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Wednesday, September 15, 2010

ants

There was a trail of ants in my house this week. They were headed from the kitchen door to my bottle of maple syrup. Don't worry, I quickly took care of the problem and the ants were gone just as quickly as they had appeared. But I thought about it today and realized how curious it is that these determined little ants didn't stop and cry for a day or two at the wall of white poison that I had placed in their path. The powder was obviously piled in their way and they couldn't get to where they wanted to go, and yet those little ants just disappeared. I suppose they've moved on to bigger and better things besides my little bottle of syrup.

Why can't I change my course so easily? When a proverbial door in my life is closed, I like to sit and moan about it for a little bit...or a lot. I like complain about the someone who would do such a thing to thwart my plans and throw me off course. Sometimes I use it as an excuse to stop moving and take a break.  Sometimes I use it as an excuse to stop pursuing God the way I should. Hmmm...perhaps I should be more like the ants and not become idle but rather keep moving, trusting that the poison was a sign that something better is waiting for me next.

Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
   don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
   he's the one who will keep you on track.
Proverbs 3:5-6 (The Message)

Friday, September 3, 2010

I Blame Belle

I was on a quick trip to Boise this week (I was only gone 30 hours!) and loved being out of Texas for even that short amount of time.  And when I got home last night, it wasn't with relief or comfort: I was sad.  I can only describe it as being homesick.  Homesick for what, I don't know.  What do you do when your "home" doesn't feel like home anymore?  I'm certainly not the only one to ever feel this way and yet I'm amazed at how quickly this has become a feeling that I'm living with.  It's as though there was suddenly an invisible shift and now I don't feel like Dallas is where I should be at all.  I'm homesick, but where is home?

I'd really like to blame someone for this.  After all, I didn't ask for this frustration and find it terribly inconvenient (not to mention that I worry about upsetting my family and friends here when all I talk about is leaving).  So, after much thought, I've decided that I blame Belle.  You know Belle, she's also known as "Beauty" from Disney's Beauty and the Beast.  It's her fault, I'm certain of it.

Belle dreamt of being understood and craved adventure away from what had become a "provincial life."  As a child, I loved Belle's story because of her spunk and the wonderful events that occurred in her life after she stumbled upon the run-down palace and met the tormented Beast.  But as an adult (yes, I still watch the movie!), I see Belle as someone who wanted something more than what her community expected.  And I've never related to her as much as I do now.

"I want adventure in the great wide somewhere, I want it more than I can tell. And for once it might be grand to have someone understand I want so much more than they've got planned."

I realized that Belle was at fault for my feelings of displacement in Dallas after my good friend, Kalie Lowrie (please visit her lovely "kindred spirit" blog here), took me to see the Broadway show of Beauty and the Beast when it was in Dallas this July.  In the show, Belle is trapped in the cursed castle and sang a beautiful song that didn't just strike a chord with me, it practically broke the chord as my heart echoed each word:

Is this home? Is this where I should learn to be happy?
Never dreamed that a home could be dark and cold
I was told ev'ry day in my childhood:
Even when you grow old, home should be where the heart is
Never where words so true!
My heart's far, far away...home is too

Is this home, Is this what I must learn to believe in?
Try to find something good in this tragic place
Just in case I should stay here forever
Held in this empty place
Oh, that won't be easy, I know the reason why
My heart's far, far away...home's alike

What I'd give to return
To the life that I knew lately
But I know now I can't
All my problems going by

Is this home? Am I here for a day or forever?
Shut away from the world until who knows when
Oh, but then as my life has been altered once, it can change again
Build higher walls around me, change ev'ry lock and key
Nothing lasts, nothing holds...all of me

My heart's far, far away...Home and free


While I continue sorting out where "home" is for me on this earth, in this life, I don't want to forget that the only real reason I feel displaced is because my true home is with God in heaven.  I wasn't meant for this world and won't ever really find myself in this world.  So, until that blessed day comes, when I no longer will comprehend what it means to be discontent or misunderstood, I'm not going to hold on to anything.  My hands are open wide and lifted up with all I have in this world on them: God is in total control of my destiny.  I pray that my hands never close to fists and that my heart will only find contentment in seek God's path for me...until I'm finally home.

“Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me. There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am. And you know the way to where I am going.” - John 14:1-4

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Quotes on a Tuesday

“If I don't write to empty my mind, I go mad.” 
- Lord Byron

"We should write because it is human nature to write. Writing claims our world. It makes it directly and specifically our own. We should write because humans are spiritual beings and writing is a powerful form of prayer and meditation, connecting us both to our own insights and to a higher and deeper level of inner guidance. We should write because writing brings clarity and passion to the act of living. Writing is sensual, experiential, grounding. We should write because writing is good for the soul. We should write because writing yields us a body of work, a felt path through the world we live in. We should write, above all, because we are writers, whether we call ourselves that or not." 
- Julia Cameron  

"Writing isn't about making money, getting famous, getting dates, getting laid, or making friends. In the end, it's about enriching the lives of those who will read your work, and enriching your own life, as well. It's about getting up, getting well, and getting over. Getting happy, okay? Getting happy." 
- Stephen King

"Clutter and mess show us that life is being lived...Tidiness makes me think of held breath, of suspended animation... Perfectionism is a mean, frozen form of idealism, while messes are the artist's true friend. What people somehow forgot to mention when we were children was that we need to make messes in order to find out who we are and why we are here."
  - Anne Lamott

 "Write what disturbs you, what you fear, what you have not been willing to speak about. Be willing to be split open."
  - Natalie Goldberg

Monday, August 23, 2010

A Stolen Apology

At the beginning of Pilgram's Pride, author John Bunyan has a beautifully written "Author's Apology" that I wish to steal and share with you today. I'd love it if you found the two lines that stand out to you the most and submit a comment with them so I can know what you enjoyed or related to the most.

WHEN at the first I took my pen in hand
Thus for to write, I did not understand

That I at all should make a little book
In such a mode: nay, I had undertook

To make another; which, when almost done,
Before I was aware I this begun.

And thus it was: I, writing of the way
And race of saints in this our gospel-day,

Fell suddenly into an allegory
About their journey, and the way to glory,

In more than twenty things which I set down
This done, I twenty more had in my crown,

And they again began to multiply,
Like sparks that from the coals of fire do fly.

Nay, then, thought I, if that you breed so fast,
I'll put you by yourselves, lest you at last

Should prove ad infinitum, I and eat out
The book that I already am about.

Well, so I did; but yet I did not think
To show to all the world my pen and ink

In such a mode; I only thought to make
I knew not what: nor did I undertake

Thereby to please my neighbor; no, not I;
I did it my own self to gratify.

Neither did I but vacant seasons spend
In this my scribble; nor did I intend

But to divert myself, in doing this,
From worser thoughts, which make me do amiss.

Thus I set pen to paper with delight,
And quickly had my thoughts in black and white;

For having now my method by the end,
Still as I pull'd, it came; and so I penned

It down; until it came at last to be,
For length and breadth, the bigness which you see.

Well, when I had thus put mine ends together
I show'd them others, that I might see whether

They would condemn them, or them justify:
And some said, let them live; some, let them die:

Some said, John, print it; others said, Not so:
Some said, It might do good; others said, No.

Now was I in a strait, and did not see
Which was the best thing to be done by me:

At last I thought, Since ye are thus divided,
I print it will; and so the case decided.

For, thought I, some I see would have it done,
Though others in that channel do not run:

To prove, then, who advised for the best,
Thus I thought fit to put it to the test.

I further thought, if now I did deny
Those that would have it, thus to gratify;

I did not know, but hinder them I might
Of that which would to them be great delight.

For those which were not for its coming forth,
I said to them, Offend you, I am loath;

Yet since your brethren pleased with it be,
Forbear to judge, till you do further see.

If that thou wilt not read, let it alone;
Some love the meat, some love to pick the bone.

Yea, that I might them better palliate,
I did too with them thus expostulate:

May I not write in such a style as this?
In such a method too, and yet not miss

My end-thy good? Why may it not be done?
Dark clouds bring waters, when the bright bring none.

Yea, dark or bright, if they their silver drops
Cause to descend, the earth, by yielding crops,

Gives praise to both, and carpeth not at either,
But treasures up the fruit they yield together;

Yea, so commixes both, that in their fruit
None can distinguish this from that; they suit

Her well when hungry; but if she be full,
She spews out both, and makes their blessing null.

You see the ways the fisherman doth take
To catch the fish; what engines doth he make!

Behold how he engageth all his wits;
Also his snares, lines, angles, hooks, and nets:

Yet fish there be, that neither hook nor line,
Nor snare, nor net, nor engine can make thine:

They must be groped for, and be tickled too,
Or they will not be catch'd, whate'er you do.

How does the fowler seek to catch his game
By divers means! all which one cannot name.

His guns, his nets, his lime-twigs, light and bell:
He creeps, he goes, he stands; yea, who can tell

Of all his postures? yet there's none of these
Will make him master of what fowls he please.

Yea, he must pipe and whistle, to catch this;
Yet if he does so, that bird he will miss.

If that a pearl may in toad's head dwell,
And may be found too in an oyster-shell;

If things that promise nothing, do contain
What better is than gold; who will disdain,

That have an inkling to of it, there to look,
That they may find it. Now my little book,

(Though void of all these paintings that may make
It with this or the other man to take,)

Is not without those things that do excel
What do in brave but empty notions dwell.

"Well, yet I am not fully satisfied
That this your book will stand, when soundly tried."

Why, what's the matter? "It is dark." What though?
"But it is feigned." What of that? I trow

Some men by feigned words, as dark as mine,
Make truth to spangle, and its rays to shine.

"But they want solidness." Speak, man, thy mind.
"They drown the weak; metaphors make us blind."

Solidity, indeed, becomes the pen
Of him that writeth things divine to men:

But must I needs want solidness, because
By metaphors I speak? Were not God's laws,

His gospel laws, in olden time held forth
By types, shadows, and metaphors? Yet loth

Will any sober man be to find fault
With them, lest he be found for to assault

The highest wisdom! No, he rather stoops,
And seeks to find out what, by pins and loops,

By calves and sheep, by heifers, and by rams,
By birds and herbs, and by the blood of lambs,

God speaketh to him; and happy is he
That finds the light and grace that in them be.

But not too forward, therefore, to conclude
That I want solidness-that I am rude;

All things solid in show, not solid be;
All things in parable despise not we,

Lest things most hurtful lightly we receive,
And things that good are, of our souls bereave.

My dark and cloudy words they do but hold
The truth, as cabinets inclose the gold.

The prophets used much by metaphors
To set forth truth: yea, who so considers

Christ, his apostles too, shall plainly see,
That truths to this day in such mantles be.

Am I afraid to say, that holy writ,
Which for its style and phrase puts down all wit,

Is everywhere so full of all these things,
Dark figures, allegories? Yet there springs

From that same book, that lustre, and those rays
Of light, that turn our darkest nights to days.

Come, let my carper to his life now look,
And find there darker lines than in my book

He findeth any; yea, and let him know,
That in his best things there are worse lines too.

May we but stand before impartial men,
To his poor one I durst adventure ten,

That they will take my meaning in these lines
Far better than his lies in silver shrines.

Come, truth, although in swaddling-clothes, I find
Informs the judgment, rectifies the mind;

Pleases the understanding, makes the will
Submit, the memory too it doth fill

With what doth our imagination please;
Likewise it tends our troubles to appease.

Sound words, I know, Timothy is to use,
And old wives' fables he is to refuse;

But yet grave Paul him nowhere doth forbid
The use of parables, in which lay hid

That gold, those pearls, and precious stones that were
Worth digging for, and that with greatest care.

Let me add one word more. O man of God,
Art thou offended? Dost thou wish I had

Put forth my matter in another dress?
Or that I had in things been more express?

Three things let me propound; then I submit
To those that are my betters, as is fit.

1. I find not that I am denied the use
Of this my method, so I no abuse

Put on the words, things, readers, or be rude
In handling figure or similitude,

In application; but all that I may
Seek the advance of truth this or that way.

Denied, did I say? Nay, I have leave,
(Example too, and that from them that have

God better pleased, by their words or ways,
Than any man that breatheth now-a-days,)

Thus to express my mind, thus to declare
Things unto thee that excellentest are.

2. I find that men as high as trees will write
Dialogue-wise; yet no man doth them slight

For writing so. Indeed, if they abuse
Truth, cursed be they, and the craft they use

To that intent; but yet let truth be free
To make her sallies upon thee and me,

Which way it pleases God: for who knows how,
Better than he that taught us first to plough,

To guide our minds and pens for his designs?
And he makes base things usher in divine.

3. I find that holy writ, in many places,
Hath semblance with this method, where the cases

Do call for one thing to set forth another:
Use it I may then, and yet nothing smother

Truth's golden beams: nay, by this method may
Make it cast forth its rays as light as day.

And now, before I do put up my pen,
I'll show the profit of my book; and then

Commit both thee and it unto that hand
That pulls the strong down, and makes weak ones stand.

This book it chalketh out before thine eyes
The man that seeks the everlasting prize:

It shows you whence he comes, whither he goes,
What he leaves undone; also what he does:

It also shows you how he runs, and runs,
Till he unto the gate of glory comes.

It shows, too, who set out for life amain,
As if the lasting crown they would obtain;

Here also you may see the reason why
They lose their labor, and like fools do die.

This book will make a traveler of thee,
If by its counsel thou wilt ruled be;

It will direct thee to the Holy Land,
If thou wilt its directions understand

Yea, it will make the slothful active be;
The blind also delightful things to see.

Art thou for something rare and profitable?
Or would'st thou see a truth within a fable?

Art thou forgetful? Wouldest thou remember
From New-Year's day to the last of December?

Then read my fancies; they will stick like burs,
And may be, to the helpless, comforters.

This book is writ in such a dialect
As may the minds of listless men affect:

It seems a novelty, and yet contains
Nothing but sound and honest gospel strains.

Would'st thou divert thyself from melancholy?
Would'st thou be pleasant, yet be far from folly?

Would'st thou read riddles, and their explanation?
Or else be drowned in thy contemplation?

Dost thou love picking meat? Or would'st thou see
A man i' the clouds, and hear him speak to thee?

Would'st thou be in a dream, and yet not sleep?
Or would'st thou in a moment laugh and weep?

Would'st thou lose thyself and catch no harm,
And find thyself again without a charm?

Would'st read thyself, and read thou know'st not what,
And yet know whether thou art blest or not,

By reading the same lines? O then come hither,
And lay my book, thy head, and heart together.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Getting to Point B


The three year mark of when I moved back to Dallas after a year of volunteering in Northern Ireland was last Sunday, August 15.  With that anniversary came a lot of reflection, a little regret, and other tumultuous emotions that I can’t even find a name for—and they literally took my breath away.  Since God wired my mind for creativity, not sentiment, I wasn’t sure what to do with the vulnerability of those thoughts.  I wanted to push them away because I often prefer the “artificial bliss” that comes from ignoring the need for an introspective look at oneself.  Unfortunately, that option doesn’t exist for me since I’ve chosen a life theme of authenticity

I take comfort in the fact that reading and writing help me sort out my thoughts, especially when they seem too much to handle.  As such, I read several books last week (namely A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Don Miller), and came to realize that some of my frustration stems from the fact that, in my life, I’m a character eager to create a blockbuster story, but no clue as to how I can get from where I am (Point A) to where I want to be (Point B).

I didn’t use to feel this way.  I used to know with certainty that I was doing what I loved in a place that felt like home, and it was all leading to where I ultimately wanted to go.  I experienced the magic of being challenged, fulfilled, and content at the same time.  But that’s all changed and in last three years, I have found myself in a place called “the in-between.”  And it’s time for me to transition out of it!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m blessed with a good church, a good job (even if it is in a cubicle), and countless “memorable scenes” that I will never regret (skydiving, doing a 5K race, backpacking across mountains, doing mission work in India, spending New Years Eve in London, riding a scooter around Spain, taking road trips, entering homemade jam into the State Fair, etc).  But I know there’s more to my future than this. 

So, without wasting any more time on things that aren’t taking me closer to Point B, it’s time—right now—for me to take action on reaching my dreams.  I might not know the exact conclusion to my story, but of these things I am certain:
             I want to move away from Dallas soon
             …and to a place where I can spend more time outdoors
            I want to create beauty through words and art
             …while inspiring others to do the same
             I want to pursue more opportunities to speak in public
             …and start a fulltime spiritual coaching ministry

I realize that I can’t just snap my finger and have what I want tomorrow [insert sad face here].  So the first obstacle in obtaining my dreams will be getting in a good financial position to move on and start something new when the opportunity presents itself.  With that in mind, just this week I started a part-time job at a bookstore.  It might not sound like much, but those 20 hours a week, combined with the 40 hours a week at my fulltime job, gives me extra money to tuck away (and less free time to spend it).  It’s terrifying, and a complete sacrifice of my social life, but I’m already feeling more fulfilled in my pursuit of a better story.

The next step in my journey is an upcoming trip to Portland for Don Miller’s “Living a Better Story” conference on September 26 and 27 (www.donmilleris.com/conference).  I’m excited to hear more about discovering what you want, planning your life out like a story, and overcoming the inevitable struggles along the way.  I hope that I won’t feel intimidated by some of the “big dreamers” who are there, but that I would take the opportunity to learn from their stories and find the motivation I need to keep pursuing my own.

Beyond these first steps, this process is going to consist of a “one day at a time” mentality while I save money, begin to research how to start a ministry, and make plans to move to another city.  God willing, my story will bring Him pleasure!



Monday, August 9, 2010

Rears Its Ugly Head

As the title of this post reminds me, jealousy is not an attractive characteristic. Unfortunately, I've been faced with this ugly side of myself several times in the last 10 days. While I would like to try and excuse my behavior with creative and colorful stories or woes, I must simply face the truth. Jealousy is not pretty and jealousy (in this context) shouldn't be a part of my life.

Dallas is known for being a very materialistic city. I've always noticed this, but this could be the first time that I've felt the panic and fear of not having what I want--which leads to a desperate notion that I would do almost anything to get what I want. Just typing these words are making me cringe in disgust! I'm normally very good at "living simply, so others may simply live," so I'm not sure what caused the change.

Perhaps it was a loss of focus and perspective. When I begin to lose my desire to live simply and get caught up in the monetary and temporary things around me, especially in comparison to everyone I'm surrounded by, I begin to sound angry and bitter that I don't have what I want. Or worse, I begin throwing judgment and negativity on those who have things I would like in order to make myself feel better. My perspective on these things should be different because of my limited monetary resources and, more importantly, my beliefs about living as a Christ-follower.

So this week I feel the need to make sacrifices and pray boldly for the deliverence of envy and reminder that my dreams and desires call me beyond the issues of clothing, furniture, decorations, jewelry, vacations, iPhones, and pets. I want my life to be filled with conversations on the things of God and activities that aren't self-serving.

If anyone else is feeling the same wave of envy or discontentment that comes from focusing too much on materialism, or even if you're just beginning to observe that most of the "drama" and conversations in your life are centered on *stuff*--I hope that the Lord reminds you, like He did for me, that it's all meaningless. 

"Then I observed that most people are motivated to success because they envy their neighbors. But this, too, is meaningless—like chasing the wind." - Ecclesiastes 4:4

Life has more to offer than more closet space to hold our junk--so I don't know about you, but I'm going to go out there and work towards a life free from materialism, envy, and judgment. I'd rather be know for having a spirit of love, abandon, and generosity.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Nickels and Dimes

This is really embarrassing for me to admit, but I have the bad habit of watching my checking account go down to a very, very low balance at the end of every pay period. (I'd like people to think that I'm smart with my money, but the truth is, I'm not.)  Well, this week I had several humbling realizations--which is never fun for someone as prideful as me.  And, of course, I feel compelled to share them on here to really drive home what I'm learning about the process toward humbleness...or whatever.  I hope you won't judge me by what I'm going to share.

Maybe it's because I'm a thrill-seeker that I relish the task of making sure that "x" amount of dollars lasts until payday, but that excitement back-fired this week when I forgot to factor in several trips I needed to take outside of Dallas.  The tank of gas in my car seemed to empty faster than normal and soon I found myself two days away from payday with the gas light on in my car and only a couple bucks in my bank account. I won't go into great detail, but let's just say I felt about *this big* (imagine two of my fingers barely touching) when I walked in to the gas station to pay for a couple gallons of gas with only two $1 bills and $3.25 of nickels and dimes that I had scrounged up at home. However, I am happy to admit that those couple gallons of gas lasted until this morning (payday) when my gas light came on yet again.  I'm so thankful that God provided all that change so I could get around--and so I could see what else in my life needed to change.

You see, it would be have really easy for me to just go put a tank of gas on my credit card and not suffer the embarrassment of paying with coins.  But I can't let myself use a credit card to ignore the reality of my bad habits.  As I wrestled with the temptation to use plastic and "save face," I realized how often I've done that in the last two years.  I have a lot of friends who are in different positions than I am when it comes to finances.  I don't want to make excuses for myself, sound judgmental, or play the part of a martyr, but I reached a point this week where I realized that I can't keep up.  I can't go out to eat with them as much, I can't go to all the events, shop for the same things...my reality is different than theirs and I need to make tough sacrifices in order to be financially responsible.  I even applied for a part-time job so that I have more cash and less time to spend it.

Although I don't regret anything I've spent money on this year (I have too many good memories to be remorseful), it's okay if I try and be a little more frugal, or "thrifty" as I would prefer to say.  The Lord is  teaching me that living authentically even applies to my bank accounts and I pray that my "nickel and dime" motivation of the week lasts.  I've already chopped up my credit card and planned out my cash allowance for the next two weeks.  I am inspired to make the humbling sacrifices necessary to boost my bank accounts.  To God be the glory.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

The Good Christian Girl.

Thanks to one of the many people I follow on Twitter, I found the following article from Christianity Today.  "The Good Christian Girl:  What heeding a decade and a half of dating advice can mean."  http://bit.ly/a50JWA

I was shocked with how much of this article mirrored conversations and attitudes I've encountered in my life, and in myself.  So please take a moment to read it and think about it. 

Be careful what you say and how you treat the single Christian women you know because, as the article clearly describes, often we feel like we just can't win.  I've seen many of my friends in Dallas take the same path as the Good Christian Girl in this fable and I think it's avoidable with a little more love from their christian community.

We all have a responsibility to love and extend grace.  So let's not forget the importance of extending grace to our christian family in addition to those who don't believe in God.  It's Christlike to give each other the freedom to be different, the freedom to be honest and vulnerable, and it's a powerful witness to those wondering if they'll "fit in" the Christian family.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Just One Day

Just one day
That's all I want.
Just twenty-four hours
without wondering what comes next
or what on earth I'm doing.
Because I'm here, it's my home.
Like it or loathe it.
To dream every single day is exhausting.
Just one day, is it so much to ask?

I see others without such woe
No pursuit of destiny.
Blind to the colors yet to be discovered.
and oh how I long for that freedom!
Because along with yearning comes doubt.
What if? What if? What if?
Make. It. Stop.

But yet I am a dreamer
and I pray I continue to be.
No illusions that "this is it."
I know my heart is calling me beyond that.

Helpless as it makes me,
no life could be better
than one that seeks significance
and definition in Him who created my dreams.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Breaking Habits

I've been doing a Biggest Loser competition at work since January.  Although the competition only lasts for 12 weeks, we "piggy-back" one competition onto the next so that the last week of one is also the first week of the next.  July began my third consecutive season. What was I thinking?!

I've known for quite some time that I needed to lose weight. But it's remarkable how long you can simply acknowledge that fact about yourself and DO NOTHING ABOUT IT. Well, thanks to good ol' holiday photographs, I was faced with the reality of my situation in a highly motivating way.  Thus, when the competition started in January, I joined with enthusiasm.

Now, rather than resorting to the extremes of a crash diet, or flush of my system, or unrealistic workout regime--I determined to simply try and change my habits.  I gave up desserts and sweets (boo!) as well as alcohol (double boo!) and did my best to "be more active."  The first three months (January - March), I did great and lost about 10lbs.  I even placed 3rd in the competition!  The second three months (April - June) were a little more up and down and in the end I only lost 3lbs.  I'm feeling motivated again (why can't it be a permanent state?) and hoping that July through September show more progress.  Here is my weight log thus far--I'm glad that I'm below the "trend":
All this was to say that I'm learning a lot through the Biggest Loser about breaking habits.  I've heard people say that it takes at least 30 days of doing something for it to become a habit.  I wonder what the measure is for breaking a habit?  My experience throughout the Biggest Loser is that it takes much longer to BREAK a habit than it does to form a new one.  Wouldn't you agree?

Since a lot of "bad" habits are things that bring us pleasure (like eating chocolate, for me), when we try to get rid of them we know exactly what we are missing.  No wonder it's a struggle to change.  And if my bad habit is not exercising, boy I am going to feel the agony of getting muscles into shape after being inactive!  If my bad habit is staying up late (ahem, like tonight), then I'm going to feel like I'm missing out if I go to bed early.

A friend once told me - the easiest way to lose weight is to never gain it.  SO TRUE. And true with physical activity too; the easiest way to stay in shape is to remain active.  I wonder why we focus so much on changing bad habits instead of preventing bad habits from ever forming?  Obviously, we're prone to "bad" habits and have to change, but I believe more steps can and should be taken to proactively counteract bad habits from forming by concentrating on good habits.

I believe there is a spiritual parallel here too - do you see it?  What does it look like in your life right now?  I'd love to hear your thoughts on this, and on good/bad habits--even weight loss!

Thanks for reading.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Fellowship Metro

When I moved from Belfast, Northern Ireland back to Dallas, Texas, I went through a rough transition.  While my friends, family, and new coworkers were great, one of the things that helped me the most was a Sunday night church service called Fellowship Metro (part of Fellowship Bible Church Dallas). 

I happened upon Metro on my second Sunday of visiting churches after moving from my parents house in Plano to my own apartment in Dallas--and I never left!  My first time to Metro was only the second week that this community had met so it was comforting that I was just as new as everyone else.  In addition, Metro operates under the tagline "a community on mission," and since I was just coming from the literal mission field this mission statement resonated with me.

For over two and a half years I have been a part of the community at Fellowship Metro.  From helping with refugee outreach events, to planning a womens retreat, to being a part of small groups, to helping with announcements, to running the twitter account, to leading a womens small group for 18 months, to seeing people get married or have babies or move away, to helping women get counseled, to creating prayer/worship services, to providing childcare for a married small group every week---the list goes on and on.  I loved it all!  Ultimately, my friends at Metro became my family and allowed me to be myself and helped me process my daily struggle of being authentic and finding out how I'm supposed to live on mission in Dallas while working from a cubicle.



Last night was the last Fellowship Metro.  The church saw that the need for this "next generation" Sunday night service wasn't there anymore; Metro had served its purpose in that way.  Two of the Metro Pastors are being lead to start a new campus plant of Fellowship Dallas and a new mid-week young adult ministry.  I'm so excited about how God is leading these opportunities out of the mission of Fellowship Metro. 

On that same note, this transition out of Metro comes at the same time that I feel (again) as though I am in a personal transition.  My leadership break from Metro the last six months showed me that God was the ONLY thing that made any of the good things possible in the last two and a half years.  It was a good lesson for me to learn.  Now that my heart feels more humbled, I'm eager to see what ministry God would have me get involved with again.

I was offered an opportunity with a ministry, but my heart is feeling led a different direction.  It's exciting to think about doing something new and on my own.  So I'm going to continue praying about this new idea/passion that is building within me--I don't want to do it without knowing God is behind it.  But I'm excited about the future and thankful that everything I've learned from the Metro community has undoubtedly prepared me for whatever comes next.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Social Networking Dilemma

I like certain aspects of Twitter and Facebook, but not all of them. For instance, if I find myself caring too much, I get emotionally exhausted by worrying that something I post will be too dull, too religious, too boastful, too cheesy, too pathetic, or even offensive. Almost every day I find myself wishing that I could have separate accounts for my job, my spiritual thoughts, my peers, and younger/older generations. I think that would make life easier.  Is anyone else with me on this?

Yet, once again, my quest for authenticity demands that I not separate my life into categories. I can’t simply one facet of myself without also being all the rest at the same time. That’d be like ___(insert obvious and profound parallel here)___.



So in this great social networking battle that I find myself in, I’ve decided that I just need to be 100% me, 100% of the time. (Regardless of whether or not I’ll get a judgmental comment or lose a few followers.)

Besides, if honesty is always the best policy—so why am I fretting over this? Note to self: get a grip!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Civilized and Uncivilized

When I received an e-mail from a coworker yesterday afternoon, I was pleasantly surprised to find that it was a link to an interesting article regarding South African soccer fans. It provided an entertaining diversion for the slowest part of my day, and it also had several "stand out" statements that provoked my thoughts toward the Christ-follower's life.

In a nutshell, a South African man (Maurice Meyer) and his wife decided to swim both ways across a crocodile-infested river in order to win VIP World Cup tickets from a radio DJ.  And get this, the idea was all theirs; the DJ only said someone had to do the "craziest thing."  Well, they did it, and they lived to tell about it.  The author of this article, Dan Wetzel, writes: "Incredibly, the Meyers did this without a guarantee they’d even win. And they won’t. The radio station considered their feat too dangerous and refused to endorse it." (Read the full article here: The Spirit of South Africa.)

There's a big part of me that is a thrill seeker and that's one of the reasons why I love following Christ--it's thrilling and risky and dangerous and difficult...and FUN!  What word, other than thrilling, could you use to describe putting your faith in an "unseen" God, trusting Him alone for your safety, and choosing to live more for Him than you do yourself?!

Thus, can you see why the words of Dan Wetzel in reference to South Africa and its people reminded me so much of my life as a Christ-follower?  Just read some of his words and my thoughts about them below:

"It’s a raw, wild place that, at the same time, embraces a fun-loving side. And it’s full of men and women who figure taunting crocodiles is a rush. It’s both civilized and uncivilized at the exact same time – a mix that often works perfectly." -- Living as a Christian has given me countless "uncivilized" moments where I witness the reactions of shock as I tell others Who I live my life for.  I am familiar with the rush of adrenaline that comes at those moments too.  Moments where you choose to take a leap into the potentially dangerous waters of controversy and raw honesty.  There are the moments that defy the "civilized" code of not talking about religion and politics.

"The jokes are the best part of South Africa. Everyone is a comedian here. Life isn’t simple in this country. It’s not really first world and parts are certainly third. Nothing surprises anyone, apparently." -- A more recent lesson that I've learned as a Christ-follower is that I have to have a sense of humor about life and religion.  Too many people get offended too easily or are surprised by something that is very normal, very human.  So I'm continually realizing that we need comedic relief and we need to laugh at ourselves--I don't think Jesus is serious 100% of the time and we shouldn't be either.

"So in a place where the earth burning doesn’t cause a second glance and the political, social and economic structure is under such intense strain, importance is still placed on enjoying every moment, of challenging yourself and others." -- As a Christ-follower, I know that we're doomed as humans but that Christ brings us hope.  Therefore, I want to put importance on the relationships in my life and the actions I can take to improve my area of influence with the time I have here on earth.  We all need each other and we all need to challenge each other to be better lovers, dreamers, and representatives of Christ until He calls us home.

Well that's enough from me.  It's time to get more interactive.  What do you think?  Did you read the article and see something else that I missed?  I hope you share because I'd really like to know.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Authentic? Honesty? Honestly...

Its very frustrating for me to ease back into blogging.  And I made a list of reasons why.

Reason #1: I've allowed more free time into my life and I like it.  Writing takes a long time and sometimes I just want to do a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g e-l-s-e rather than sorting through the clutter in my mind and find a profound thought. That takes a lot of work, and time!  Besides, I'm a writer 40 hours a week and it seems crazy to leave work just to go home and stare at a computer screen again.

Reason #2: I follow a lot of bloggers on twitter and am subscribed to many blogs in my google reader account--they're good, really good.  And they're funny.  And they have a lot of regular blog readers and followers.  I want to be a "popular" blog, but I'm not. Then I realize that I'm not blogging to be popular, I'm trying to keep a record of what I'm learning...then I get frustrated at my selfish desire for personal fame... and then I really don't want to write anything.

Reason #3: As I look back at previous blogs, and even old journal entries at home, I realize that I'm in an incredibly weird and unexpected place in life--and my spiritual life is so inconsistent that I'm embarrassed to compose a honest narrative for fear of what someone might think of my heart's condition.

Reason #4 (last one, I promise): My blog-writing-style is weird.  I don't organize my thoughts beforehand; I simply start writing and let my thoughts unfold as I go.  Prone to bounce around from one idea to the next before you can even sniff, I know how sporadic my posts are.  I've gone back through my old posts before and been completely bewildered as to what I was trying to say.  So I ask myself, why don't I change my style to be more interactive? More conversational? More logical?  That's what the "cool" bloggers are doing.  Am I even a good writer?!?  (Rhetorical question!!!)  Oh well, this is me.  Maybe if I could make a living out of writing on a blog or working on a book I would learn how to communicate my thoughts and ideas better while still keeping my personal writing style.

SUMMARY: I feel very vulnerable with this blog, so I sometimes avoid it.  Honesty is hard. And, in my mind, it's the same as authenticity. And since I've declared "authentic" as my goal in life (and have my tattoo as a daily reminder...stupid tattoo...), I have to do this...no matter how unpopular, revealing, or unorganized it might be.

Now that I've composed a pathetic list of reasons why blogging again is so hard for me, I'm going to share something that was encouraging to me and helped motivate me to come here (Starbucks) directly after work today to write.

In the last two days, two "cool" bloggers have written on the topic of honesty.  Since I was obviously pondering the same thing this week, I feel as though the Lord affirmed my feelings by letting me see that other writers feel the same way as me about writing honestly.

Just read some of their thoughts below--can you see how they would resonate with me?  They seem exactly the same as how I'm feeling...and they can obviously articulate that better than I can.


"And honestly, I think it’s been difficult to write because I’m trying to be honest."

"While I desire to be honest about how I see and understand God or what I believe to be true about Jesus, grace, hope, spirituality, sometimes it’s just not worth it. Sometimes, from my perspective, “honesty” makes life/writing more difficult."

"In our churches and neighborhoods and politics, we uphold honesty as an ideal. Authenticity is key. Integrity is preached. As Christians, we're supposed to aspire to these things...But sometimes I wonder what society would look like if all of us were brutally honest all the time. We might have clear consciences and satisfied intellects. But would we have any friends? Would we live in chaos? I don't know. I aspire to personal transparency just like anyone else. But I wonder if we could really handle heavy doses of it."


This is an abrupt ending -- but I can't think of anything else to say.  Thanks for reading.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Redheaded Heroes

Last December I finally did it.  I dyed my hair red!  It might have seemed impulsive and crazy, but I've always wanted red hair.  And I have no regrets about doing it!  Look how FUN it is!



Besides, I can now *un*officially join my list of "redheaded heroes":

Anne Shirley from Anne of Green Gables












Pippi Longstocking











Lucy Ricardo from I Love Lucy












Dolly Levi (Barbra Streisand) from Hello Dolly









Ariel from the Little Mermaid












Little Orphan Annie









Deborah Kerr (She can SING and she got men like Yule Brenner and Cary Grant!)










 


Sydney Bristow from ALIAS (ell, she wasn't always a redhead, but she was always awesome)












AND - just one more I promise - my very first "big purchase" as a kid: Felicity the American girl doll:













Let's face it -- red hair typically goes with someone a little quirky, mighty fiesty, and a lot of fun.  I'd say it suits me just right!  (And I've always liked a little extra attention...)

Hitting the Wall

During my visit to New York City two weeks ago, I was finally able to sit and watch the "Run Fatboy Run" DVD with my brother--a gift I'd given to him at Christmas.  To me, this was a perfect afternoon since two of my favorite things are watching movies and spending quality time with the people I love.

If you haven't seen it, this film is full of laughs and surprisingly significant truths about love, commitment, and responsibility.  The main character, Dennis, attempts to complete something for the first time in his life in order to prove to his ex-fiancé that he isn't a total loser.  Not one to think things through, he boasts that he will run and complete a marathon with only a few weeks to prepare.  Without giving you a complete summary, and trying to avoid spoilers, I want to share with you what I consider one of the most poignant and thought-provoking scenes in the movie.

It's hours into the race and Dennis is moving at the slowest possible pace.  It's dark outside and although he has a group of supporters walking behind him, he's alone.  At that moment, his body slams against something and comes to a complete stop.  Although no one else can see it, Dennis looks up and down, side to side, and can see nothing but a giant brick wall.  As another runner had warned him, he had indeed "hit the wall."


You'll have to watch the movie yourself to see what happens (even though it's killing me not to tell you...it's seriously the best scene!).  I found myself replaying this two-minute scene in my head today while I was at work and mulling over why this scene is on my mind. 

I'm not a runner, but I've exercised enough and been on enough physically-challenging adventures to know what that "hitting the wall" moment feels like.  But in a figurative sense, I currently feel as though I'm having a "hitting the wall" moment in life.  I feel like I've been staring at the ground and simply concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other for a couple years.  Work.  Church.  Travel.  Saving.  Repeat, repeat, repeat.  Now, all of a sudden, I've hit an invisible wall that took my breath away.  I find myself looking around and trying to see what it is that is stopping me. 

Have I really hit a wall?  Is this it for me--this boring cycle of going through life?  I've been faithful to a routine this whole time...but for what?  Why did this wall have to appear at all?!  I was making it by simply sticking with my little path.

Now I wonder how to proceed.  I could turn around and accept my mediocrity, my failure to bust through this obstacle...I see people do it often enough that I can find myself making this option seem the "normal" and comfortable thing to do.  OR, I can back up, get a good start, and bust through that wall!  Perhaps that's why the wall appeared in the first place.  Perhaps I needed to restart my journey with renewed vision--with my eyes looking ahead instead of down at my feet.

I know I'm not talking specifics, but that's because I'm not even sure what the specifics are.  I'm pondering this "wall" moment in my life and praying about what it signifies.  I think I have an idea of what it means, but, for now, I'm keeping that to myself.  All I know is that I don't consider it an option to turn around and walk away from this wall.  With God's help, I'm going to continue moving forward, no matter how unfamiliar or painful it will be.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Favorite Fixes

Recent self discovery:  I love stories where something (or someone) is dirty, broken, or unused and the hero of the story swoops in to clean, fix, and improve said thing. 

Although these these movies and stories are not recent additions to my list of "things I love", I have only just realized that they all have the "fix-it" theme in common:

Seven Brides for Seven Brothers
Sandlot
Pollyanna
Calamity Jane
Miss Congeniality
Swiss Family Robinson
Secret Garden
Little Princess
The Boxcar Children
Lemony Snicket: Series of Unfortunate Events
Esther (from the Bible)
Pippi Longstocking
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Are you imagining the scenes in your head now? Those moments of makeovers or projects that result in a complete improvement by the end.  Good.

What I'm thinking is this: maybe the theme of transformation is going to be a big part of my role as a character in God's story.  Maybe these are some of my favorite movies, books, and stories because I see in them what I want to see in my life's tale--transformation, restoration, rejuvenation.  Not only do I constantly want and pray for a total spiritual makeover in my life, I also want to be used by God to assist in the same process for someone or something else.  Not that God needs my help to complete the task, but that I can't think of anything better for me to do with my time here on earth.  I'll be humbled and grateful if I ever get the opportunity to be a tool in the transformation of something He is crafting for His kingdom--whether it be a ministry, a relationship, or something else I can't even dream up.  But if that day never comes, I'll be happy to just be continually molded, made-over, and a "project" of my Dad in heaven.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

How do I love thee?

Love is difficult.

I don't love love.  If it were easy (is it for anyone? tell me your secret!), I am positive I would love it.  But it's not, and so I don't.

I was thinking of the poem by Elizabeth Barrett Browning titled "How Do I Love Thee?" and chewing over the words.  Join me (and don't forget to read it aloud, just above a whisper, and with dramatic pauses...British accent is optional):


How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

If only these words were true for flawed and destined-for-failure mortals like myself.  I'm comforted by knowing and experiencing God's vast love for me; however, the complexities of love arise for this human when I try to extend that same love towards other people like me: very needy, often annoying, and discontent people.

In fact, if I were to rewrite this sonnet in my honest-to-goodness words of what SOME people think (not necessarily me in particular), it would go something like this:

You think I love thee? I can pretend for days.
I'll try to "love" thee until you're at least out of sight
Because my soul can't reach your expectation's height
For Pete's sake, give me some grace!
If I loved thee, you'd be mine always
Most of us know though, you're prone to flight.
If you let me love freely, I'd know wrong from right;
If you loved me purely, I'd give nothing but praise.
But my passion has become anger that I use:
I wallow in my griefs, and have lost my faith.
Oh how I wish I loved thee with a love that I could lose.
With all the hopeless saints, who love with the breath,
I see no smiles, only tears, why would this they choose?
No, I shall not love thee, not even upon death.


I'm so glad that this isn't the type of love that God has toward us; and I hope that my human attempts at love come out a little better than this dire prose that I composed quite ruthlessly.  But as I grow, I learn that I need LOVE more and more.  The real kicker is that love is more difficult as I grow up.

My goal is to study God's love and transform my human tendencies of warped love to become pure like His.  Join me in this quest, keep me accountable, and help me remain authentic.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Glitter in the Air

This might be old news to some, and new news to others, but I just heard this song by P!NK for the first time.  There is something simple and yet disquieting about the song.  Both the feel of the music and the question behind the lyrics have me pondering the "glitter in the air" moments in life.  The moments that define you, the moments you live for, and the moments you hope to have.  The moments in which you are glad to be who you are.

Am I brave enough to face these moments, to seek them out?  I hope that I let myself trust and prove my trustworthiness to others.  I hope that I surrender to God and allow Him to orchestrate these moments for His purpose, and not my own.  I pray that I learn to love more like God and become a beautiful song of my own for Him to delight in.

I want to know what you think.  Here is a link to the video on YouTube from P!NK's performance on the Grammy's (don't worry, she's wearing a nude-colored costume, she's not naked) Glitter in the Air, and the lyrics are also below.  Please leave comments with your thoughts.

Have you ever fed a lover
With just your hands
Close your eyes
And trusted, just trusted
Have you ever thrown
A fist full of glitter in the air
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just dont care

Its only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg
The sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning
And the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way...

Have you ever hated yourself
For staring at the phone
Your whole life waiting on the ring
To prove youre not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently
You had to cry
Have you ever invited a stranger
To come inside

Its only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table
The walk before the run
The breath before the kiss
And the fear before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way...

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee, callin me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night
Lassoed the moon and the stars
And pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath
And asked yourself
Will it ever get better
Than tonight, tonight...

Monday, June 21, 2010

Rusty bike

My blog has been sitting here, unused, for almost six months.  It's driving me crazy.  The knowledge that I'm "slacking" in an activity that--to me--is equivalent to a spiritual exercise is almost more than I can bear.  It's like seeing an exercise bike in your home office collect dust, or knowing that you're paying money for a gym that wouldn't recognize you if you showed up.  My spiritual arms are getting flabby from lack of conditioning and I think I've finally reached the point where I'm ready to work them into shape again.

So wish me luck, I'm going to be blogging again!

(And if I don't, you have my permission to harass me about it.)

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Learned and learning.

I miss blogging.  (Never again will I move the week before Christmas after being overseas during Thanksgiving only leaving myself three weeks to find a new place to live, pack up all I own, and move.)  I'm almost done with my India updates and will finally be able to write about the other things God is doing in my heart.  But today I have to interupt my India updates for just a quick blurb.

My new blog layout (which I've heard doesn't work with Internet Explorer, try Mozilla Firefox or Google Chrome or Safarai) was part of my "start over" for the new year.  I have pushed the proverbial restart button of my life and made changes and created personal goals that I believe will help my mind feel more organized, my spirit more peaceful, and my heart content. 

*To clairify, things weren't circling the drain in 2009, but I did struggle a lot with insecurities and my identity in Christ as a result of my frenzied existence.  That must change.  I crave the confidence that comes from intentionally seeking the Lord each day and long for the stillness to feel and hear from God.  The steps that I am taking toward that, and toward my general wellbeing, are:

1. Go on a "leadership break" from church so I can remember what it's like to simply attend and participate. 
2. Try new recipes, exercise, attempt to paint, and enjoy outdoor activities (hiking/canoeing).
3. Read every book on my bookshelves that I haven't read before (I think there are at least 15 that I've never read!).
4. Travel. Because I can, because I love it, and because I have friends I want to visit.
5. Dream big with God and the desires He's given me.
6. Pursue those dreams.

2010.  It's going to be a good year.