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Wednesday, September 15, 2010

ants

There was a trail of ants in my house this week. They were headed from the kitchen door to my bottle of maple syrup. Don't worry, I quickly took care of the problem and the ants were gone just as quickly as they had appeared. But I thought about it today and realized how curious it is that these determined little ants didn't stop and cry for a day or two at the wall of white poison that I had placed in their path. The powder was obviously piled in their way and they couldn't get to where they wanted to go, and yet those little ants just disappeared. I suppose they've moved on to bigger and better things besides my little bottle of syrup.

Why can't I change my course so easily? When a proverbial door in my life is closed, I like to sit and moan about it for a little bit...or a lot. I like complain about the someone who would do such a thing to thwart my plans and throw me off course. Sometimes I use it as an excuse to stop moving and take a break.  Sometimes I use it as an excuse to stop pursuing God the way I should. Hmmm...perhaps I should be more like the ants and not become idle but rather keep moving, trusting that the poison was a sign that something better is waiting for me next.

Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
   don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
   he's the one who will keep you on track.
Proverbs 3:5-6 (The Message)

Friday, September 3, 2010

I Blame Belle

I was on a quick trip to Boise this week (I was only gone 30 hours!) and loved being out of Texas for even that short amount of time.  And when I got home last night, it wasn't with relief or comfort: I was sad.  I can only describe it as being homesick.  Homesick for what, I don't know.  What do you do when your "home" doesn't feel like home anymore?  I'm certainly not the only one to ever feel this way and yet I'm amazed at how quickly this has become a feeling that I'm living with.  It's as though there was suddenly an invisible shift and now I don't feel like Dallas is where I should be at all.  I'm homesick, but where is home?

I'd really like to blame someone for this.  After all, I didn't ask for this frustration and find it terribly inconvenient (not to mention that I worry about upsetting my family and friends here when all I talk about is leaving).  So, after much thought, I've decided that I blame Belle.  You know Belle, she's also known as "Beauty" from Disney's Beauty and the Beast.  It's her fault, I'm certain of it.

Belle dreamt of being understood and craved adventure away from what had become a "provincial life."  As a child, I loved Belle's story because of her spunk and the wonderful events that occurred in her life after she stumbled upon the run-down palace and met the tormented Beast.  But as an adult (yes, I still watch the movie!), I see Belle as someone who wanted something more than what her community expected.  And I've never related to her as much as I do now.

"I want adventure in the great wide somewhere, I want it more than I can tell. And for once it might be grand to have someone understand I want so much more than they've got planned."

I realized that Belle was at fault for my feelings of displacement in Dallas after my good friend, Kalie Lowrie (please visit her lovely "kindred spirit" blog here), took me to see the Broadway show of Beauty and the Beast when it was in Dallas this July.  In the show, Belle is trapped in the cursed castle and sang a beautiful song that didn't just strike a chord with me, it practically broke the chord as my heart echoed each word:

Is this home? Is this where I should learn to be happy?
Never dreamed that a home could be dark and cold
I was told ev'ry day in my childhood:
Even when you grow old, home should be where the heart is
Never where words so true!
My heart's far, far away...home is too

Is this home, Is this what I must learn to believe in?
Try to find something good in this tragic place
Just in case I should stay here forever
Held in this empty place
Oh, that won't be easy, I know the reason why
My heart's far, far away...home's alike

What I'd give to return
To the life that I knew lately
But I know now I can't
All my problems going by

Is this home? Am I here for a day or forever?
Shut away from the world until who knows when
Oh, but then as my life has been altered once, it can change again
Build higher walls around me, change ev'ry lock and key
Nothing lasts, nothing holds...all of me

My heart's far, far away...Home and free


While I continue sorting out where "home" is for me on this earth, in this life, I don't want to forget that the only real reason I feel displaced is because my true home is with God in heaven.  I wasn't meant for this world and won't ever really find myself in this world.  So, until that blessed day comes, when I no longer will comprehend what it means to be discontent or misunderstood, I'm not going to hold on to anything.  My hands are open wide and lifted up with all I have in this world on them: God is in total control of my destiny.  I pray that my hands never close to fists and that my heart will only find contentment in seek God's path for me...until I'm finally home.

“Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me. There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am. And you know the way to where I am going.” - John 14:1-4

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Quotes on a Tuesday

“If I don't write to empty my mind, I go mad.” 
- Lord Byron

"We should write because it is human nature to write. Writing claims our world. It makes it directly and specifically our own. We should write because humans are spiritual beings and writing is a powerful form of prayer and meditation, connecting us both to our own insights and to a higher and deeper level of inner guidance. We should write because writing brings clarity and passion to the act of living. Writing is sensual, experiential, grounding. We should write because writing is good for the soul. We should write because writing yields us a body of work, a felt path through the world we live in. We should write, above all, because we are writers, whether we call ourselves that or not." 
- Julia Cameron  

"Writing isn't about making money, getting famous, getting dates, getting laid, or making friends. In the end, it's about enriching the lives of those who will read your work, and enriching your own life, as well. It's about getting up, getting well, and getting over. Getting happy, okay? Getting happy." 
- Stephen King

"Clutter and mess show us that life is being lived...Tidiness makes me think of held breath, of suspended animation... Perfectionism is a mean, frozen form of idealism, while messes are the artist's true friend. What people somehow forgot to mention when we were children was that we need to make messes in order to find out who we are and why we are here."
  - Anne Lamott

 "Write what disturbs you, what you fear, what you have not been willing to speak about. Be willing to be split open."
  - Natalie Goldberg

Monday, August 23, 2010

A Stolen Apology

At the beginning of Pilgram's Pride, author John Bunyan has a beautifully written "Author's Apology" that I wish to steal and share with you today. I'd love it if you found the two lines that stand out to you the most and submit a comment with them so I can know what you enjoyed or related to the most.

WHEN at the first I took my pen in hand
Thus for to write, I did not understand

That I at all should make a little book
In such a mode: nay, I had undertook

To make another; which, when almost done,
Before I was aware I this begun.

And thus it was: I, writing of the way
And race of saints in this our gospel-day,

Fell suddenly into an allegory
About their journey, and the way to glory,

In more than twenty things which I set down
This done, I twenty more had in my crown,

And they again began to multiply,
Like sparks that from the coals of fire do fly.

Nay, then, thought I, if that you breed so fast,
I'll put you by yourselves, lest you at last

Should prove ad infinitum, I and eat out
The book that I already am about.

Well, so I did; but yet I did not think
To show to all the world my pen and ink

In such a mode; I only thought to make
I knew not what: nor did I undertake

Thereby to please my neighbor; no, not I;
I did it my own self to gratify.

Neither did I but vacant seasons spend
In this my scribble; nor did I intend

But to divert myself, in doing this,
From worser thoughts, which make me do amiss.

Thus I set pen to paper with delight,
And quickly had my thoughts in black and white;

For having now my method by the end,
Still as I pull'd, it came; and so I penned

It down; until it came at last to be,
For length and breadth, the bigness which you see.

Well, when I had thus put mine ends together
I show'd them others, that I might see whether

They would condemn them, or them justify:
And some said, let them live; some, let them die:

Some said, John, print it; others said, Not so:
Some said, It might do good; others said, No.

Now was I in a strait, and did not see
Which was the best thing to be done by me:

At last I thought, Since ye are thus divided,
I print it will; and so the case decided.

For, thought I, some I see would have it done,
Though others in that channel do not run:

To prove, then, who advised for the best,
Thus I thought fit to put it to the test.

I further thought, if now I did deny
Those that would have it, thus to gratify;

I did not know, but hinder them I might
Of that which would to them be great delight.

For those which were not for its coming forth,
I said to them, Offend you, I am loath;

Yet since your brethren pleased with it be,
Forbear to judge, till you do further see.

If that thou wilt not read, let it alone;
Some love the meat, some love to pick the bone.

Yea, that I might them better palliate,
I did too with them thus expostulate:

May I not write in such a style as this?
In such a method too, and yet not miss

My end-thy good? Why may it not be done?
Dark clouds bring waters, when the bright bring none.

Yea, dark or bright, if they their silver drops
Cause to descend, the earth, by yielding crops,

Gives praise to both, and carpeth not at either,
But treasures up the fruit they yield together;

Yea, so commixes both, that in their fruit
None can distinguish this from that; they suit

Her well when hungry; but if she be full,
She spews out both, and makes their blessing null.

You see the ways the fisherman doth take
To catch the fish; what engines doth he make!

Behold how he engageth all his wits;
Also his snares, lines, angles, hooks, and nets:

Yet fish there be, that neither hook nor line,
Nor snare, nor net, nor engine can make thine:

They must be groped for, and be tickled too,
Or they will not be catch'd, whate'er you do.

How does the fowler seek to catch his game
By divers means! all which one cannot name.

His guns, his nets, his lime-twigs, light and bell:
He creeps, he goes, he stands; yea, who can tell

Of all his postures? yet there's none of these
Will make him master of what fowls he please.

Yea, he must pipe and whistle, to catch this;
Yet if he does so, that bird he will miss.

If that a pearl may in toad's head dwell,
And may be found too in an oyster-shell;

If things that promise nothing, do contain
What better is than gold; who will disdain,

That have an inkling to of it, there to look,
That they may find it. Now my little book,

(Though void of all these paintings that may make
It with this or the other man to take,)

Is not without those things that do excel
What do in brave but empty notions dwell.

"Well, yet I am not fully satisfied
That this your book will stand, when soundly tried."

Why, what's the matter? "It is dark." What though?
"But it is feigned." What of that? I trow

Some men by feigned words, as dark as mine,
Make truth to spangle, and its rays to shine.

"But they want solidness." Speak, man, thy mind.
"They drown the weak; metaphors make us blind."

Solidity, indeed, becomes the pen
Of him that writeth things divine to men:

But must I needs want solidness, because
By metaphors I speak? Were not God's laws,

His gospel laws, in olden time held forth
By types, shadows, and metaphors? Yet loth

Will any sober man be to find fault
With them, lest he be found for to assault

The highest wisdom! No, he rather stoops,
And seeks to find out what, by pins and loops,

By calves and sheep, by heifers, and by rams,
By birds and herbs, and by the blood of lambs,

God speaketh to him; and happy is he
That finds the light and grace that in them be.

But not too forward, therefore, to conclude
That I want solidness-that I am rude;

All things solid in show, not solid be;
All things in parable despise not we,

Lest things most hurtful lightly we receive,
And things that good are, of our souls bereave.

My dark and cloudy words they do but hold
The truth, as cabinets inclose the gold.

The prophets used much by metaphors
To set forth truth: yea, who so considers

Christ, his apostles too, shall plainly see,
That truths to this day in such mantles be.

Am I afraid to say, that holy writ,
Which for its style and phrase puts down all wit,

Is everywhere so full of all these things,
Dark figures, allegories? Yet there springs

From that same book, that lustre, and those rays
Of light, that turn our darkest nights to days.

Come, let my carper to his life now look,
And find there darker lines than in my book

He findeth any; yea, and let him know,
That in his best things there are worse lines too.

May we but stand before impartial men,
To his poor one I durst adventure ten,

That they will take my meaning in these lines
Far better than his lies in silver shrines.

Come, truth, although in swaddling-clothes, I find
Informs the judgment, rectifies the mind;

Pleases the understanding, makes the will
Submit, the memory too it doth fill

With what doth our imagination please;
Likewise it tends our troubles to appease.

Sound words, I know, Timothy is to use,
And old wives' fables he is to refuse;

But yet grave Paul him nowhere doth forbid
The use of parables, in which lay hid

That gold, those pearls, and precious stones that were
Worth digging for, and that with greatest care.

Let me add one word more. O man of God,
Art thou offended? Dost thou wish I had

Put forth my matter in another dress?
Or that I had in things been more express?

Three things let me propound; then I submit
To those that are my betters, as is fit.

1. I find not that I am denied the use
Of this my method, so I no abuse

Put on the words, things, readers, or be rude
In handling figure or similitude,

In application; but all that I may
Seek the advance of truth this or that way.

Denied, did I say? Nay, I have leave,
(Example too, and that from them that have

God better pleased, by their words or ways,
Than any man that breatheth now-a-days,)

Thus to express my mind, thus to declare
Things unto thee that excellentest are.

2. I find that men as high as trees will write
Dialogue-wise; yet no man doth them slight

For writing so. Indeed, if they abuse
Truth, cursed be they, and the craft they use

To that intent; but yet let truth be free
To make her sallies upon thee and me,

Which way it pleases God: for who knows how,
Better than he that taught us first to plough,

To guide our minds and pens for his designs?
And he makes base things usher in divine.

3. I find that holy writ, in many places,
Hath semblance with this method, where the cases

Do call for one thing to set forth another:
Use it I may then, and yet nothing smother

Truth's golden beams: nay, by this method may
Make it cast forth its rays as light as day.

And now, before I do put up my pen,
I'll show the profit of my book; and then

Commit both thee and it unto that hand
That pulls the strong down, and makes weak ones stand.

This book it chalketh out before thine eyes
The man that seeks the everlasting prize:

It shows you whence he comes, whither he goes,
What he leaves undone; also what he does:

It also shows you how he runs, and runs,
Till he unto the gate of glory comes.

It shows, too, who set out for life amain,
As if the lasting crown they would obtain;

Here also you may see the reason why
They lose their labor, and like fools do die.

This book will make a traveler of thee,
If by its counsel thou wilt ruled be;

It will direct thee to the Holy Land,
If thou wilt its directions understand

Yea, it will make the slothful active be;
The blind also delightful things to see.

Art thou for something rare and profitable?
Or would'st thou see a truth within a fable?

Art thou forgetful? Wouldest thou remember
From New-Year's day to the last of December?

Then read my fancies; they will stick like burs,
And may be, to the helpless, comforters.

This book is writ in such a dialect
As may the minds of listless men affect:

It seems a novelty, and yet contains
Nothing but sound and honest gospel strains.

Would'st thou divert thyself from melancholy?
Would'st thou be pleasant, yet be far from folly?

Would'st thou read riddles, and their explanation?
Or else be drowned in thy contemplation?

Dost thou love picking meat? Or would'st thou see
A man i' the clouds, and hear him speak to thee?

Would'st thou be in a dream, and yet not sleep?
Or would'st thou in a moment laugh and weep?

Would'st thou lose thyself and catch no harm,
And find thyself again without a charm?

Would'st read thyself, and read thou know'st not what,
And yet know whether thou art blest or not,

By reading the same lines? O then come hither,
And lay my book, thy head, and heart together.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Getting to Point B


The three year mark of when I moved back to Dallas after a year of volunteering in Northern Ireland was last Sunday, August 15.  With that anniversary came a lot of reflection, a little regret, and other tumultuous emotions that I can’t even find a name for—and they literally took my breath away.  Since God wired my mind for creativity, not sentiment, I wasn’t sure what to do with the vulnerability of those thoughts.  I wanted to push them away because I often prefer the “artificial bliss” that comes from ignoring the need for an introspective look at oneself.  Unfortunately, that option doesn’t exist for me since I’ve chosen a life theme of authenticity

I take comfort in the fact that reading and writing help me sort out my thoughts, especially when they seem too much to handle.  As such, I read several books last week (namely A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Don Miller), and came to realize that some of my frustration stems from the fact that, in my life, I’m a character eager to create a blockbuster story, but no clue as to how I can get from where I am (Point A) to where I want to be (Point B).

I didn’t use to feel this way.  I used to know with certainty that I was doing what I loved in a place that felt like home, and it was all leading to where I ultimately wanted to go.  I experienced the magic of being challenged, fulfilled, and content at the same time.  But that’s all changed and in last three years, I have found myself in a place called “the in-between.”  And it’s time for me to transition out of it!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m blessed with a good church, a good job (even if it is in a cubicle), and countless “memorable scenes” that I will never regret (skydiving, doing a 5K race, backpacking across mountains, doing mission work in India, spending New Years Eve in London, riding a scooter around Spain, taking road trips, entering homemade jam into the State Fair, etc).  But I know there’s more to my future than this. 

So, without wasting any more time on things that aren’t taking me closer to Point B, it’s time—right now—for me to take action on reaching my dreams.  I might not know the exact conclusion to my story, but of these things I am certain:
             I want to move away from Dallas soon
             …and to a place where I can spend more time outdoors
            I want to create beauty through words and art
             …while inspiring others to do the same
             I want to pursue more opportunities to speak in public
             …and start a fulltime spiritual coaching ministry

I realize that I can’t just snap my finger and have what I want tomorrow [insert sad face here].  So the first obstacle in obtaining my dreams will be getting in a good financial position to move on and start something new when the opportunity presents itself.  With that in mind, just this week I started a part-time job at a bookstore.  It might not sound like much, but those 20 hours a week, combined with the 40 hours a week at my fulltime job, gives me extra money to tuck away (and less free time to spend it).  It’s terrifying, and a complete sacrifice of my social life, but I’m already feeling more fulfilled in my pursuit of a better story.

The next step in my journey is an upcoming trip to Portland for Don Miller’s “Living a Better Story” conference on September 26 and 27 (www.donmilleris.com/conference).  I’m excited to hear more about discovering what you want, planning your life out like a story, and overcoming the inevitable struggles along the way.  I hope that I won’t feel intimidated by some of the “big dreamers” who are there, but that I would take the opportunity to learn from their stories and find the motivation I need to keep pursuing my own.

Beyond these first steps, this process is going to consist of a “one day at a time” mentality while I save money, begin to research how to start a ministry, and make plans to move to another city.  God willing, my story will bring Him pleasure!