And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.
I just read the obituary of one of my friends. I haven' t ever done that before. My heart is confused and torn between feeling hurt and feeling sad. Suicide is perplexing and leaves a lot of unanswered questions.
Because Tracie and I have lost touch in the last couple of years, our interaction was limited to the odd facebook chat every few months. Perhaps that is what makes this even more weird. A huge part of my time in highschool was spent with Tracie: church on Sunday nights, Awana program on Mondays and Thursdays, homeschool classes, and social events most weekends. This is where it's weird. I almost feel like I shouldn't hurt so much because we weren't close anymore. But that's really the opposite of what the situation is.
Because we weren't close anymore, and now I hear that she's gone, all I want to is call her and see how she's doing. I want to call and ask her what was going on that made her choose to end it all. Mostly, I want the chance to have my friend back.
I sat at home this morning and looked through old photos of Tracie and I from highschool. I felt like I needed to sit at home in quiet and reflect on her life with respect. I don't want to move on from this day or this week with any resentment or bitterness. The confusion will probably linger, that's what suicide does, but I want to respect Tracie's life and speak kindly of the person she was.
One of my best friends just went through these same emotions when a friend of hers took his own life. She has a much better way of communicating emotions than I, here are the words she shared with me today:
we loved them. and now they're gone. and we don't know why. and we never will. i think whats really cruel about suicide is that it robs the person of their identity. and it labels them. and people hear they "committed suicide" and the person they make up in their head isn't who the person was. they were someones child. someones brother or sister. someones best friend. they were someone. and for us who are left behind, i think we just have to chose to remember them, as the person they were. before suicide. before life became too hard. and we miss them. but mostly, we remember. and we live. and we chose to let their lives mean something.
2 comments:
There is so much more that I'm feeling and that I want to say, but the words aren't there. This post feels incomplete, just like Tracie's life.
It's times like these when it is really much better to just sit quietly and listen. Words may come in your solitude, but it might also be a long while before they do, sweetie. My heart breaks for Tracie's much-too-short life and for her parents/sister, too.
Post a Comment