him. While the violins were bowing and the oboes were blowing he simply waited, and waited, and waited. Finally, at just the right time he went…DING. I almost came out of my chair and shouted, “You’re the man!”

God doesn’t ask us to save the world. God doesn’t expect us to do it all. He just asks us to play our part, to just ding. Everything God created has a purpose. And every creation of God is equipped for that purpose. God wouldn’t put fish in the sea without gills or birds in the sky without wings. God wouldn’t put you where you are to reflect who He is without giving you the equipment to do it. You may not be 1st chair but you have a part, and when you play your part I’m sure the One who died for you wants to come up out of His chair and say, “You’re the man/woman.”

Busy is not always a bad disease!

2009-08-07T11:50:00.006-05:00

Sometimes I have so many ideas and dreams running through my head at once that I can't decipher which are merely passing thoughts, actually from the Lord, or just indigestion - hah! What I do know is that I have a terminal disease of being busy, but I don't want to be healed. I love being busy! Granted, I can get to the verge of breakdown and take a day or two for recuperation. But overall, I wish there were more hours in the day for me to do everything my mind comes up with!

Here is a glimpse of my mind and crazy train of thought today (keep in mind I'm trying to work during all of this): "I'm feeling a little bittersweet about the upcoming split of my weekly womens small group. But we survived and thrived after the split last year. I have to admit, it's going to be awesome to have three new groups come from one, God will do great things through the new leaders that are stepping up. And with so many women looking for Christian fellowship in Dallas, we need the room to grow! Speaking of growing- I've officially been back in America for two years! Have I grown during that time? It's crazy to think of all that happened in that one year in Belfast. Oh, Belfast. I wish I could go back. Maybe God wants me to work there again. Or maybe when I go to India I'll find an opportunity to get back into full time ministry. Then again, what is "full time ministry?" Aren't I doing that already? Certainly feels like it sometimes. But I miss the availability of being able to bless others by taking them out to lunch or breakfast or coffee during their day without the concern of my job getting in the way. Like the Leadership Summit 2009, I'd love to be there. Heck, I'd love to plan an event like this to equip and encourage church leaders. Oh, speaking of things to plan, I want to do a mission trip or project soon with girls from church. Maybe plan an inner city prayer tour of Dallas or serve dinner at the Union Gospel Mission. Or perhaps it'd be beneficial to sponsor a child together through World Vision. I like reading the book written by the World Vision president, it's so convicting and I agree with so much of his thoughts and perspectives...maybe I should write a book... I want to start a book club... but I also like movies, I should make a movie..."

Ahh! See, it's a crazy train in my head! And I only had one cup of coffee today!

* Relax * Remember, God speaks in a whisper and uses tiny seeds to move mountains. I found peace in these words from Psalm 116:7-8 (The Message) today:

I said to myself, "Relax and rest.

God has showered you with blessings.

Soul, you've been rescued from death;

Eye, you've been rescued from tears;

And you, Foot, were kept from stumbling."

Luke 15:8-10, The Message

2009-08-06T23:41:00.003-05:00

"Or imagine a woman who has ten coins and loses one. Won't she light a lamp and scour the house, looking in every nook and cranny until she finds it? And when she finds it you can be sure she'll call her friends and neighbors: 'Celebrate with me! I found my lost coin!' Count on it—that's the kind of party God's angels throw every time one lost soul turns to God."

Isn't it phenomenal that we have a God who seeks us even more diligently than this woman searching for her coin?

You won't relent
Until You have it all
My heart is Yours

I'll set You as a seal upon my heart
As a seal upon my arm
For there is love that is as strong as death
Jealousy demanding as the grave
And many waters cannot quench this love

Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart
Come be the fire inside of me

Life's Noise

2009-08-06T12:13:00.007-05:00

I drove to work this morning with no radio or music on (I usually listen to the Kidd Kraddick in the Morning show) or cell phone use (sometimes I talk to Mom for the whole drive). I had seen two of my friends' tweets yesterday on Twitter about how they had driven with no radio or music and enjoyed the silence. Hah - "silence?" Yeah that wasn't my experience.

You see, without my radio turned up loud I was far more aware of the cars honking, people yelling on the street, and construction noise. Honestly, for the entire 28 minute drive it all grated on my nerves like a dripping sink. It was maddening! Why do people say that silence is golden?

I felt like it was a lose-lose situation. My radio normally prevents me from experiencing silence, but when I try, true silence can't be obtained. This is our dilemma - we expect silence to mean that there will be no noise, we want the extreme with no distractions. Don't we expect the same from God? We want to see God. We want to hear Him. But God doesn't always show up the way we expect.

Read this story and then rethink about what you ask and expect of God. Are you looking for Him in the right places? Are we looking for silence in the right places?

1 Kings 19:11-13:

The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"

He wasn't in the fire

He wasn't in the quake

He wasn't in the wind

He's in a whisper

Ecclesiates 3:8, New International Version

2009-08-04T22:53:00.010-05:00

A time to love and a time to hate.A time for war and a time for peace.

War or Peace? Having lived 90% of my life in Texas, where friendly people tote around guns and wave confederate flags (don’t take offense, that was sarcasm), I've naturally adapted to a local viewpoint on guns and war. This "local viewpoint" is simply that guns are okay to have, just be careful, and the United States being in war is patriotic and something to be proud about. *Remember, this is just my perspective, I feel like it might ruffle a few feathers so I want to clarify that it's not a blanket statement of what all Texans believe.*

In my travels to other states and countries I've been surprised by how many times I've been questioned on my views of guns, war, and the death penalty once people discovered that I was from Texas. I never felt like I had an answer completely my own, it also seemed like I repeated things I'd heard from someone else. When I recently read The Irresistible Revolution, I was challenged to finally affirm my thoughts and beliefs on these topics.

Because I claim Christ as my God, I declare that I believe the Bible to be Truth, God's infallible word. The stories and history of our world that are recorded in the Bible are full of war, murder, bloodshed, and death. No matter what you believe, we can't escape the fate given to all humans - pain and death. But in the midst of living out our time on earth - should I participate in active pursuits of death and pain? I don't think I should.

The argument I have isn't solid, it is in progress. Sometimes I feel like verses I pick and choose can contradict each other if I don't properly research the context and history. For me personally, I choose to look at "Do not murder" from Exodus 20:13 and especially Matthew 5:38-48 where Jesus commands us to "turn the other cheek" and "love your enemies." Ultimately, my decision on the matters of war, guns, and the death penalty is that, as a Christian (which trumps my citizenship), I am called to Love. Love God, Love others. I can't own a weapon that causes harm. I can't support the government deciding what crimes warrant death and using power to take life away. I want to take steps to see war cease and more "battles" be fought through discussion and documents - not by sending citizens to kill other citizens.

Maybe I'm being naive. You can argue that God is a "warrior" and so we should be too. In fact, the bible states in Exodus 15:3 "The LORD is a man of war: the LORD is his name." But what about Romans 15:33 that says "Now the God of peace be with you all."?

Let's ask a simple question -- is it not reasonable to say that God can be both a "warrior" and a God of peace, as the circumstances require? In that same way, I might find that in some time in my life, or any one else's life, there will be a need to be a soldier during war, and a Customer Relations Writer during times of peace.

All in all, what I'm trying to communicate is that I think this is an ongoing struggle and development of my beliefs. I trust that while I might go back and forth between sides of this argument, I take comfort that God is allowed to react to what we do as He sees fit and He is never contradicted -- those verses describe Him as being of war and peace but not at the same time or while performing the same action.

Ecclesiastes 3:17 “I thought in my heart, "God will bring to judgment both the righteous and the wicked, for there will be a time for every activity, a time for every deed.”

Proverbs 22:6, The Message

2009-07-31T16:41:00.006-05:00

"Point your kids in the right direction—when they're old they won't be lost."

If you're like me, then as you age, mature, and reflect on your life you realize how much your parents did for you that you were never aware of before. You realize the sacrifices they made of their own time and needs in order to accommodate your own. The reality of the amount of prayer and decisions (and probably arguments and heartache too) they put into your life becomes a flooring revelation. I wonder if I will ever reach the point in my life where I feel like I fully grasp everything my parents did for me as a baby, as a child, as a teen, and continually as an adult too. Probably not.

In the same way - how much more can I look back at the path my life has taken and see all that God has done for me?

Psalm 139:13: For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

He created us from the inmost, He's provided for us with the physical things and guided us to life everlasting through spiritual places. I'm in awe.

I know that my awareness and appreciation of my parents is encouraging to them and I'm sure that they are thrilled to know that their love and faithfulness has always revealed more to me about God than they realize.

Philippians 1:9-11, New International Version

2009-07-24T10:01:00.002-05:00

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.

I was moved deeply by several things that were shared at small group last night. As you know from earlier posts this week, we had a discussion on the Trinity. At the end of the night, when asked why it's important to understand more of Who God is, one of the girls (Ali) said something so beautiful and profound... it made me cry because it was so true and just what my heart was feeling but I couldn't express it in words.

Ali said that it's important to know more about God and His three persons because it helps us love Him more. It's like when you're in a relationship - you "like" this person and want to know more about him/her. As you do in any good relationship, the more you learn about your significant other, the more you begin to love him/her more. Now imagine that you know this person inside and out - you're in love - and then you meet his/her family and, wow, your heart swells with even more love than you thought! As you hear stories from their childhood, meet their family, look at old photos, watch home videos - you're discovering more and more about this person and finding new things to love and even reaching a deeper level of understanding than you thought existed.

I'm not saying that your significant other should be like a god - please don't misunderstand me - I just think that this is a beautiful description of what it's like when you search for more of God. You find more about God to love! You thought you knew Him, but then you learn something new and you fall in love all over again.

And, just like these verses Paul wrote in Philippians - this is my prayer for you today. That you may depth of knowledge and insight about the Lord would increase and your love for Him would abound. And that this process would continue in your life, to God's glory, until we're at Home with Him forever!

Fix You

2009-07-23T23:22:00.003-05:00

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream, down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I...

Tears stream, down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

I feel like this song is singing about something spiritual. So many Coldplay songs sound like they are written by someone who is searching for something... I find them moving, emotional, and relevant. This one especially because it reminds me of my feelings when I lived in Belfast and had to leave the people there when my year with Youth for Christ was over. I wanted to help fix them, I wanted to be a part of the revival. But obviously the Lord is the One to do that, not me. I hope that my faith that God will finish what He's begun will be true with Northern Ireland.