ants

There was a trail of ants in my house this week. They were headed from the kitchen door to my bottle of maple syrup. Don't worry, I quickly took care of the problem and the ants were gone just as quickly as they had appeared. But I thought about it today and realized how curious it is that these determined little ants didn't stop and cry for a day or two at the wall of white poison that I had placed in their path. The powder was obviously piled in their way and they couldn't get to where they wanted to go, and yet those little ants just disappeared. I suppose they've moved on to bigger and better things besides my little bottle of syrup.

Why can't I change my course so easily? When a proverbial door in my life is closed, I like to sit and moan about it for a little bit...or a lot. I like complain about the someone who would do such a thing to thwart my plans and throw me off course. Sometimes I use it as an excuse to stop moving and take a break.  Sometimes I use it as an excuse to stop pursuing God the way I should. Hmmm...perhaps I should be more like the ants and not become idle but rather keep moving, trusting that the poison was a sign that something better is waiting for me next.

Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
   don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
   he's the one who will keep you on track.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (The Message)

I Blame Belle

I was on a quick trip to Boise this week (I was only gone 30 hours!) and loved being out of Texas for even that short amount of time.  And when I got home last night, it wasn't with relief or comfort: I was sad.  I can only describe it as being homesick.  Homesick for what, I don't know.  What do you do when your "home" doesn't feel like home anymore?  I'm certainly not the only one to ever feel this way and yet I'm amazed at how quickly this has become a feeling that I'm living with.  It's as though there was suddenly an invisible shift and now I don't feel like Dallas is where I should be at all.  I'm homesick, but where is home?

I'd really like to blame someone for this.  After all, I didn't ask for this frustration and find it terribly inconvenient (not to mention that I worry about upsetting my family and friends here when all I talk about is leaving).  So, after much thought, I've decided that I blame Belle.  You know Belle, she's also known as "Beauty" from Disney's Beauty and the Beast.  It's her fault, I'm certain of it.

Belle dreamt of being understood and craved adventure away from what had become a "provincial life."  As a child, I loved Belle's story because of her spunk and the wonderful events that occurred in her life after she stumbled upon the run-down palace and met the tormented Beast.  But as an adult (yes, I still watch the movie!), I see Belle as someone who wanted something more than what her community expected.  And I've never related to her as much as I do now.

"I want adventure in the great wide somewhere, I want it more than I can tell. And for once it might be grand to have someone understand I want so much more than they've got planned."

I realized that Belle was at fault for my feelings of displacement in Dallas after my good friend, Kalie Lowrie (please visit her lovely "kindred spirit" blog here), took me to see the Broadway show of Beauty and the Beast when it was in Dallas this July.  In the show, Belle is trapped in the cursed castle and sang a beautiful song that didn't just strike a chord with me, it practically broke the chord as my heart echoed each word:

Is this home? Is this where I should learn to be happy?
Never dreamed that a home could be dark and cold
I was told ev'ry day in my childhood:
Even when you grow old, home should be where the heart is
Never where words so true!
My heart's far, far away...home is too

Is this home, Is this what I must learn to believe in?
Try to find something good in this tragic place
Just in case I should stay here forever
Held in this empty place
Oh, that won't be easy, I know the reason why
My heart's far, far away...home's alike

What I'd give to return
To the life that I knew lately
But I know now I can't
All my problems going by

Is this home? Am I here for a day or forever?
Shut away from the world until who knows when
Oh, but then as my life has been altered once, it can change again
Build higher walls around me, change ev'ry lock and key
Nothing lasts, nothing holds...all of me

My heart's far, far away...Home and free


While I continue sorting out where "home" is for me on this earth, in this life, I don't want to forget that the only real reason I feel displaced is because my true home is with God in heaven.  I wasn't meant for this world and won't ever really find myself in this world.  So, until that blessed day comes, when I no longer will comprehend what it means to be discontent or misunderstood, I'm not going to hold on to anything.  My hands are open wide and lifted up with all I have in this world on them: God is in total control of my destiny.  I pray that my hands never close to fists and that my heart will only find contentment in seek God's path for me...until I'm finally home.

“Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me. There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am. And you know the way to where I am going.” - John 14:1-4